Slurring by the end of the show - that can't be a good thing. But I did play you some amazing music, including:

1. Geoff Smith
2. The Maine
3. Little Plastic Stars
4. Kelly Zullo
5. Rick Barry

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I am starting to get the reports in about the Supreme Court's ruling today in District of Columbia v. Heller, in which the Court struck down the District of Columbia's 32-year-old ban on handguns as incompatible with gun rights under the Second Amendment.

Dick Anthony Heller, 66, an armed security guard, sued the District after it rejected his application to keep a handgun at his home for protection in the same Capitol Hill neighborhood as the court.

 

The U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia ruled in Heller's favor and struck down Washington's handgun ban, saying the Constitution guarantees Americans the right to own guns and that a total prohibition on handguns is not compatible with that right., the Supreme Court upheld that decision by a 5-4 margin.

 

Justice Scalia (who looks so much like Emeril Lagasse, that I half expect that he says "Bam!" every time he finishes a decision), writing for the majority, went with an interpretation of the Second Amendment from a historical perspective, saying that the Constitution does not permit "the absolute prohibition of handguns held and used for self-defense in the home."

 

There is an old saying, "bad cases make bad law", and I think this is the situation here. Mr. Heller appears to have been a responsible gun user, and dear-lord-don't-let-my-progressive-friends-read-this, but from a strict textualist interpretation of the Constitution, Justice Scalia is perfectly right, as the law applies to Mr. Heller.

 

The problem is, however, in the application of this case to other cases. I am terrified that the ruling may create other bad cases. For example, what's to stop a legislature from presuming that all people in a crime ridden neighborhood are not keeping guns for self-defense, but to commit crimes? You know what they say – one bad apple ruins it for the whole bunch.

 

How is this going to affect machine guns or other heavy firearms? Because you know me, I believe that a good self-defense is a good offense. I think I should be able to keep a Spanish cannon on top of my house and shoot golden cannonballs at the mail man, because I’m convinced that that this frakker is bringing me some bad news.

 

But Justice Scalia says that I can only have a gun for self-defense in the home. So I guess that means when Aunt Mary comes at me with another helping of that corn and Land O’Lakes monstrosity because that thing is a killer.

 

But what’s great about this is that we can thank Justice Scalia – big time – remember all those Federal laws banning assault rifles and machine guns. Well, those puppies are done and done now – because baby, I’ve played Doom, and I’ve seen Dawn of the Dead, and you know I just think I’m gonna have to on over to my local Wal-Mart and get me a rail gun. Because when those level 2 Orcs break through my outer defenses I better possess a whole lot of fire power.

 

But remember, Justice Scalia says that you can only posess a gun in the house for self-defense. So remember, no cracking walnuts with your pea-shooter. No driving in the last nail with your Tommy-gun. Oh and if you intend to have a gun in your house to shoot yourself in the foot, or otherwise harm yourself – well, that’s against the law.

 

And I love this – did you know that convicted felons in this country lose the right to possess a fire arm. They can’t even have a gun for self-defense. Aren’t they the ones who need them the most?? Jeez, if you rob a bank or sell drugs, man you’re going to have some enemies!

 

Here’s what I think, and I know George would have approved, and I think Justice Scalia would approve, too. We need more guns. You move into a new house, there should be an AK-AK with a bow on the counter right next to a bowl of fruit. You get a promotion at work, “hey bob, here’s that gold silencer we promised you.”

 

We need guns for every man, woman and child. Think of the business opportunities. This would jump start the economy: the new iPopper – it plays Mp3s and shoots .33s. Talk about your Saturday Night Special! Victoria’s Secret could do a whole line of gun holsters. How hot is that?

 

But you know Scalia and the majority had even a problem with trigger locks, and I agree, because if some robber is coming after you who has time to get a key. Trust me the folks at Masterlock are fuming.

 

And think about the children. The poor wee children. Hell, between their Grand Theft Autos and Call of Duty’s our kids are already a crack shot. But we are cheating them – cheating them. You wouldn’t give your beautiful daughter a picture of a nutritious meal – no you’d want to give her the real thing, right? So stop depriving your kids, you bastard!

 

So at the end of the day, what does this all mean? It means that Mr. Heller was a nice little old man who didn’t feel that his tax dollars were going to good use in having the DC Police take care of his safety. Mr. Heller, a security guard, wasn’t so concerned about your and my security, but he wanted the option to blast a Jehovah’s Witness when they came to the door to sell him some Reese’s Pieces.

 

And 5 Justices of the Supreme Court either liked him or liked the ability to pretend they could get into Thomas Jefferson’s skull cap. I say good. You know who really benefits from this decision – the lawyers, the Judges, and of course the hospitals. Because now, every application for a gun is going to have to be viewed with ultra strict scrutiny that we’re going to need Tom Cruise’s Minority Report team to figure out where the gun’s gonna go before we even give it to people.

 

Why should the Supreme Court do anything to protect us? We didn’t vote for them. They don’t owe us anything. They liked Heller and Heller gets to keep his gun. Nuthin for nuthin, maybe Scalia made the other four an offer they couldn’t refuse. Or maybe, he’s in a fantasy world and thinks its Second Life and not the Second Amendment. Look, when other problems come up, screw it, we’ll deal with that on a case by case basis. Its good. Those Supreme Court guys and gals are going to have enough work to keep them busy for life.

Already, there have been a ton of new lawsuits filed. In Atlanta today, there was a law suit filed attempting to over turn a law that bans guns in an airport terminal. You know George would have loved the idea of the words guns and terminal floating together. But what's better than an airport to have a gun when you're picking up mom and dad when they're finally back from their trip from the Yucatan. It certainly brings a whole new ring to the whole duty free thing. I'll take a case of Marlboro's and, wow, dear look at the discount - stick em up. Its all just so synchronous, and I think somewhere in heaven - George Carlin is smiling. 

Come to think of it, if George were here – he would have smacked me on the back of the head for saying that.