This guy nails it. As much as I try to keep up, all of this "new media" drives me bananas. I do the show because I love the independent spirit of the music, with a hope that I might 'discover' somebody amazing for you.
More Shillin' than Curt Shilling tonight. Lots of business to take care of, but a fun show nonetheless. Who ever says nonetheless? Lawyers with too much scotch, that's who. Featuring:
I went to Asher Holmes Elementary School. The school secretary was one of my favorite people of all-time, Mrs. Bennett. When I was in sixth grade, and throughout high school, I worked on the campaigns and in the offices of her son, former Senator John Bennett. I have always had a great time in and around politics. Its also fair to say, that,especially being involved with New Jersey politics I have seen a lot of nonsense. Jeez, New Jersey politics has as much chaos as the after party on the last night that the Ringling Bros. Circus is in town. New Jersey politics is so sloppy that that Mike Rowe from "Dirty Jobs" show on Discovery looks it and goes….nahhh tooo dirty. New Jersey politics is so warped that a visualization of it looks like scoliosis.
But dirty pool isn't limited to the greatest State in the country. Its everywhere, and everyone can be a star. Hell, just look at Dr. Ron Paul. Please, this guy is a pair of coke bottle glasses away from looking like Jim Backus, but for some reason he's tapped in to the Star Trek and Pro-Wrestling set enough to be a serious contender. But, I need to hold myself back, I need to reel myself in. Its going to take all my power, and all my being, not to talk to you today about Dr. Paul, because today on the JTS, we need to talk about a member of the genus Rattus, the carrier of the black plague, the animal led out of town by the Pied Piper That's right, today, we need to talk about a rat.
Muriel Gallo Chasanoff, a 19-year old sophomore at Grinnell College, in Iowa, is my rat of the week. The short version of her story is simple, she went to a Hillary Clinton rally, which to me, has as much attraction as going to a colonoscopy, but to each their own. She wanted to ask a question about Shrillery's feelings about the other candidate's plans regarding global warming. When she told a senior staffer about it, he looked in a notebook and asked her to ask the following question, to wit, Topping that sheet of paper was the following: "As a young person, I'm worried about the long-term effects of global warming. How does your plan combat climate change?"
She went right ahead and asked the question in front of hundreds of people, because "She likes to be agreeable" but she really had a problem with being told what question to ask, and in fact, ratted out the Clinton campaign to her school newspaper, and then went on CNN because she felt that the "voters have the right to know what happened."
You know what Ms. Gallo Chasanoff, we do and we don't, and we certainly don't need you to be the arbiter of these things. Let's be real honest, I don't know you, and I don't know your personality, and as they say at my son's day care, I may like you, but I certainly don't like your behavior today.
C'mon, Muriel it felt good to have all the attention on you are receiving C'mon it felt good to be on CNN. Its not like CNN was gonna come knock, knock, knocking on your door anytime soon, so you took it upon yourself to be the moral police of the Clinton campaign right?
Please. This was all about your fifteen minutes of fame In fact, I bet you get looked over all the time – by guys in your class, friends going to parties, and deep down in your heart of hearts, you knew that you should have been Ms. Corn Field of Grinnell College and not that wench Suzy Boogereater. Yeah, its come to that, Booger-eater. Welcome to the Jersey Toddshow, everybody – good thing your getting the show for free.
David Gergen, the political analyst, calls planting questions the moral equivalent of a parking ticket. Frankly I'm not entirely sure this was a true planted question or an on the spot edit of a question, but jeeez, for a girl who sounds like she's got some Italian blood in her, what's the deal with being such a rat. Are you the girl who tells the teacher when they forget to give homework, or the one who tells other kids not to run in the hallways? Do you constantly look and make 100% sure your neighbor is using a Number 2 pencil. Listen, nobody likes a tattle tale. Oh, who am I kidding, there's no Italians in Iowa.
But, we know that this dog and pony system of an election is as rigged as the history of the World Wrestling Federation title. You remind me of another little Rat from a State not too unlike yours – Kansas. Do you really think that the little munchkins and people from Oz were any happier when that Dorothy girl showed everyone that the Wizard was just some dude behind a curtain? Of course they weren't and leave the damn curtain alone and keep your damn dog under control. Oh and speaking of Dorothy, hmm, little school girl outfit, little ruby slippers, running away from home…you should have thanked your lucky stars for that twister or at this point you'd be top girl for some pimp named Leroy by now. I'll get you, my pretty.
So, having gotten that out of my system like drinking day old coffee and eating spinach from a local Taco Bell, we need to talk about my buddy, Shrillery. What is the Clinton's problem with college girls who can't keep their mouth shut? Jeez, Bill lied about his erection and Hillary is starting to lie about her election. That line would be impossible to say if I were asian.
Nonetheless, I certainly know why Hillary chose to speak at Grinnell College. According to U.S. News and World Report, in 2004, Grinnell College's per student endowment is larger than that of any other liberal arts college, and knowing Hillary like we do, we know that she likes things that are really endowed – I mean come on, why else would she still be with Bill? Even if it is only for once a year after Bill's gone through his little black book and has drank half a bottle of Mad Dog….hey, these are good times, right?
I know Iowa is an agricultural state, but the only planting that you should be doing is corn, not questions. Look, you know I'm not going to vote for you, but if you want anyone else's vote, then do me a favor, distance yourself from the current administration, and I don't mean politically, I mean ethically, and it should be really really easy to do that – just don't frigging lie any more. I don't even care if the next president is completely incompetent – hell, the current President has set the bar so low that the next president can jump over it during an elliptic fit
I know you've got a billion happily aggressive little tools working for you, and you certainly can't be responsible for all of them. Oh wait, yes you can, you're running for f'n President. Not only should the guy who planted the question be fired, but the guy who hired the guy who planted the question should be fired and his house lit on fire, and there should be baseball bats involved, and maybe some of the stuff that I've seen on my Sopranos DVDs, cause that's how we would have handled it in Jersey politics. Woo!
Or maybe, you could write a memo or something telling people to cut it out.
I know you're itching to buy a domain name through GoDaddy.com, and as I told you on the show, feel free to use Jersey1, 2, or 3, at the time of checkout.
But you can't simply buy one. Domain names make the perfect holiday gift, so why not buy domain names for friends and family, too? In the spirit of giving, why not use my buddy Mark Yoshimoto Nemcoff's codes? Besides, he's got a prettier web-site than mine.
Your friends and family will thank you - and you'll feel better for not giving a Cracker Barrel sampler, again.
Yesterday was election day – or as like we like to call it here inNew Jersey, "Opening Day of Kickback Season". It wasn't a very controversial election, unless you count my local election where a Democrat councilman sent a letter out to all of the constituentsendorsing the Republican candidates, in a move that had as much class as Fredo Corleone making a deal with Johnny Ola, but hey, here in Jersey politics is a contact sport.
But this was not a very big election – no Senators, Governors, or Presidents allegedly on the ballot. But when its quiet like this – that's when they try to sneak stuff on the ballot and hope that nobody notices. The ballot resolutions. These things are like wish lists for special interest groups who somehow think that if they get 51% of the vote on a turnout of less than 20% of the voting public that they somehow have a mandate. Right, mission accomplished I know. I almost didn't see this when I was placing my vote yesterday, but I had to tell you about it. Check out this proposed resolution:
Shall the amendment of Art. II Section I paragraph 6 of the Constitution, agreed to by the Legislature, revising the constitutional language concerning denial of the right to vote by deleting the phrase idiot or insane person and providing instead that a "person who has adjudicated by a court of competent jurisdiction to lack the capacity to understand the act of voting shall not enjoy the right to vote."
I love it. I absolutely love it. Gd bless New Jersey lawyers, who even with their best intentions muck things up worse than that green crap that you see in the swamplands of the Meadowlands. I understand the purpose here. Idiot is not a nice name to call someone with a mental handicap. Ok, that's fine, but lets break this into its parts.
I believe that idiots should not vote, but they do every day. Just ask the Red States. I believe that more people than not who vote don't understand the act of voting, and are just there for the free stickers. More importantly, leaving the decision of whether a person can or can not vote in the hands of a Court of competent jurisdiction – well, where the heck are we going to find that?
In fact, if you really think about it, the only way that this is going to be enforceable is if someone brings an application to a Judge to try to take away someone's voting rights. In a State that has enough problems, do we really think that a Judge is going to spend their morning on a plenary hearing to determine whether someone is an idiot or not? Jeez, I've had enough Judges call me an idiot and I have heard the stories from other lawyers over the years that there have been Judges who were one loud gavel bang away from going from the black robe to the white coat, if you know what I mean.
Indeed, idiots vote all the time, and here is a quick test for you tell whether or not you too should call up your local prosecutor and say, hey, I'm an idiot – so take me in front of the Judge.
If you clean your gun facing you, loaded, you may be an idiot. (I actually have a client that enjoyed this).
If you smoke cigarettes while carrying bags of asbestos, you may be an idiot (I actually had a client that did this).
If you are sleeping with, and selling drugs to, your ex-best friend's girlfriend while in a school zone, you may indeed be an idiot. (Uhm, I actually have that client too.)
If you are chased by a cop in a car after being stopped by the local police, and ram your car into a military police station, and drive through the fence of a military instillation after September 11, you may indeed be an idiot. (yeah, I had one too).
Finally, if you think lists like Jeff Foxworthy's "You may be a Redneck" is funny, well, then you may indeed be an idiot.
The fact of the matter is that we are all idiots sometime, and spreading whiteout all over our State Constitution in the name of political correctness is a mind-numbing thing to do, when we all know where you are going with this. Frankly, I think that my elected officials can do better, and I am sick and tired of everyone getting so upset about simple words, when actions not words really matter.
So let Senator JT take a rewording this, and I think we can apply this to race, religion, sexual preference.
"Be it resolved, that its not nice to call someone with special challenges an idiot or an insane person, unless they, of partial mind and body, call themselves an idiot or an insane person for the purpose of making a joke of it. However, you hereby prohibited from calling a person with a challenge an idiot or an insane person solely on the basis of that they themselves called themselves or a peer an idiot or an insane person, in the same way certain homosexual or African American groups greet themselves, as you are not part of that group, and thus, do not get the privilege of sharing in that nomenclature.
In terms of the right to vote. Everyone gets to vote if they are over the age of 18 and a naturalized American citizen or have at least three social security numbers and are not currently working as a day laborer somewhere where their services are more needed than waiting to vote. However, voting shall be prohibited by anyone who holds the line up for more than five minutes, and insists on showing pictures of their grandchildren.
Finally, if during the course of human events, you arrive at the polling place with a plaid shirt and green pants, if you spout off on the benefits of garlique, or are still thinking that any kind of mission has been accomplished, then you are hereby forbidden to vote – because you indeed are an idiot."
Hey. This politics thing ain't so hard. Where's my intern?
I recently was checking the logs of this page (yes, I can see you!!!), and saw that someone came from a link that was posted on this site.
Apparently, I've been nominated for an Asbury Music Award for 2007. This is a very big deal in the N.J. Indie Music Scene, and I'm beyond honored. It also shows how far Podcasting has come as I am in a category for "Top Radio Personality."
I have no expectations for actually winning, and I have no idea what the criteria is...but the real question is, do I still fit into my tux for the award ceremony on November 17, 2007?
I'd like to thank the Academy. You like me, you really, really like me.
I don't mean for this to come off like a vendetta, but with all of the hype regarding Dr. Ron Paul, I had to share with you the email that I got today at work. If it looks like spam, and it feels like spam, and I don't know the sender, you'd better believe that I consider it to be spam. Considering all of the promises in this email, you certainly have to question the motivation of the sender. More importantly, if elected, will Dr. Ron give me a good deal on Viagra, a new version of Adobe, and help me obtain the $1.5 billion dollars that is left in a Nigerian estate on behalf of a dying uncle?
This is the dark side of a "grass-roots" campaign. Typically, all of the advertising came from, and was controlled by, the campaign itself. Now that we all have an equal ability in the new media revolution to make comparable communications with voters, occasionally some of the soldiers go rogue with disasterous results.
A "grass-roots" army is only as good as its general, and I was surprised that Dr. Paul made no effort on the Daily Source Code the other day to say, "hey, new media come work with us, and let us help you refine our message." To me, it seemed that while he was happy with the internet support, he came off like a bemused patriarch that still had no clue of the potential power that he had in crafting his message in a new and different way. Maybe in 2012 someone will figure it out.
By the way, if this email was really from the Dr. Paul campaign, if you are going to directly solicit my vote....at least get my name right.
-----Original Message----- From: jethro justin [mailto:javed@e-business-associates.com] Sent: Friday, October 26, 2007 8:50 PM To: Todd Subject: Who Is Ron Paul?
Hello Scott,
Ron Paul is for the people, unless you want your children to have human implant RFID chips, a National ID card and create a North American Union and see an economic collapse far worse than the great depression. Vote for Ron Paul he speaks the truth and the media and government is afraid of him go to http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=ron+paul and you will see his large base. Get motivated America, don't believe the lies of the media he has also WON the GOP Debate On Sunday! Go Ron Paul! Value Freedom instead of corporate lies and corruption. Bypass this media blackout they are doing to Ron Paul, tell your family and friends and get involved in a local group at meetup.com make your voice heard! He will end the War In Iraq immediately, He will eliminate the IRS and wasteful government spending, and eliminate the Federal Reserve and restore power to the people and the only person not a member on the CFR. Can any other runner make these claims?
**** STOP THE WAR & Corporate Corruption****
He has NEVER voted: * to raise taxes * for an unbalanced budget * to raise congressional pay * for a federal restriction on gun ownership * to increase the power of the executive branch
He HAS voted: * against the Iraq war * against the inappropriately named USA PATRIOT act * against regulating the internet * against the Military Commissions Act
He will eliminate the IRS, Wasteful Government Spending & Stop The Iraq War Immediately!
Most importantly, he voted NO on anything in Congress that is not allowed by the Constitution.
I'd like to be the first to congratulate Adam Curry for scoring an interview with Texas Republican Presidential Candidate, Ron Paul, on the Daily Source Code next Wednesday. Dr. Paul is certainly an interesting candidate, and I find his candidacy appealing on so many levels. At the very least, I appreciate his pushing the debate forward, and engaging the problems of this country on an intellectual level, rather than bombast and rhetoric. However, he is not getting my vote.
Let me reveal my "bona-fides". I was a former President of the Young Republicans, and I have run for office as a registered Democrat. As an attorney, I have represented the State of New Jersey in claims seeking compensation for injuries, and I now work for a personal injury Firm, and represent injured workers. I certainly have been on both sides of a lot of different issues, and been to cocktail parties on both sides.
While I agree with Dr. Paul on a great number of issues, I disagree with him on a big one, and unfortunately, this one is a deal breaker for me. This past Summer, he introduced H.R. 3342, the "Freedom from Unnecessary Litigation Act." Under this proposed law, which was not co-sponsored by any other Republican or Democrat, you would be entitled to a tax credit if you purchase "Negative Outcome Insurance." What I make of it is, that if you were planning to go in for surgery, and purchased an additional policy, at your cost, you could deduct this amount from your taxes. Moreover, the bill provides that a medical malpractice award provided in arbitration are not subject to taxation as gross income.
Let me be blunt: this bill stinks. I doubt that this is really about "Unnecessary Litigation", and the bill needs to be renamed the "Insurance Industry Bailout Act", as it benefits the insurance industry far more than it would ever benefit you and I.
Insurance is the one product that you are going to pay for, that nobody, mostly the insurance industry, is ever going to want you to need. In fact, its a form of gambling. The insurance company is very happy to collect your premium, and the odds are in their favor that you will never need their help. It is a business, and should never be considered to be your entitlement or charity.
I agree that there is a medical malpractice crisis in this country. I also agree that good doctors are being forced to pay for bad doctors. However, this is a problem with the insurance industry, and not a problem with the Court system. The insurance industry is going to have to adapt and change and reevaluate how doctors are insured, and if a bad doctor can not afford insurance, then perhaps they should not be practicing. Here is the most simple thing for doctors: don't commit malpractice.
In fact, and I can not stress this enough, there are already numerous, numerous good laws on the books that hold attorneys to a very high standard before bringing a medical malpractice claim. To be quite honest, I think some of these requirements set the bar way too high and are actually harming already hurt people even more by making it nearly impossible to find a lawyer with the resources available to take their claim. That's just my opinion.
However, this bill is just "piling on". It is nearly cliche to continue to blame the trial lawyers. The first part of the bill provides you a tax break for purchasing a new insurance policy. Clearly, this benefits the insurance industry in that they are going to get to promote a whole new product, that for the most part they will never have to pay out on. Most doctors in this country are very, very good. Perhaps the idea is that this new revenue will offset the amounts that they have to pay out in claims, allowing them to still make a profit.
The second part of the bill, attempts to encourage people to arbitrate their claims, and holds the arbitration awards exempt from income tax. While I am not an accountant, I was under the impression that personal injury awards are already exempt, but I will leave this to brighter minds. However, what is not stated here, is that there is an unwritten tradeoff is that for the perception that an arbitration would be faster, you submit to the judgment of the arbitrator - who in most situations sets a cap for awards. This, too, only benefits the insurance company far more than it does a severely injured patient.
For a strict Constitutionalist like Dr. Paul, I am surprised. First, this is a back-handed critique of the States' ability to handle medical malpractice claims quickly. These claims, which, as stated, are already very, very difficult to bring, are often hotly contested and require sophisticated medical testimony. Ultimately, this may be a "local" issue rather than one for the Federal government, who certainly has other issues on their plate. Second, our Founding Parents truly believed in the sanctity and wisdom of the jury system. I do, too. Anything that encourages straying from this path makes me very, very nervous.
In 2005, my beautiful and talented cousin, Sheena Ayers, passed away as a result of medical malpractice after a courageous battle with Cystic Fibrosis. From a legal standpoint, medical malpractice is not a bad result, but a gross deviation of care from the accepted standard of care established by the common practices of other doctors. Sheena knew the potential risks going into her surgery. She never expected one of these risks to be her doctor.
If an insurance company chooses to insure a doctor who has so severely deviated from the norm, then they should not receive any sort of "bailout" from the Federal Government, and that is what this bill hopes to accomplish.
I like Dr. Paul a great deal, but with this bill, he has completely missed the point, and reminds me of my last experience with a Texas Republican.
Thank you for joining me on such occasion. I thought this wasn't going to be a big deal, but at the end of the day, Show 100 became a reaffirmation of my love for this thing we do. Kudos to you if you catch the Jersey Todd trivia. Featuring the music of:
For our hundredth show, and in celebration of Halloween, and all of those Podcamps going on this time of year, its time for another Jersey Todd Ghost Story. Settle into your sleeping bags. Maybe cook up one more of those s’mores thingies. Mr. Curry, one more puff before bed. Mr. Nemcoff, hands on top of the covers. Here we go.
It was a dark and stormy night. No wait, that’s too cliché. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Eh, never really understood that one. Being a small-town Midwest girl, I had no idea that an all girl nursing school located near a truck stop would be such an adventure – oh wait, that’s another project that I’m working on. Let’s just start by telling you about the people.
Jammie Thomas is a 30-year old, single mother from Duluth, Minnesota. She is a hard working mom of two children – ages 11 and 13 years old, and when she gets tired and bored, after the end of a long day, she turns to that one source of entertainment that you and I take for granted – her personal computer. Except, this past year, that personal computer has become her own peripheral of horrors, a silicon pariah, a virtual blood-sucking, money grabbing money hole.
Like so many others, she was accused by those ghouls at the Recording Industry Association of America – the RIAA – of hosting 1,702 songs on Kazaa. Actually, lets be more specific, over the last few years, the RIAA has sued over 26,000 people. But in Ms. Thomas’ case, the RIAA wanted to get her for over 1.2 million dollars. I know Boo! Scary.
Most people take the dive. Most people run and hide like they just saw a ghost, but not Jammie Thomas. No Ms. Thomas didn’t just settle give the RIAA $4,000 of her money and hope that they go away, no she did what every brave American should do. She hired a lawyer, and then when negotiations broke down, she did what every brave American should do, she took her case to trial.
However, here’s the problem. She didn’t really have a very good case. She was accused of hosting a mere 1700 files on Kazaa. I really believe that her lawyer treated it like a simple criminal matter, which does indeed make sense because she is being accused of stealing. His main argument was in the great tradition of Matlock in that he said, well nobody saw you upload the tracks, which really doesn’t do much when the RIAA brings experts to Court to say that the music was uploaded from her internet address and from her password. But, you know, the thrust of the "wasn’t me" argument always has legs in criminal court. In fact, I represented a kid in Chester, Pennsylvania about ten-times who apparently was always at the bus-stop, or his aunt’s house, and had ten cousins that looked just like him.
The problem is that this was not a criminal case, and the RIAA did not have to prove their claims beyond a reasonable doubt, they just had to do so by a preponderance of the evidence, and like I’ve said so many times on this program, all you have to do to show a "preponderance of the evidence" is to show that it is more likely than not that you did something wrong, and in the case of Ms. Thomas her lawyer was kidding themselves allowing this client to take this case to trial. Sure, she had a defense, but when the risks outweighed the rewards, even I would have told her to pony up the four grand and bail out of the situation as quick as humanly possible.
So, she decided to do her best Doyle Brunson, and pushed her chips all in, and took her case to trial. In fact, Ms. Thomas’ case just went to the jury this week, and again showing the wisdom of a State that elected a professional wrestler to Governor, this Minnesota jury found Jammie guilty of copyright infringement. But you want to talk about going flop on the river card, Ms. Thomas went bust for $222,000. What this means, in my Poker to English dictionary is she’s now on the hook for a huge problemo.
So its come to this, has it RIAA. Its come to getting irrational judgments against single mothers. Its come to beating up grandmothers and the infirm. For what? For who? This isn’t about protecting the artists. Copyright law has far exceeded any kind of protection that the artists require. This is essentially the same as if your kid gave a copy of your CD to a neighbor, and you ended up losing your house. It just doesn’t make any sense any more. Oh, and just so you know, from the lawyer’s perspective, he probably counts this as a win – because he got it down from 1700 songs to 24. That’s pretty good, and in a criminal case the guy would be a genius. But in a civil case, where its mandatory fees of $9,250 per song – 24 songs add up very, very quickly.
You want to take one quote from this show, and print it out of context. You want to take one quote and put it up there in boldface let me make it easier for you. When I first started hanging around the Courts, the first Judge that I worked for was 80-years old and couldn’t tell the difference between the power-button on a computer and a candy-button in a trick-or-treat bag. The law catches up to society, and right now the enforcement of copyright has caught up to 1992.
But what they don’t get. What the RIAA doesn’t get is that the war is over. Its over, and I’m not talking about podcasts, or mp3 blogs, or Kazaa, or any of the millions of ways that you can get your music before you even get to itunes. No I’m talking about the public perception of the value of music. When you’re too cheap to buy a girl you like some flowers, you make her a mix-tape. When you’re in a car with someone you have nothing in common with, you turn on the radio with a hope that it will fill the dead space between you. Music is like air, its like water.
Lets be even more honest with ourselves. We don’t by music for the music. We buy it for a lot of reasons. I buy music because I like the personality of the artist. I buy it because I have a connection to the band. I buy them. I buy the story. I buy music when it makes me want to feel something. I buy it because the first time I heard it the song made me feel cool or tough or strong or in love, and I want that feeling again and again. I buy music for the memories. Music is a souvenir of a time and a place. What kind of value does that have? What should the artist get, and let me be clear, I make a huge difference between a musician and an artist. Any kid in Ms. Silverberg’s 8th grade music class is a musician – they may be a crappy one – but they are a musician, but an artist is someone that can create a place, and a time, in between my ears and that certainly deserves compensation.Art is the only place that we actually can try to put a formula on emotion. Sure, I’ll pay 99 cents when I like a track, but do I get 50 cents back when it starts getting on my nerves. I’m talking to you cast of High School Musical. This is something that can’t be decided by a simple podcaster on a simple show that only 10,000 people download on a weekly basis. Eh, just checking to see if you’re still listening. But what I can do is give you some knowledge. I can bust some tasty tasty science on your mad cerebellum. So, let me throw you something that I’m sure Ms. Thomas’ lawyer didn’t talk about in his closing argument, and I really think that its something that should be strongly encouraged in every case involving the RIAA. Jury Nullification. The jury system in this country was founded upon the idea that a panel of citizens, sitting for a short time, was incorruptible. My main man, DJ Tommy Tom Thomas Jefferson said "I consider trial by jury as the only anchor yet imagined by man by which a government can be held to the principles of its constitution." Jury nullification is the idea where a jury can listen to the Judge’s instructions, their summation of the law, and say nyyyyah, we’re not going for it, and I’m not at all advocating that jury nullification be used in every case. We have laws for a reason, and although people may like or dislike the results in individual cases, jury nullification if abused could really upset the apple cart of the judiciary and legislative branch. But what if the judiciary and legislature are already lost on an issue? It has been said that the jury is the last line of defense against a tyriannical government. What do we have when we deal with the RIAA and their stranglehold over copyright law? The copyright code is 200 pages, it is incomprehensible, and the RIAA has full time lobbyists who’s main job is to increase the strength of the copyright code. Any lawyer worth their salt had better start thinking about it if ever involved with a lawsuit by the RIAA, and jury nullification is a very, very touchy subject for trial judges.
But in any case where the power of sentencing, or determining of damages, has already been abrogated by statute, I truly believe that jury nullification – where the jury can determine what makes sense to punish someone like Jammie Thomas, makes absolute sense. And at the end of the day, boys and girls, the RIAA is scary. Its like this big ghost like thing that hovers over all of our heads. But remember when you were a little kid and you finally got the courage to look under the bed, and you didn’t see a ghost? Remember, when you looked in the closet, and finally saw that there really wasn’t a monster. It was about the control, and maybe now is the time that some of our juries start looking at monsters like the RIAA and saying we’re not scared of you.
Thanks to Brian from Audio Attitude. Could you find a picture next time that doesn't look like I've been dealing with screaming babies all night. Oh wait, there aren't any lately...
While everyone was off partying at Podcamp Philly, I went to work on Saturday morning. While everyone was out drinking, and eating cheesesteaks, I was, what's the word, asked, by my wife to go to an Art exhibit for a very old and dear friend. Now, don't get me started about art exhibits, they do absolutely nothing for me. I mean, come on, one person's crap is another person's la-di-da exhibit. But that's a talk for another day, because as all things lately, my main job was to keep an eye out on the original podsafe baby, Jersey Charlie. Except, Jersey Charlie isn't as simple as when I used to hold him on my lap and do a podcast while he sucked on a pacifier. Nope, the kid has a case of the full blown, pre-prepubescent, case of the terrible, terrible twos. Its not that bad, actually, as long as you can watch the same episode of the Backyardigans a hundred times.
However, we are also, in the potty-training stage, which is wonderful. I mean sort of, kind of. You know what I mean. Not to permanently scar Charlie, but hey, this podcast is just going to stay around on the internet for, oh, I don't know, forever, we're at the stage right now where he's starting to get the idea of it all. So we're at this art exhibit, at Mercer County College this weekend. Now, let me explain Mercer County College. Apparently, in New Jersey, there was about a week where every county got a boat load of money to build these community colleges, because they all look exactly the same, which is to say that I've been in prisons with more charm. But that being said, they are generally pretty decent facilities, and some kick ass hamburgers. They all have that smell, like, like the first day of gym class, and everyone just found out over the summer that maybe that its time to invest in deodorant.
Charlie gives me the, "I need to go Potty" signal, which is as subtle as Britney Spears' underwear, and I take him to the very public bathroom. Thank goodness that it was empty. Charlie then gives me the, I need to take my pants off. Check. I need to take my diaper off. Well. I need to take my shoes and socks off. Well hold on there little fella. You see, I have no desire to spread my own problems on him, but I have a real problem with public restrooms. Some people have a problem with spiders, or snakes, or podcasters with a lisp, but me, it has been and continues to be public bathrooms. So, like any good dad, I didn't want to put my own phobias on him, and he did the deed and we moved on with our life.
But the whole episode got me thinking, damn, I really do not like public restrooms, and damn, how quickly has this Senator Craig thing dropped off our national radar. The whole thing with Senator Larry Craig from Idaho is that he pled guilty to a misdemeanor crime for allegedly trying to pick up another guy in a men's bathroom in Minnesota. Now, Craig says that he wasn't and isn't gay, and wasn't trying to pick anyone up in the bathroom, just that he had a wide stance and was reaching for a piece of toilet paper when he bumped into his seat mate. On September 1, 2007, he indicated that he was going to resign from the Senate, because apparently, its ok to be a gay Senator, but its not ok to have bad dating form. Whatever. The last we heard from Senator Craig, he has threatened to try to overturn the conviction and to stay in DC.
Now I have so many problems with this story. Like any good lawyer, let me argue out of both sides of my mouth. First of all, please Senator Craig. Please. Who are you kidding. Holy Jesse Ventura, but are you saying that the Police in Minnesota contrived s a sting operation on just you. Are you really saying that the Judge that you appeared before in that Minnesota Court room was so corrupt that when you entered a plea of guilty and paid a fine just rubber stamped it? Please. I've appeared in New Jersey Municipal Court a billion times. Without saying anything negative, lets just say this, I judge the quality of the Court experience by the floors in the Court. Federal Courts, a lot of wood, a lot of high end carpet. State Courts, that industrial kind of one ply carpet, and well, Municipal Courts have a ton of lineolum. But that being said, there are some fantastic Judges in municipal Court, and when you plead guilty to a reduced charge, you have to go in front of the Judge and tell the Judge what exactly you did wrong so the Judge has a reasonable basis to believe that you aren't getting rail roaded. That's in the Constitution, and although the Republican'ts are treading on it like it is a welcome mat at an Alaskan truck stop, it still applies to even them. Right Scooter?
Nonetheless, I am shocked, shocked, shocked that none of the reputable journalistic sites like The Smoking Gun or Drudge haven't spent the $100 to get a copy of Senator Craig's transcript on an Open Public Records Request. Hmm…maybe they need a spunky little Joisey lawyer on their staff. But somewhere along the line, Senator Craig convinced some Judge that a plea of lewd conduct was appropriate. Now, he has made a motion to withdraw the guilty plea stating that it was not knowing nor intelligent. Now I can certainly believe, based on Senator Craig's track record that it wasn't intelligent, but he certainly knew what he was doing. He was trying to flush this down the toilet as quickly and effectively as one of those sensor thingies, but like one of those little tiny nuggets that the flush won't take this story just wouldn't go down the drain.
Senator Craig's excuse for what happened in this bathroom is as flimsy as the one-ply toilet paper that he allegedly was trying to pick up. We see this, and in front of a reasonable jury of his peers, Senator Craig has as believable a defense as OJ's "what stays in Vegas, should stay in Vegas" and oh, by the way, OJ, looks like you'll be staying in Vegas, too.
But, lets look at this with an open mind and an open heart, shall we. Lets look at this as reasonable people dealing with a reasonable person. I hate to do this, because I think I'd get as much of a word in edgewise as I would if Larry King took me out to lunch to talk about the good-old-days. Oh, Larry, it's a turkey on rye and a Dr. Browns, call me.
That being said, lets think about this. What if Senator Craig does have a valid defense. Unlike those at Guantanamo he does have the right to a trial, and the right to present witnesses in his own defense. What if he really was just sitting in toilet tapping his feet, and some over zealous cop thought that he was trying to pick him up. Jeez, as I told you, I hate pooping in public bathrooms more than anyone, and now I have to worry that when I'm taking a dump listening to my Ipod, that I could get arrested for tapping my feet to "My Sharona", which of course is the international gay morse code for, hey, baby, how you doin'?
In all seriousness, if a United States Senator can feel that he is being railroaded into a criminal conviction, and just tries to plea it out, what does that really say about you and me? What does 3that say about our freedoms the minute we walk into an airport? And that's just in an airport…what is this country going to look like if there is a major terrorist activity at, say, a mall, or a movie theater. Senator Craig, gay or not, folder or scruntcher, is a perfect example of where your rights are headed.
At the end of the day, I don't care what Larry Craig was trying to pick up that day, but what smells worse than Larry Craig's business in the public bathroom was his decision to save a few bucks by not calling a lawyer
....are greatly exaggerated. However, I know what you're thinking: where the hell has this guy gone? Right now we are in the thralls of back-to-school, teething, and some work issues. Once I get life back on schedule, I look forward to getting a new show out.
I never really admitted this to you, but I have a deep, life time fascination with the dark arts. Voodoo dolls, cults, all that stuff – I find it fascinating. But as you know, I have other fascinations as well, the practice of law, music, professional sports, just to name a few. In thinking about the state of professional sports, I realized that the greatest American sports commentator of all time was none other than a short, Jewish, lawyer that represented the rights of hard working people like you and me. Sound familiar?
In 1953, WABC in New York City asked Howard Cosell, an attorney that represented a Little League to talk on their radio show, and a nearly forty-year broadcast career was started. Mr. Cosell passed away in 1995, but his presence resonates with yours truly, for as stated, he was indeed, America's greatest sports commentator.
So, lets drag out the Jersey Todd Ouija Board, and see if we can't get Mr. Cosell to talk to us tonight. Now I've never done this on a podcast before, but if this is successful, the spirit of Mr. Cosell will enter my body, and I will speak his words and think his thoughts. Ok, lets lower the lights, fire up some candles, and say those ancient words.
Hello listeners of the Jersey Toddshow, this is Howard Cosell, coming to you from across the great unknown. Of course, it is no longer the great unknown to yours truly, because I have indeed become, what is said in the vernacular of William Shakespeare, wormfood.
As I look across the great divide of time, and space, my eyes are once again drawn to the great contests of our day, that of the Wide World of Sports, and, frankly ladies and gentlemen, I am indeed, disgusted.
Let us start at the top, shall we, Michael Duane Vick, born June 26, 1980, in Newport News Virginia . He, of fame of the Hokies of Virginia Tech. He, of the fame of the first pick in the 2001 draft has this week pled guilty to conspiracy in a dogfighting ring, and helping kill pit bulls. This from a man who lived in the lap of luxury, who will be now living in the lap of some biker named Bubba. This is a man, who ate off of gold plates and drank from sliver chalices, who will now have to be careful that there isn't glass in his beef-a-roni. Indeed, he is going from Versace suits to an orange jump suit.
Vick has conceded that he has done some horrible things, which equate to the torture and death of beautiful canine animals. Indeed, heaven is filled with dog poo tonight. Vick would train these innocent animals to become fighting machines. For example, Vick had numerous dogs, I must merely surmise their names: Fido, Bronx, Frazier, Champ; and if one of the dogs didn't succeed in the sick gladiatorial arena that he had contrived, then "down goes Frazier, down goes Frazier." If another dog didn't succeed, then Vick would stick them in water and electrocute them, and indeed the dog named Bronx would be burning.
This is a culture that celebrates and indeed tolerates criminal behavior from our athletes, rather than holding them up to a piercing spotlight of appropriate behavior. Is it any wonder that the jersey of another Virginia resident, Allen Iverson, is one of the most popular in the National Basketball League? He, of the semi automatic gun and the charges that mysteriously go away? Is it any wonder that one of the most respected and toughest players in the history of the National Hockey League, Rick Tocchet was sentenced this week for being part of a gambling ring, which of course seems less like Tony Granato and more Tony Soprano? And please, please, do not get me started once again about Barry Lamar Bonds, and his questionable use of arthritis cream. My friends, there is not one sport on our landscape right now that is without stain.
But today, the hot, blue, CSI light is on that unexpected expectorant that has been spewed all over the National Football League. One would have to ask themselves, how have we gotten to this? The answer is very simple. I can not believe that in the small community that is the brotherhood and occasional sisterhood of the NFL, that Michael Vicks predilection to all things canine was something that was a secret. I can not believe this canine conundrum was something that just woofed its ugly head onto the owners and players. Indeed, if I knew about the possibility of this scandal for months, how long did Falcons owner Arthur Blank have a whiff of it? How long did Commissioner Godell? Both interviewed Vick months ago. Goodell looked him in the eye and Vick denied anything to do with dog fighting. Both of the Commissioner and the owner of the Falcolns heard exactly what they wanted to hear, and let it lie like that.
Why? Follow the money. Michael Vick sold jerseys. He sold Nikes. He sold tickets, and the league or the businesses that are part of the collective of the mass commercial power of the National Football League condoned his off the field behavior because his persona of an outlaw was exactly of such a nature that attracted those dollars in the first place. However, as opposed to those athletes who participate in the World Wrestling Entertainment, Michael Vick's bad boy personage was not a character. It was not a gimmick, and he was indeed that of what he seemed. Michael Vick is and was a bad boy.
Indeed, he has now pled guilty to federal dog fighting charges and gambling. In December he will be sentenced to 1 to 5 years in a Federal Penitentiary. The NFL has suspended him indefinitely, which is a nice way for them not to make any additional decisions. His supporters are already barking for his return to playing professional football. Let me give some advice to Commissioner Godell regarding Michael Vick: No Reinstatement. Ever.
Some history is in order. The NFL has a policy that one can be banned for life from the NFL for an association with gambling that discredits the league. Indeed, pro football was born as a vehicle for gambling, and its owners and players have long been connected with organized crime and gambling, according to the 1989 book Interference: How Organized Crime Influences Professional Football by investigative author
You want some names? George Halas, founder of the Chicago Bears in the 1920s, received loans from an associate of Chicago's "Scarface" Al Capone family, says Moldea. Tim Mara, who paid $500 for the New York Giants in 1925, was a bookie. Charles W. Bidwill, "a bootlegger, gambler, racetrack owner, and an associate of the Capone mob," says Moldea, bought the Chicago Cardinals in 1933. The team is now in Arizona and still run by a Bidwill. Big-time gambler Art Rooney bought the Pittsburgh Steelers in 1933. His son still runs the team. Horse-racing enthusiast and gambler George Preston Marshall bought a team in Boston and moved it to Washington, D.C., in the 1930s, says Moldea.
After World War II, the All-American Football Conference was formed to rival the National Football League. Many of the owners were high rollers, says Moldea. Del E. Webb was a partner in a New York team in the new league. Webb was the contractor whom mobster Bugsy Siegel handpicked to build the Flamingo, the first major hotel-casino in Vegas. Webb had a 10 percent interest in that casino and later built and owned other gambling meccas in Nevada. Ben Lindheimer, whom Moldea labels "the overlord of Chicago's racetracks," bought into a team.
Indeed, the Kefauver Committee in the 1950's specifically stated how much the mob had an influence over professional football. So, the NFL created a "lifetime" ban provision, and left it at that. For the most part, I believe that it worked, as the mob moved to other tangential aspects: controlling the concessions, the garbage hauling and lesser known sports like the National Basketball Association.
However, Michael Vick, even with the horrific and discrediting admission of Vick that he treated dogs like they were enemy combatants at Abu Girab, he conceded that there was a significant amount of gambling around the dog fighting arenas. I think its fair that if one were to trace the underworld of dogfighting back far enough, they would end up with some sort of major criminal enterprise.
Vick appears to be made of money, but really like all things in life, financial stability is fleeting. Nike has ended its relationship with Vick. The Falcons are seeking $22 million back from him. He will be unable to obtain any new sponsorship of just about anything without PETA screaming like a cat underneath the tire of a mini-van. He appears to have taken the MC Hammer guide to investment and care of his friends which have all taken his money and buried the bones. He has no marketable skills other than football. So, let me ask the hypothetical question, if in two-years or three-years Michael Vick is released from prison, and seeks reinstatement in the league, and some random owner of the Raiders is willing to participate in a Federal work-release program, and we have Vick, an admitted torturer of animals, and underworld associate, it begs the question can we really trust that he's not going to throw a game just to satisfy a debt? How can we be certain that Vick isn't going to something to even further discredit the integrity of the NFL game itself?
To put it more succinctly - Vick has already been given a long leash, and he's hung himself with it.
I have never put up a post like this before, but I was forwarded a copy of the Stone Coyotes new "Dreams of Glory" and am absolutely floored. I have been listening to this album all day, non-stop since I woke up. I know its excessive, but it is really fantastic. I am waiting for my wife to swipe it for herself, and doubt that I'll ever see it again.
I will be trying to convince them to upload some more tracks to the PMN. They have one track so far, "Party Down the Hall" which is just fantastic, and I must have missed it on the first go-around.
This is one of the best album's that I have heard in awhile. They have an amazing story, which I'll get into on the show next week, but the lead singer, Barbara, reminds me of Patti Smith, Lucinda Williams, Pat Benatar, Chrissy Hynde, and even Stevie Nicks all rolled into one.
They certainly get the Jersey Todd "Seal of Approval"
All fired up tonight. All of the artists on the show are here because they were asked to be here by podcasters. This is the true power of the new media revolution. On tonight's show:
There are targets, and then there are targets. In the history of this show, there has been no greater target than one man. One man, whose pseudo use of the martial arts, has rocketed him to fame on a level we have not seen since Andy Griffith; one man, whose as much of a cowboy as Jon Bon Jovi; one man; who is as synonymous for his beard as was Bert Byleven or Rick Sutcliffe. Ladies and gentlemen, its time once again to talk about my personal Lex Luthor, the Killer Kahn to my Andre the Giant, the Britney Spears to my Avril Lavine, the nemesis of the Jersey Toddshow – Carlos Ray "Chuck" Norris.
Oh sure, I know what you're saying, JT, wasn't Braddock III an incredible movie? To this, I say sure, but it was no Octagon or Lone Wolf McQuade. Chuck Norris and I go way back, and it has been more than one time that he has foiled my plans to take over the world with his massive pythons and his Norelco beard attachment shave. But today, I had to give you a heads up about the recent evil masterminds that the Chucked one has just foiled.
Tchirts.com is a website that sells, well, t-shirts with funky graphics on them. You know, those screen printed American Eagle, Old Navy, swarmy little sayings or meme images that are cool in the I'm-bummed-that-I'm-out-of-school-because-I-don't-have-a-need-to-buy-a-dress-t-shirt-a-cool-saying-kind of way. You know that they have to be bad-guys, because they have their website is spelled t-chirts, with a "C" in it instead of an S, and any use of an oddly placed consonants. For example, look at history Japan, with their hard "P" in the middle of their name – evil – bad guys; Russia – with all their Shh in the middle of their name; now Iraq, with that scary "K" sound at the end – you know that means they're bad. So, it makes perfect sense to me that "Tchirts" with their randomly placed "C" clearly identifies them as the bad-guy against someone with a smooth name like Norris.
Well, the dastardly guys over at Tchirts made a t-shirt that had ol' hair face on it, and tried to sell it. They actually have a lot of quote celebrities on their site, and for better or worse, don't we all want some kid who was born in 1997 to wear a Mr. T "pity the fool" shirt, because something like that won't make me feel ridiculously old already. They actually call their site, "Funny Beer and Sports T-Shirts for Real Men" because baby, it takes a real man to wear a "Menudo" t-shirt. You see, that's funny. Menudo on a t-shirt. Sigh.
So back to the issue at hand, they had this t-shirt with Chuck Norris' mug on it, and they received the following letter, and I want to read it to you word-for-word:
We represent Mr. Chuck Norris, the famous actor. Mr. Norris owns rights in his name, image and related trademarks and copyrights (collectively "Norris Properties"). He has used them for many years in his profession and his businesses. Mr. Norris recently learned that you are promoting and selling t-shirts displaying the Norris Properties ("T-shirts") on your website www.Tchirts.com. An example from your website is annexed.
Mr. Norris enjoys significant fame and goodwill in the Norris Properties. Mr. Norris did not licence you or permit you to use Norris properties. By promoting and selling these T-shirts, you demonstrate your intent to gain by missapropriating Mr. Norris' name and goodwill. You are also violating Mr. Norris' publicity and privacy rights.
On behalf of Mr. Norris, we demand that you immediately 1)Stop using the Norris properties, including on all sales of products; 2) cease all promotion and sales of products bearing the Norris Properties; 3) identify the source from which you obtained those products; and 4) provide us with an accounting from your revenues from sales of products bearing any of the Norris Properties, including the selling price of each item sold and an itemization of all products bearing the Norris Properties in your inventory. Any use of the Norris Properties after receipt of this notice, will be further proof of your intentional missapropriation, from which Mr. Norris can receive immediate injunctive relief, higher damages and payment of his attorneys' fees. If you believe you obtained these products from an authorized source, please forward me the names and address of your vendor and we will let you know whether the vendor was authorized to use the Norris Properties in that manner.
We expect your response in writing within 10 days of the date of this letter. Mr. Norris reserves all his rights, including the right to take legal action as necessary to halt your unlawful conduct.
Sincerely, [Attorney's Name]
Now believe it or not, under the circumstances, I actually don't think this is the most horrible thing I've ever read. Frankly, it was actually one of the nicer letters that I've ever read. Certainly, my letters are far, far worse. I come from the school of speak loudly and carry a heavy pen. I use words like cinderblocks. So, this letter to me, is pretty darn tame. But let me read you the response from the Tchirts boys.
Hi [attorney's first name],
We apologize for any inconvenience caused to Mr. Norris and hope he isn't angry with us. Until now we respected him and we wouldn't want him to come and kick our scrawny screen printing asses!
This t-shirt was only put up about a month ago. We sold a total of 0 (zero) Chuck Norris t-shirts, because nobody thought it was as cool as we did. In fact I don't think Chucky got any publicity this past year other than through our website and the Bowflex. So we don't mind removing an unsuccessful t-shirt from our website. We promise to never make another Chuck Norris T-shirt without his permission again!
Don't forget to visit us again, we have many new t-shirts added regularly (no Chuck Norris ones we promise) !!!!
OK, now I want to be perfectly clear about my position here. I don't begrudge anyone the opportunity to make a living, even if it is from poorly made t-shirts, which are constructed from the sweat of underage Chinese children that make a bowl or rice and a slap on the ass for every 1000 shirts they produce. Indeed, I don't begrudge the boys from tchirts.com from making tshirts that have all the wisdom and insight of Spencer Gifts at the mall, which reminds me that following this podcast, I plan on running over to the mall to get an Orange Julius. Who knew that the secret ingredient was finely ground coconut? Oh man, did I let the secret out – jeez, I'm going to have a giant orange with crown on banging on my door in a couple of minutes, so lets cut to the chase.
But first, the disclaimer. I am not your lawyer. I am not the lawyer for t-chirts.com. I am not a lawyer for Podshow, and I certainly am not establishing an attorney-client relationship with you. I am not establishing any kind of professional relationship with you. I just want us to date and hold hands for a little bit, and maybe a little smootching on the second date. Smootching on the first date? Please, what kind of podcaster do you take me for?
But, in the same way you would not give a bull a colonoscopy based on something that you saw on Animal Planet, so to, should you not consider this to tried and true professional advice.
That being said, the lawyer from Dewey, Cheatum and Howe, or whatever the Firm's name is, is 100% right. Now, of course, like anything else, it all depends on State law, which has more twists and turns than the roller coaster at Great Adventure.
But in general, celebrities, if Chuck Norris were to qualify for that, have a right to publicity – the right to control the use of their image in a product, but this protection genrally doesn't extend to a use that involves serious artist expression or news. I love where this all came from in 1953, the Second Circuit extended the traditional right of privacy, the right to be left alone, to recognize the "right of publicity" in the case of Haelan Laboratories v. Topps Chewing Gum, Inc. 202 F.2d 866, 868 (2nd Cir.) cert. den. 346 U.S. 816 (1953). The Court recognized that baseball players had a property right in their photograph on baseball cards. The Court also held that there was no right to no right not to be the card next to the crappy, powdered chewing gum, nor is there a right not to have your card right in front of Cookie Rojas' card, because you know, any guy named Cookie kinda would get me a little nervous, too. But this concept has been expanded to crazy stuff, like saying "Here's Johnny" to a t-shirt with Dennis Rodman's tattoos. What it comes down to is whether or not you're using an image for a commercial purpose. Let me give you an example, numbered prints of Tiger Woods that some artist was selling was considered "art" and didn't violate Tiger's publicity right. However, much like our friends at Tchirts, a different court ruled that mass-produced t-shirts of the Three Stooges violated their estate's publicity rights. The bottom line is that the closer you come to art or news, the better off you are. Oh, and I hear what you're saying, but Larry, Curly, and even poor, poor, Moe are dead, so what do they care. Actually, California, which produces most celebrities, and avocados, incidentally, has a law that says that this protection extends for at least 50-years. So, while the tchirts guys certainly had some fun at Master Chuck's expense, they were and, in the case of other celebrities, remain 100% in the wrong. In fact, I'd bet that Bob Barker's lawyers are about to lay the smack down, too. So in the end, while I truly believe that Chuck Norris is trying to take over the world with his too cute haircut and his tightly cropped beard, its not his spinning roundhouse kick that really should be scary. No, the scariest thing in the world is a pissed off ninja, who's got a cadre of pissed off, bankrolled, lawyers scanning the net, trying to pick fights.
Damn you Chuck Norris! Damn you to hell! Oh, that was Charlton Heston in Planet of the Apes. Oh. Nevermind.
I just love Stephen King's review of Harry Potter. Fantastic. This is why I'll read just about anything that he puts out. I love that he's become the Dean of Literature.
I also love that both Mr. King and myself have the same song from the Who on our brains.
When I first started podcasting, a podcaster that I respect told me that I better develop some really thick skin, because as a public figure, some people out there are going to take their shots at me, and I guess he was right. Over the last two years, I've dodged more punches than David Gest. But you know what, this week, this particular week, I'm putting on the gloves, putting the mouthpiece in – and well, I am going to put that puffy head headgear thing on, because I am just too damn pretty to take a punch to the face.
You see, most of the time, when I get an email I don't like, it usually hits the trash folder quicker than an offer in my inbox to purchase Cialis in bulk. Sorry, Mr. Togo, JT don't need your help put thanks for think of me.
Check out this email that I got this week:
Jersey Todd:
You mean your show is dedicated to promoting the best pro studio recorded pressed CD indie artists, that's how show should really read, don't you think! If that is the way you think, it's certainly not indie thinking. Because that's not what indie is about. I'm starting to see a lot of this type of thinking showing up more so on the Internet & it really sucks! Next, the yuppies will be taking over like they do up here in Seattle yuppy scum land!
It came from someone who's email address is Virginia, but it was signed "Wes". Well, being the bloodhound that I am, I was intrigued. I felt like a poor man's Sherlock Holmes – "The Case of the Cranky Indie Artist" Of course, I could never be confused for John Holmes. Well, at least from the neck up, if you know what I'm talking about, wink wink, nudge, nudge. Shame on you if you got that reference. Well, I popped Virginia Ervine into google, and ended up at the Website for the University of Puget Sound, where Virginia works. She seems very nice. Her bio says that she bakes, and sews. Indeed, her co-workers absolutely rave about the baked goods that she brings into work. But, I don't think she plays in a band.
So I did some more digging, I'm like McGruff the Crime Dog, but with a little bit more caffeine. I did a search for "Wes" in the Seattle area. Well, it appears that there is a band in Seattle called "Deep Concept" that was formed in 1996 by Billy Miranda and Wes. Bingo. I checked out their music, and since its not on the Podsafe Music Network, I'm not going to play it even in a "fair use" kind of way. I will say this, Wes' bandmate once won an award from MTV, meaning that this band's indie credentials are as honest as Eddie Murphy's claim that he didn't knock-up Scary Spice. Come on in 1997, you were with a transsexual prostitute. I think you've come along way, Norbert.
But Wes is 100% right, it is absolutely inappropriate for my show. In fact, its not even appropriate for my ipod. I'm not going to say it's horrible, because my mother told me that if I don't have some thing nice to say about people then I shouldn't say anything. (Mumbling) (Mumbling) (Mumbling) How long to I have to stay quiet before you get my point?
In fact, if I were in charge of a hostage rescue team, and there were hostages trapped in a building, I would just set up big speakers and play "Deep Concept" over and over and over, and the bad guys would just come running out saying "Dear Lord, Send Us to Jail! Just take that stuff off the speakers!!" Indeed, it is so not my taste that if a "Deep Concept" CD were put into a time capsule and sent off into space and aliens heard it, they'd think our culture hasn't evolved beyond throwing our own poo. Conversely, the "Deep Concept" tracks are so not my taste that I think they should take after their name, and really go into "Deep Cover" like the witness protection program. In fact, I think they should go into such Deep Cover that the guys should go full blown "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" and bust out the complete Joel Barish brain wipeout-thing, and completely forget about this. In fact, to quote an email that I received from Mike Yusi of the UC Radio Podshow, I'll probably play you on my show as soon as you stop recording into a boom box on your coffee table. Oooh, man, that's harsh. That's Yusi. Y-U-S-I, and Wes, he's a heck of a lot closer to Seattle than I am, so if you want to kick anybody's ass, let me tell you something – between us – you could take Yusi, I'm pretty sure of it. I once saw him cry really really bad when his decaf skim machiatto came with just a little too much splenda.
I kid. Really. I kid. It's not horrible. Remember this show is listed as a comedy show right. Jersey Todd is just a character, like you know, like Mr. Imus, without the old-school undertones of racism, but just like that, and I'll pit a link to Deep Concept on the website, and you can check out Deep Cover yourself and hopefully if you like it you'll buy an album and tell me what a moron I am. At the very least, I just gave them more free promotion in one paragraph than they've gotten since 1996. Oh, and about Yusi – the guy's got arms like epileptic pythons – at one moment deadly and lethal, but other times, a bit shaky, so you're on your own.
But I will say this Wes. Your email got under my skin deeper than that worm that got into Checkov's ear in Wrath of Khan. I'm not even going to give you too hard of a time about sending me an email from your mom's email address, because that's just easy pickins. Snicker, Snicker, Chortle, Chortle. Ok, I'm past that.
Lets talk about what it means to be indie, ok? Let me give you the full blown legal definition – I have no frickin idea. "Indie" isn't something that can be defined, it can't be encompassed into a mere series of words. Wes' definition of what is indie is completely different than my definition of indie, and sure there are more guys and gals like me showing up on the internet. However, Wes, it doesn't mean that this is going to turn into the Star-bucks-ing of independent music. It means that there are just more and more people pissed off at the mainstream. Sure, I like to play music that, that, well, that doesn't suck. But that doesn't for one minute discriminate against the bands that I am going to play on the show. I've played artists who made tracks in their basement, and I've played artists that are right on the cusp of superstardom. Oh, and by the way, thanks for accusing me of being a Yuppie. As my grandmother used to say, "From your mouth to gds ear". I'll remember that people think I'm a Yuppie the next time I'm in Court making a fee of $200.00 bucks for a broken finger case that took 20-hours to pursue on behalf of some guy who got his mitt caught in the conveyor belt at the sausage casing plant. Yeah, that actually happened this week.
The real problem becomes that I think artists have to ask themselves, well, what do you want to be? Do you want to be an artist that sells out arenas and has ASCAP and BMI, and the label, and the radio, and the distribution people all taking a piece of your pie, or do you want to have devoted fans that are going to actually buy your stuff and be a real part of your success. Or maybe, just maybe, here's a novel concept – you're making music because you, ah, enjoy it, and take pleasure in having others hear what you produce.
I do indeed hope that people like me take over the internet. I hope similar minds to mine are going to pick up the torch and shout from the rooftops that there are some damn fine musicians out there that the mainstream is never going to find, because they are too set in their ways, too bloated, to anachronistic, too stupid to ever recognize. They say that a rising tide rises all boats, and those rising waters are even going to bring to light a couple of bilge barnacles like these dudes from Seattle.
It doesn't matter what your definition of "indie" is. It's going to take all types of artists, and content producers for this revolution to succeed. This revolution is not about who's more independent – its about who's more talented. Its about who's got the desire to not just post a track to the PMN, but to really take the next step and make a personal connection with the listeners. Its going to take a big tent, and everyone is invited. Because, Wes, let me warn you this if shows like my show, or other shows that you perceive to be put out there by "yuppies" stop putting out content, then the only chance that any band like yours is to try to break into the big time is through the Clear Channels, the Soundscan's or the Morning Zoo's of the world, which for a lot of bands that has as much of a chance of happening as I do playing in the NBA. Actually, from what I understand from some of my cousin's relatives from North Jersey, lately its not so hard for a guy like me, with a bit of scratch, and lets just say some connections, to get into an NBA game. Fuggetabout it.
Wes, to you I say this. Join us. Be a part of the revolution. Don't hate the playa, hate the game. Post some tracks to the PMN, and even if nobody ever plays them, you have the instant feedback that you need to keep plugging away. My tastes are certainly different from a lot of the other podcasts that are out there, and I'm pretty sure, somebody is going to give you the play that your hard work deserves.
And someday, if I play you on my show, I really expect a package of your mom's cookies in the mail the next day.
legalAfter a bit of running around, we're back with a vengence. Any delay in getting this show out is all John Wall's from the fantastic M Show! But at least my butt is gonna look a whole lot better.
On the last show, I told you a story. I kind of slipped it in there, and tried to get a cheap laugh out of it. But, now in thinking about it, I think it deserves really talking about. Yes, I was hung on a hook. It happened my sophomore year of high school and well, I'm really not proud of it. As I told you, I mouthed off to one of the football players, and he hung me on a hook by my belt. Yeah, I know, what did I expect.
As I hung there for a little bit, I had a chance to think. I had a chance to think about life, and my future, and that hot girl in my Algebra I class, and about how my mouth kept getting me into trouble. To the extent that that I had a great zen moment hanging there by my Levi's, and really had the opportunity to explore my own personal karma, I guess that I have to thank that football player for my time of personal growth and enlightenment. You see, that's the thing about bullies – they want you to think that they're really helping you.
Trust me, I've heard it all: "if you only saw my foot, you wouldn't have tripped over it" or "you've got to learn how to hold on to your books tighter so other people won't be able to knock them out of your hands" or "we need to protect your fledging democracy from the from the terrorists that are attacking your oil reserves. I mean your homes."
As we grew up, we thought that everything would be easier. However, adult bullies are no better. They're no smarter, and they certainly are even less justified. But they certainly want you to believe that its still all your fault.
Take for example my close personal friends at the Universal Music Publishing Group. These are the good people that do the royalties for such good folks as 3 Doors Down all the way to Van Morrison. With offices in 41-countries, they have the publishing and licensing rights to so many artists that you know and love. I mean you used to love. Because the last time that I bought one of their bands Lewinsky was wondering whether to take that blue dress to the cleaners. Oh, and by the way, today, you and I – we're all Bush's blue dress, think about it.
But the Universal group helps poor, struggling artists, like Mandy Moore or Ice Cube collect their royalties and protect unauthorized use of their tunes. According to their website, they are even going to provide free dental care to pre-approved, pre screened clients. Of course, we don't know what the criteria is, but I'm sure that one of which will be whether the artist has regular teeth or those funky but scary Flavor Flav teeth, which, of course requires a nice gold polish rather than a fluoride treatment. But I digress.
Like so many of these seemingly good and wholesome organizations, the Universal Music Publishing Group is just another bully. Take for example the case of Stephanie Lenz. She's a mom. She has an incredibly cute kid, who can't be any older than my son. Ms. Lenz thought it would be a cute idea to upload to You Tube a 29-second video of her son dancing to Prince's "Let's Go Crazy". She didn't do it to make a buck; she did it because she thought her friends and family would think it was cute. She was 100% right. It is an adorable little video, and frankly, no different than the thousands of other videos on You Tube.
However, last month, YouTube informed Lenz that it had removed the video from its website after Universal claimed that the recording infringed a copyright controlled by the music company. Under federal copyright law, a mere allegation of copyright infringement can have something taken off the incident quicker than Cory Haim scrambling on the floor at piñata night at the methadone clinic. I know what you're saying, "Ooh, a Corey Haim reference. How 80's! But what about Corey Feldman?" Well, stay tuned.
Let me give you another example; remember that nutjob Uri Geller, the guy that claims he can bend spoons with his mind? He was able to make the video of a guy named Brian Sapient's video disappear from You Tube, because Sapient used 8-seconds of a copyrighted video in an effort to debunk Geller's snake oil tricks. Again, he didn't post the material to make a buck, but he felt he was educating people.
Now we need to talk about something. You need some ammunition. You see these big media companies, have all these lawyers on their side, and well, you need a little knowledge, too. Let's talk about "Fair Use".
I never intended for the Jersey Toddshow to become a law show or a legal education show, because that would make me just a typical lawyer – like that stiff Legal Lad. My lord, have you heard that guy's podcast? Legal Lad's Quick and Dirty Tips for a More Lawful Life? Jesus is he stiff. He needs to loosen up. He reminds me of that old 2XL toy. Come on man, the practice of law isn't about dusty old books and boring old topics, you need to enjoy the game of it all my friend, you need to enjoy the chess of it all. I love practicing law. I love saying to another attorney, I'm smarter than you and I can prove it. This is my fun, this is my video games. So come on Legal Lad, loosen the tie up and come on over to the happy side of the street.
That being said, we all know that I'm not a typical lawyer, and you my friends are not typical clients. In fact, you are not my client in one way or another, and in the same way you wouldn't be doing colo-rectal surgery based on something that you heard on Diggnation, so to, should you not pretend that this is real on-the-clock legal advice, but we need to talk. We need to talk about fair use. "Fair Use" my fair haired non-law school debt baring friends is your shield. They are your prophylactic device against the transmitted diseases that these jerks are trying to spread. The words "fair use" should be tattooed to everyone's butts so everytime you bend over to tie your shoes, someone else can be reminded.
What is "Fair Use" –nothing other than one of the greatest and best legal concepts of all time. Check this out – it allows you limited use of something that's copyrighted without the permission of a copyright holder. Ohmygd. Now I could teach a class on this, but lets break it down.
In order for you to be able to use this as an affirmative defense, you have to show a couple of things: the purpose and character of the use, including whether such use is of a commercial nature or is for nonprofit educational purposes; the nature of the copyrighted work, the amount and substantiality of the portion used in relation to the copyrighted work as a whole; and the effect of the use upon the potential market for or value of the copyrighted work. In law, everyone of those words really matters, and there are a billion cases out there cutting those elements into a billion pieces of sushi.
I know, legal gibberish. Here's JT's take. Not-for-profit or educational – you're good to go. Across the board, at least I think. I've seen some cases recently pop up that says even if there is a smidge of commercialism to it, then it could be a copyright problem, so like in all things in life – follow the money.
The nature of the copyrighted materials is kind of cool to think about. I know, I get jazzed by this minutia. Here, the Court has been saying that facts and ideas are not copyrightable. Kind of fun to think about, right? Hmm, that's open to a whole mess of debate. One man's facts is another man's failed plan in Iraq. Cheap shot, I know.
The third factor that the Court looks at is the amount and substantiality of the portion of the work. This is Biz Markie part. I gotta sing it, and if I get in trouble, sue me, "Girl You've Got What I need." The Biz got in trouble a few years back for sampling Gilbert O'Sullivan's track of "Alone Again Naturally" and ever since that time, the Courts have held that if you can figure out who the sample is from, then its no longer fair game, and needs licensing. Again, the "amount and substantiality" test. Frankly, it was this one stupid Court case that took all of the fun out of rap music for me, and took it from something that poor kids do without expensive training and instruments to make art. But hey that's a rant from a long time ago.
The last prong is the kicker, the Court needs to evaluate how the violation affects the market. Yeah, I'm sure that the Universal Music Group was really affected by Ms. Lenz using 29-seconds of Prince as a backdrop for her kids dancing. In fact, I'm pretty confident that had she even found a way to contact him, Prince probably would have not only licensed the song, but sent the kid a purple onesie with his butt hanging out. Overall, I think this element is the most favorable to people claiming a "Fair Use" defense because clearly Universal or other copyright holders are going to be held to a very, very high burden in showing an actual loss.
So, there you have it. I'm not saying to run around and use every piece of copyrighted material that you can. But there are situations, like Stephanie Lenz, or Brian Sapient where you absolutely should be able to use copyrighted material, and if you are doing it in an appropriate manner, then you have to punch these bullies right in the nose, and tell them to go pick on someone else.
My bully? He's still out there. He's still on the street, and boy oh boy, is he still taking care of business. Actually, I just ran into him. He's pumping gas at a Sunoco on Rt. 18. Things certainly do have a way of working out.
But that's ok, because I'm pretty sure that the guy who was scraping the bugs off my windshield was none other than Corey Feldman.
I've been missing in action for the last few days, but I've been playing around with my Nano and a new pair of Nikes with the sensors in them. I mentioned on Twitter that I was digging them, and John Wall from the M Show challenged me to 100-miles in a month, which frankly seems ridiculous, but I'll give it a shot. I'm not doing horribly so far for having just gotten my legs back under me.
Some other folks have joined in the run, too. If you've got the stuff, why not join us...and you, too, can kick my ass.
I am so excited to be the first podcaster to play the Jen Chapin Trio. They are a fantastic jazz, funk, urban-soul band from the New York City area. Jen is also the daughter of Harry Chapin, one of my favorite artists, and founder of the incredible World Hunger Year.
I love my State. I really do. From Aberdeen to Zarapeth, New Jersey is my home. I grew up here, fell in love here, had children here, and have even defended my homeland in Court. I cringe everytime I hear a Jersey joke. I've got Jersey on the brain to the point that when I hear people call Adam Curry, "AC", I think that they're talking about Atlantic City.
But that's not my point, my point is that it drives me so nuts, when we Joisey-ites give the world another chance to lick their finger and stick it in our collective ears. This of course never happened to me personally, but I did get hung on a hook for a little bit by my belt – short guy with a big mouth, what should have I expected when I told the captain of the football team that if he spent more time examining his playbook as opposed to his tater-tots, we'd be in a lot better shape for the Homecoming game. What did I know, some guys take it as constructive criticism, and other people hang fans on a hook?
Take for example our newest claim to shame, the current Miss New Jersey, Amy Polumbo. I don't know if you caught this story, but it's a good one. Apparently, Miss Polumbo received two packages and letters threatening to reveal racy photos of her if she didn't drop out of the Miss America contest. Bizarre. Here's where it gets even weirder, she revealed the pictures today, and frankly, they aren't that bad. Sure, there is one picture of her boyfriend posing with her provocatively, and sure, there is another one of her in a pose more spread eagled than Mary Lou Retton, and sure, there's a few of her drinking alcohol, and the kicker is that in all of the pictures, she's wearing clothes, she's not doing anything illegal, and just looks like a girl having fun. I mean she looks like a goofy friend of your sister's and hey do you want me to try to get you a date with her, but they aren't even in the same stratosphere as pages 52 through 57 of the September 1984 of Penthouse, featuring former Miss America winner Vanessa Williams. I'm not conceding publicly that I have that issue, but I will say, "boy, the prices on those protective baggies for Penthouse magazines really have gone up since 1984, you know what I mean, wink wink, nudge nudge."
To quote the original gangster himself, Mr. William "Willy Will" Shakespeare, "a pox on all of your houses." I swear on the sideburns of Paulie Walnuts, I have no idea who I dislike more in this story.
Lets start at the one who, in theory, is committing a criminal act, the unidentified blackmailer. This person wants Miss New Jersey to drop out of the Miss America contest. No money. No other benefit, just wants her to drop out of the pageant. Ok, this is bizarre. So, who can we eliminate – well, the mob for one – 'cause heck, they're running the pageant so they don't have any interest. The other 49 competitors? They were afraid of her? Please, unless the talent competition involves a hair scrunchee and a trip to the mall, I think that Ms. California or Ms. Florida or Ms. Arizona, or Miss Anywhere-they-have-decent-weather-for-most-of-the-year, had a horse-racers chance of beating her. So, if I were still working at the Attorney General's office, I'd be very antsy to talk to the person that lost the Miss New Jersey competition, because maybe they're the only one with any real interest here. Oy, the "runner-up in the 2007 Miss New Jersey" pageant – that's less job security than Gary Cherone's stint in Halen. But, frankly, this is an evil genius who is just not striving to reach their full potential. Hmm…lets risk going to jail for a long time that you could just accomplish by saying "Blackmailer says! Blackmailer says!" Oof, that joke fell flatter than the last pancake that got stuck underneath Dom DeLuise’s third chin.
Now lets talk about the current Miss New Jersey, Ms. Polumbo. What the heck were you thinking? From what I read, the photos that you were being blackmailed with were from your Facebook site. You've got to be kidding me. Now I hate to be stereotypical here, but how could you be so, so, blonde? Don't you know that pretty much that every thing you put on the net, from who is the best lawyer in New Jersey to, to, well wait, let the google search hit that again, who is the best lawyer in New Jersey to oh I dunno, Paris Hilton is a clown, is going to show up on the net. Now, I have seen the pictures. They are not sexual at all, in fact, they are some what goofy, in a "Legally Blonde" kind of way. But don't try to kid me that you only meant them for friends and were on a private site on Facebook. Please. Both you and I know, that our friends on Facebook and Myspace and all of these social networking type sites are as loyal as guy in a dark van offering to give a ten year old some ice cream . Please. There are more predators on that site than there were in all of the Jurassic Park movies. You knew exactly what you were posting, where you were posting them, and how they would be taken, and you know what, if I ran across them I wouldn't have even thought twice about them. But please don't insult my intelligence by saying these were some sort of super secret website. Frankly, if you were my friend on myspace, I would have really been more supportive - because winter, spring, summer, or fall, Miss New Jersey, all you had to do is call, because you've got a friend on myspace, Miss New Jersey.
Let's go to the last leg of this triad of stupidity, the pageant itself. Isn't it time that we took a look at these things. Now, I'm not suggesting that we need to change anything in these pageants, but aren't they a little dated and just a whole lot sexist? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for consentual sexist behavior, if that's what's agreed upon by the parties, but don't try to tell me that these 50 girls in bikinis are there just to show the beauty of the female form. Of course not, they are in butts in the seats, and not necessarily female butts (give or take a few really butch looking truckers). So, I don't see why that the pageant directors would have any problems with racy pictures, unless they're upset that they didn't get their cut of the proceeds, But, please, the concept that all of these women in this pageant are all little angels and carriers of the moral torch is so darn Betty Crocker 1950's that it makes my head spin. In fact, I want my Miss New Jersey to have a drink every once in awhile and to have fun with her friends. That's who we are in New Jersey. The concept that a Miss America should be a bimbo that can twirl a baton and wish for world peace is as antiquated as my TRS-80 Color Computer. Ok, that was perhaps the geekiest reference I've ever made, but hey, you have to know you're audience, right?
This being said, I actually feel sorry for Miss Garden Patch because for a girl who shows her Jersey tomatoes in a bikini in front of millions of people in a pageant, to even give a care the size of the back of a thong is just not fair. But hey, this is what she wanted right? She wanted the adulation, the attention, and oh yeah, to have a crown on her head, and in some respects this alleged blackmail has brought you more attention than you really ever deserved. One could…even…think…that…she…staged…the whole thing…..Ah, forget it, she's a blonde. You know, if you really wanted to impress me Miss Palumbo, rather than really caring about stupid beauty pageants, why not do something that really would change the world – like becoming a teacher.
The first episode of JTB brings a great oldie from December 2006 regarding the future of podcasting. It is amazing to me how relevant this essay still is - we still need to keep striving.
Thanks to Oli from the fantastic My Way Home Podcast for his help. I'm working one more aspect of the show before I "officially" debut it this week, but feel free to come over to the site now.
This past week, we packed the wife and kids up and went down to Howell Farm, which is a real life working farm. My kids absolutely loved it. There were cows, and sheep, and pigs. It was an absolutely perfect day. I even had some home made ice cream. Good day. My son, Charlie was almost overwhelmed by the animals, the whole week he's been going "I touched a sheep", but for me, I took something very different out of this day. I looked around, and didn't see any Starbucks, I didn't see a Home Depot, and the Walmart was at least a 5-mile walk, and I said to myself, "Self (because that's what I call myself), this was a frigging hard life." You see, I don't know if I could have done it. Sure, they had a farm house, and I suppose some meager farm tools, but I don't know if I could have woken up at the crack of dawn every day to be a farmer, dealing with the crops and all that stuff. Well, I do shovel crap some mornings in Court, but you get my drift.
That's why, I've got to take a very unpopular position this week, however, this past week the NFL Players Union testified in Congress that they were entitled to increased disability benefits for injuries arising out of playing football, and in fact, Coach Ditka from the Bears has done an amazing job bringing this issue to the forefront. In fact, this statistic shocked me, that out of the 8000 former players of the league, only 300 people receive benefits from the league. The players claim that they have to step through tires filed with red tape, and go through a bureaucratic mess to receive benefits.
But, as my high school coach once said to me, "Hey Ditka - what do you think you're special? Suck it up! Shake it off, and get back in the game!"
I don't mean to be crass here, but I really have a problem with the NFL players complaining now, for a variety of reasons. I am not going to begrudge them for one second that many of them have suffered horrific, and traumatic injuries during the course of their playing days. I am not going to begrudge that football is a sport of collisions that are like a mack truck hitting a wall. I am not going to be the one to say that the NFL owners made tons of money off the sweat of these hard working individuals.
But to the players association, I say this "and?" I work every day with injured people, people that are totally and permanently disabled, and you know what there are a lot of guys and girls in this country that sweat, there are lot of people in this country who's hard work made a ton of money for their bosses, and you know what - they're not entitled to a dime more than what they negotiated when they originally took their job.
More importantly, there are remedies available to the players, but like a lot of workers out there, they just don't take advantage of them. For example, remember George Adams from the Giants? I think he played a couple of years with the Patriots too. He was drafted by the Jints in the first round in 1985, and he played running back from then until 1991. In 1996, he filed in New Jersey Workers Compensation Court trying to get the Giants to pay for a hip replacement surgery, and the Court rightfully dismissed the claim because it was way out of time. It wasn't until 2003 that the Appellate Division finally said enough and closed the case out for good
Sure, it's a sad story, but Adams is in and should be in no better position than the millions and millions of employees that get hurt on the job, and if they want their employer to pay for stuff, then they have to file a timely claim. I don't think that just because he's a football player should entitle Adams to any extra benefit.
Some of these athletes have been coddled all their life, and now that their careers have ended, they really miss the warm, wet, hug of their mommies. Maybe that's more prevalent now where than it was years ago, but lets not kid ourselves, when a kid comes out of high school and gets shuffled through college and spends more time on the field than in the classroom, they knew the deal, they knew the opportunities that they had in front of them, and were co-conspirators in their own problems. Maybe it was short sighted, but the rest of us had that cold realization that nobody is going to take care of us, but us, like we were the fat kid on the first day of sleep away camp.
The NFL players association has a problem with the bureaucracy of their benefits system. Really? Is this the first time that they've dealt with bureaucracy? I can't get six-slices of turkey on my sub at Subway without talking to two levels of management. Please Jashwari, just put some of the spicy mustard on the thing, lather it up, and stick it in a bag, I'm in a rush. My problem is that we all have to deal with bureaucracy on a day to day basis, and is this really something that Congress needs to get involved with? This is a frigging customer service issue. Do we really need to distract ourselves from the war in Iraq, the quasi-criminal behavior in the White House so my local Senator can waste half a day to get a picture with Joe Willie Namath?
We are in the midst of a national health care crisis. I don't mean crisis in the traditional "Crisis at the Mall - Film at Eleven", type crisis. I mean "Crisis" in the ohmigd this is a really sobering and horrible problem kind of crisis kind of way. The kind of crisis that is right in front of us, and by the grace of gd you and I haven't had to deal with it. I've seen it. Hopefully, you have insurance. Hopefully, you have a whole boat load of overflow insurance, because I've seen it. If you get hurt in this country, traumatically, and you get hurt, you go right from the hospital right to the bankruptcy line. Seriously. Its that quick, and once you get there you get charity care or Medicare or any other social remedial program that gives you as much choice as a my homies at Guantanamo. You think I'm kidding. Did you know that the average surgery on your back is about a $100,000 plus the time lost from work and all of that? I certainly don't have that kind of money laying around for unexpected problems, hell, NFL players might not have that kind of scratch just laying around. Michael Vick does of course, and he's letting his dogs use it for a training area before fights. Sick bastard, but that's a story for another day.
If Ditka really wants to do something, then perhaps he should tackle the entire health care problem in this country. If Ditka wants to actually give back to the fans that paid for the tickets that made the NFL a success, then maybe its time to step up and speak for the whole team. Because when, athletes, or celebrities in general, use their power and influence, to try to get benefits that you and I are not entitled to, and for benefits that they didn't negotiate for in the past, it just gives off an awful smell....hmm....what does that remind me of? I know, what it reminds me of.....the pig crap that was sitting in the hot heat back at the farm.
Oh, and to my friends in Chicago. This takes nothing away from my immense respect from Coach Ditka. In fact, as they said on Saturday Night Live. Ditka versus the Packers? Who would win? Ditka. Ditka versus the Indianapolis 500 driving a school bus? Who would win? Ditka? Ditka versus Paris Hilton in a beauty contest? Ditka. But Ditka versus Jersey Todd in an argument? Who would win?
So, I'm considering putting out a new show, as a companion to the Jersey Toddshow, called "Jersey Todd's Briefs". Check out the softest of soft launches, here and email me if you want to help.
Fired up about Webcasting v. Podcasting, and at the end of the day we need to support all of the webcasters by going here. But you're here for the good stuff, the right stuff, the best stuff - you're here for some kick-ass Podsafe Music...including:
Special Thanks to Jim Testa of the Jersey Beat Podcast for the new version of the Jersey Todd Theme Song. Of course, we're also playing more Psykosoul.
I don't have a very big list of pet peeves. They're pretty simple: people who don't look you in the eye when they shake your hand, men who wear white socks with suits, women with too much perfume and blue eye shadow, podcasters who podfade. Its all very simple, really. However, rising up the list with a bullet, the one thing that gets my blood boiling faster than Pac Man Jones running out the back door of a Las Vegas strip club is going to Costco.
Now, I apologize for the remainder of this discussion, because I don't mean to single-out Costco. Sam's Club drives me equally bonkers, too. But, we belong to Costco, and well, to perfectly honest, I don't really know what the difference is between Costco and Sam's Club other than at one you can get Yoshida's dipping sauce and at the other you can Kikoman, but that's neither here nor there. Because "the Powers that Be" have decided that we should be members of Costco, they are going to bear the brunt of today's essay, but should don't feel like you're getting off the hook Sam, or your bastard child of the evil empire known as Walmart - we might as well be talking about you, too.
The concept here is fine. Allow regular people to buy products at wholesale prices. Ok, fine, I get it. Nice concept. But like the Olsen Twins, this cute little idea has morphed into a unwieldy machine that needs to be stopped before it reaches world domination. The Olsen Twins, I mean, not Costco. Costco's just a business, but boy does it get under my skin.
The parking lot. I have never been in a Costco parking lot that doesn't look like the 83rd Airborne isn't going to come rocketing through trying to avoid roadside bombs. But once you work your way to the front, you have to present the attendant with your "Membership Card". Oh sure, membership, right. Like this is the back room at Studio 54, and we're all lining up to do lines of Coke with Wahrol. Please. This is not membership. This is having to provide proof of suckership. I mean where else in the world would you pay an initiation fee to buy a giant tub of mayonnaise, but more importantly, why oh why does anyone need about a giant tub of mayonnaise. More about that later.
There has been a couple of times, I've actually gotten a little intimidated by the Costco entry queue. What if I don't have the right credentials? What if they don't let me in? I must have stood there like a statute just watching the ever vigilant Costco guard checking membership cards. Vigilant? Please, its not like any of these people are using this job experience as a resume builder for the TSA. At least I hope not. So, we get inside. Now, I don't know whether you shop at Costco. I don't know if you are a nice person, mean person, I don't know if you are listening to me on your Ipod inside of a Costco right now, but let me tell you this, if you are shopping along side of me in Costco - I hate you. I absolutely hate every person from every walk of life shopping in a Costco, and here's why: everyone there is a frigging moron. Absolutely. First, they give you the Hummer of all Shopping Carts, and make you maneuver around little tables and around crap, and this thing has absolutely no mobility. Lets put it this way, I had better lateral and horizontal moves on the Atari 2600 playing "Combat". But then, you add in the moving target of all of the absolute morons shopping at this whorehouse.
Let's put it this way, if people drove like they moved around Costco, we'd all be dead. Ma'am how much investigation into that giant box of Kotex pads do you really need to do? Sir, if you have to stand there and read the label for that monolith size box of prunes, then you have a far bigger problem than either of us. However, can you do me a favor and get the George Bush out of my way. I swear, one of these days, I'm going to swipe one of the carts and go all Mad Max on it, and put some big spikey things on the front and some metal plating, and then we'll see what happens when Bubba feels the need to shop short in front of me just to get a sample of those cheese fritters.
But while we're talking about the samples. Those damn samples. They are just another damn traffic impediment. You have to dodge those things like you were playing Kaboom (two 2600 references in one essay, JT going old school this week skippy). They just pop into the flow of traffic like a speed bump on the Parkway. Some of those people I swear, they treat those samples like they were on the buffet line at the Sizzler. Jesus, why not strap the feedbag on before coming into town, Gomer. Come on, sir, do you really need another sample of granola cereal? Is it really that thirst quenching to have a shot glass of pomegranate juice? Please gather up your free treats and just move your fat butt to the giant rolls of Bounty and slosh yourself off from all of that free fried goodness.
This brings us to the products. I love looking into other people's carts. I want to know what are the top selling items at my local Costco, and from what I can gather, there are a lot of bomb shelters in my neighborhood. Moreover, I get the distinct feeling that most of the consumers in my Costco are thinking that it must be time to bunker down pretty darn soon. That has to be the only reason for someone to buy three packs of 200-count plastic knives, or a bag of 30 plums or a party bowl full of barbeque sauce. No, don't worry about it, that 40-piece platter of sushi won't go bad in your car.
Ok, I could go off on the products at Costco all night, but I will say this, one of the Costco's that I have been assigned to recently added booze. This I find to be a great improvement. However, may I be so bold as to suggest that they should go to the next step and allow, permit, and even encourage patrons to roll everything over to the garden lounge section and bust open a couple of those bottles of Mr. Boston vodka. Yes, indeed. This would be a fantastic upgrade. However, this is not, in fact, what they permit. Trust me, I tried, and almost lost my membership card, but that's a story for another day.
Oh, and here's another thing that pisses me off about Costco. The books and the DVD's. At one time, they were a pretty good deal, but now with the net, you can find most of their crap for about half the price. But, the thing that absolutely riles me up is the amount of evangelical crap they sell at this place. As if only Christian Conservatives need ten pound bags of brownie mix. I think not. Thank you very much, but I will take my 30-pound bag of hamburgers without a side-order of religious materials, and you can take your ninety books of the Left Behind series, and run them through the incredibly awesome but thoroughly impractical shredder that you have in isle five.
Once you're done filling your cart with more crap than the average third-world child sees in 6-months, you are ultimately pushed to the check out line. Now, I know in your mind's eye, you are seeing 20 to 30 check-out lines. They're there alright. However, whenever I've gone to Costco, there's been three open with a pushback about ten to twenty people at a time. This is when its time when that 6-book Richard Bachman set will come into play. I generally calculate that the formula is that you take the amount of time that you spent shopping, multiply it by the square root of pi, and divide it by the amount of gold necklaces that the checkout girl is wearing will get you the approximate time it will take to get you through the line. Of course, if she's wearing one of those nameplate necklaces, and the name plate is facing up so she can read it, you're totally screwed.
But then we get to my favorite part of Costco - the final solution. Yup, I absolutely love the guy or gal who's job it is to give you that final marker swipe on your receipt to permit you to return to civilized society. What exactly does this job require, counting? The ability to draw a straight line? Lord almighty, was the biggest day in these folks life the day that they were given the little blue vest? I mean, I can just see it, "Ma - I know I just served as the President of the United States, but now I know you're gonna be just super-proud of me - I'm a checker at Costco!"
As the "Dad" in our house, I look at going to Costco as my grandfather serving in World War II, and my father did serving in Korea. It is just something that the man of the house just has to buck up and do, and I've just got to strap on my fatigues and put the marker under my eyes, and suck it up for the good of the family. And if I just happen to come home with three new hardcovers, a box set of the Planet of the Apes movies, and a Time-Life series of Johnny Cash music, well, then that's just the spoils of war.
While my Sunday nights now belong to the 4400, part of me is forever going to miss my paisans from North Joisey. A few weeks later, and the final episode is still giving me things to think about.
This post from Bob Harris is perhaps the best explanation of what happened in the last episode. I'd prefer to think that life just went on after the last episode. The beauty of the last episode is that we'll never know for sure....hopefully.
The misconception that is of primary interest to me is that the statutory (read "mandatory") licensing fees are for ALL music "performed" on an internet radio channel. UNLESS there is a prior arrangement with the copyright owner of the music played.
The PodSafe music license is exactly that: a pre-arranged license that applies REGARDLESS of delivery mechanism. Streams, podcasts, downloads, even some physical distribution. All are covered after you join.
Any internet radio broadcaster can use any track from the library, for FREE, which contains over 40 thousand tracks, many from mainstream artists and labels who share our vision of a new architecture for the music and broadcast industries to benefit, together. The only requirement is that you report each play back to the network.
So I put out a call to my brothers in the streaming space, don't go "dark" on June 26th. It's obvious the RIAA doesn't give a shit about your use and promotion of their property. Instead, route around them, and support the thousands of artists and labels that are truly changing the industry.
For an example of great internet radio, check out this Channel I put together from a number of PodShow's top music shows. You can stream it in Real Player, Windows Media and even take it with you on your iPod!
Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer, but willing to fight this cause."
I am a lawyer, and also willing to fight the cause.
Don't let anyone kid you, the RIAA's recitation of the law is anything but well-settled fact. Jurisprudence always lags far behind new and exciting technologies, and in my experience no reasonable jurist would ever opine that the PMN license is anything but fair to all parties, and if the RIAA doesn't like it - then that's just tough. Of course, like anything else, we may have a long way to go before we get to this place, and the fight may only be in its infancy. However, this is a fight worth having and a fight worth winning. I hate to be overdramatic, but the alternative is unimaginable.
Once Podshow is done with its "Suck Less" campaign, may I be so bold as to suggest another advertising campaign - "This is why". We can get all different types of voices, from listeners saying why they listen to podcasts, to artists saying why podcasting works for them. If they ever asked me to participate in the campaign, I'd just read the boss' post from today, and say:
"My name is Jersey Todd, and this is exactly why I podcast."
I installed the De.lic.ious playtagger today, so you can go ahead and listen to the episodes right on the page by hitting the button next to the word "HERE". No more annoying auto-loading player, and no more wonky odeo player. Of course, you can still download the mp3, or even better subscribe with all of the options in the left hand column.
Hey Podshow, how about a personal mashboard or widget for my site to share my channels? (You know they love me, I'm such a nudge)
The law is a funny thing. It exists for various reasons. One is to codify the collective morality of people, in saying hey that's messed up, or hey that behavior is something that we don't want to have. It exists to protect people from behavior that we find abhorrent. The criminal justice system exists to punish who deviate from those accepted norms. But, every once in awhile, the punishment just doesn't fit the crime.
Take for example the case of Genarlow Wilson. In 2003, he was 17-years old. He went to a New Years Eve Party just outside of Atlanta. He met a girl, who was 15-years old. They engaged in consentual oral sex. As opposed to the type that Hugh Grant engages in, which involves Visa Reward Points. But under the peachy laws of the State of Georgia, Wilson was convicted of aggravated child molestation, and under the terms of that conviction was sentenced to a mandatory jail term of 10-years. He's already been in jail for two years. Think about it, he thought that night in 2003 that he was getting lucky, which was anything from the truth.
In fact, as a result of the attention that Wilson's case has gotten, including appeals by former President Carter, the Georgia legislator changed the law regarding consentual sex with a minor from a felony to a misdemeanor. Other misdemeanors in the State of Georgia include drinking alcohol from an open container, or driving without your seatbelt. In fact, according to a site I found called jamesfuqua.com, in Georgia, it is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia. Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp. My favorite, that in Pocataligo, GA, it is a It is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane. However, because the law was put into effect after Wilson went to jail, he's still sitting in a Georgia prison.
On Monday of this past week, a Superior Court Judge threw out the conviction on 8th Amendment grounds indicating that this was "Cruel and Unusual" punishment, and indicated that Wilson should get out with time served. However, the Attorney General, a white guy, named Thubert Baker filed an appeal claiming that the Superior Court Judge had no authority and that there were serious legal issues that needed to be cleared up first. But Wilson sits in jail. In fact, he's not even been allowed to post bond pending the appeal. Wilson has an extremely committed attorney, with an unfortunate name, B.J. Bernstein, and they have already been to the Georgia Supreme Court once, and I'd bet a dollar that they're going to have to go again. I even think there may be a lot of grounds to file a writ of habeaus corpus in the Federal Court. Nothing for nothing, I spent two years defending those things from N.J. inmates, and if ever one should be considered by the Federal Court, its Wilson's.
What burns me up, is that I don't really understand the rationale of the Prosecutors and Attorney General Baker. By all accounts, Wilson was a good kid, he was college bound, and not some sort of thug. Ok, fine, he was a 17-year old kid who got head from a minor, and I agree that we have to draw the line somewhere. But to put him in jail for a mandatory minimum sentence for ten years, when the people of Georgia have already changed the law is a complete abuse of power. It begs the question, what would have happened if a white kid were in the same situation? While mandatory minimum sentences sound great during election years, it is situations like this that show that every case has to be treated on its own merit, and the punishment has to fit the crime, and certainly any Judge would have been more qualified than a legislator to sentence Wilson appropriately. Compare and contrast this case with that of Chuck Bodine. Not to confuse you with NASCAR driver Todd Bodine. Crikey, did I just make a NASCAR reference, what the hell is going on with me lately. But anyway, Chuck Bodine, was a repairman for American Appliances in Denver. In June 2005, he stepped out of a truck and fell into a heap. He previously had an artificial hip, and somehow getting out of the truck had caused it to shift. He got medical treatment, which included a new hip, but his employer contested him getting workers compensation benefits because the company's lawyer cited an 81-year old precident called the "wooden leg" doctrine. Under this theory, workers' comp. benefits aren't provided to wooden legs because workers' comp. is for personal injuries and not personal property. Bodine lost his house, he moved in with his parents, his private medical insurance hounded him for repayment, all because of a really dumb argument put forth by his company's defense attorney. As Bodine told the Court, the hip isn't exactly something I can pop in and out. After two years of limping around with this case, the Colorado Court of Appeals finally came through, and allowed Bodine to collect his benefits.
I'm in Court every day. This is all I do. I'm an absolute geek for this stuff, and the weeks that you don't get a podcast are the weeks that I am knee deep in the slop of the legal world. I see bad arguments all the time. In fact, I'm a big believer in "if it ain't your case, shut your face" and there are days that I almost get TMJ from clenching my face so tight from getting involved in someone else's mess. The lesson that I learn from these cases is that too often lawyers work in the abstract, and occasionally completely lose their grip on reality. Sure, the prosecutors in Georgia have a very nice legal argument. Sure, the defense attorney in Colorado is tickled pink to have found a use for an 81-year old precident, and sure, I'd love to get every dollar imaginable for my clients that are injured at work, and it gets really difficult to see the forest for the trees. But, at the end of the day, attorneys and Judges have to realize that even though law school desensitizes you, we still are dealing with real people, and this includes delivery men that an insurance company wants to say that has a wooden hip, and a teenager who unfortunately got wood, and when attorneys and Judge's start engaging in academic self stimulation, situations arise that give rise to a billion lawyer jokes, and a complete lack of confidence in the legal system as a whole.
I'm happy for Bodine that he got his comp. benefits. It was the right decision. But, if you're listening to my show in Georgia, I think its time that the winds of change begin to be blown. I think that the decision by the Attorney General absolutely sucks. I think two years in jail for Genarlow Wilson is far more than sufficient, and actually exceeds what type of punishment should be given for a consentual act. Because, at the end of the day, the only head that matters in Georgia rests squarely on the shoulders of its jurists and attorneys, and its about time that one of them started to use it.
I went to the cd release party of Joe Colledge last night. His band was tight and the CD sounds great.He is headed on vacation for a while but expect a cd in a few weeks.
Anyway I met his wife , sister and parents. They were all so sweet. They told me they were hiking in Maine(?) and they got a call from their son to tell them he was played on the Jersey Todd show. They shared how excited he was and they actually listened to the podcast (there go the demographics). Just thought I'd share that with you.
Sure....go for it. I'm still so thrilled I was mentioned on the liner notes. He already has a publishing deal for some tracks for movies/tv shows. There is a (bad) pic of me in the photos section of his site too www.joecolledge.com
P.S. It was his Mom that told me the story.
Also between you and me the Dad approached me and said something to the effect "It is people like you that may help make my son's dream a reality"
I see a lot of stuff on the net, and most of it is pretty lame. But in light of the end of one of my all time favorite shows, I'd thought I'd share this with you.
I am a student of words. In fact, words are my stock and trade. I couldn't imagine my life without a deep passion for words. Words can build you up, and certainly knock you down. When I was a kid, words really bothered me - I took every word out of everyone's mouth literally and personally. Eventually, my grandmother told me that I need to let words just roll off of me like water on the back of a duck, and that works for me. Once in a while, words still bother me.
Three years ago, I first learned of podcasts. The first podcast that I listened to was C.C. Chapman's Accident Hash. I then got hooked on numerous other shows, including the Daily Source Code and Pacific Coast Hellway. After seven or eight months of listening to shows, I had the "eureka"" realization that I too, could be a podcaster.
C.C., Mark, and even Adam, all answered my emails regarding how to set up a show. They didn't know me. I was only a "mere listener." However, they all spent a ton of time with my questions, and after the show was born, provided me space and opportunity to help promote my show. I was ultimately offered a contract from Podshow, and nearly immediately accepted it. While I have my issues, I have not regretted it for a single day. Let's be more honest, I always have issues about something, whether it be work, home, or even a hobby like podcasting. However, these issues have never been deal breakers. I just like to complain - I'm good at it.
As Spring turns to Summer, it must be hunting season again, as the forest is once again full of Podshow hunters. I can't really understand it. Proving once again the theory that no good deed goes unpunished, Podshow is taking a great deal of abuse over a 60-second advertisement that they are placing at the top of its programming for a promotion for people to go to a web page to do surveys about Podshow's quality. The irony is that in an effort to "suck less", Podshow has opened the door for the renewal of every complaint that everyone has ever had, about every aspect of Podshow, and that's unfortunate.
Let me join in the chorus regarding the 60-second ad. It is indeed too long. It tends to be repetitive, and I don't like it. However, Podshow has already started to roll them back. Does this satisfy the masses? Of course not.
The quixotic enigma known as Comic Strip Blogger occasionally has some insightful comments on the Daily Source Code. More often than not, he is unjustifiably inflammatory. I certainly can't get a handle on whether his demeanor is nothing more than shtick, but he certainly can be entertaining. Nonetheless, he recently said that the only way that someone succeeds at Podshow is by becoming a "Podshow Whore", and this bothers me.
I'm a whore? I've been called a lot of things. Certainly, as a lawyer, over the years and at other jobs, I've represented clients that I did not like or believe in, but I strapped on my heels and my party dress and sashayed through the process of representing the undefendable position. However, I'm a whore in my personal life, too? I think not.
The biggest misperception of Podshow is that it is somehow it is a public entity. Podcasts should somehow flow like water and electric. Maybe it's because there is never been a true definition of what the "Revolution" that Podshow is promoting really is at its core. For most podcasters and listeners, including myself, the revolution is about sticking it to the RIAA and MPAA, and creating creative content that challenges the status quo. However, this definition of what podcasting can be is always going to be conflicted with the cold, hard, economic realities of maintaining a network, acquiring advertisers, and making a successful business model. Say it ain't so, Odeo.
Like any website tied to a business, its easy to poke holes. I have problems with Google. I have problems with myspace. I even have problems with msnbc.com and cnn.com sometimes. Maybe because podcasting has allowed the playing field to be flattened, i.e. that everyone's voice is equal that frustrates people. There are ton of suggestions on how to fix Podshow, many of them are right on the money, and hopefully the signal-to-noise ratio is low, and those suggestions are filtering through. It's a three year old company. Have you ever tried to talk to a three-year old? Now imagine a three-year old pumped up on venture capital like steroids, having had drank a couple of lattes and a box of chocolate cookies. That's what it's like sometimes dealing with Podshow. If you are patient, persistent, and occasionally annoying Podshow generally not only responds but will share some of their cookies with you. I never understand when I read that people have had problems getting in contact with a Podshow representative. Maybe, I've had good luck, but generally, if you push the "send" button often enough to enough people, eventually someone responds.
The second misperception of Podshow is really a fault of some of its early advertising. It is unlikely that very many people, including myself, are ever going to be able to "quit their day job" by podcasting. I hope I'm wrong; it's a beautiful fantasy. However, this set the bar way too high, too early. Can you make a nice supplemental income from podcasting? Can you get some name recognition, and maybe some bands to send you free music? Absolutely. For me, little gestures like these have meant far more, and have been more fun, than embarking on a second career.
I've been the "Musicologist"on the Daily Source Code now for about a year. I'm not quite sure how the position even evolved into what it is now. As best as I can recall, Adam was looking for music submissions for the show, and I sent a few. It slowly morphed into a regular thing, and I'm honored that Adam thinks that I have good taste in music. With his background, he certainly has had more exposure to the music industry than I will ever have. I still have never talked to Adam, but he's been more than gracious with his time and counsel with me. I even had back-and-forth emails with him in the hours prior to the birth of my daughter. As a listener of the show, it still amazes me to have developed that kind of relationship. At the end of the day, I am still just a fan. Maybe someday when he comes to New York, I can convince him to take the PATH train into Joisey for some paella in Newark's Ironbound section.
Beat up Podshow all you like, it's the only game in town. Maybe someday, market forces will provide Podshow with real competition. Someday maybe, Podshow, will be forced to update their timetables, update the PMN, or fix some of the controls on the Podshow page, or do some of the numerous housekeeping tasks that litter the blogosphere. I agree that many of them need to be done immediately to help further the art and attract new users. However, Podshow has done more in three years to advance and mainstream podcasting than anyone else, and I suspect will continue to do so. It is too simplistic to characterize Podshow as "evil" and let that be the end of discussion. Companies like Podshow do good and bad things, and people need to stop taking things so darn personally. I have literally gotten hundreds of bands to join the Podsafe Music Network. I have never promoted the Jersey Toddshow as part of my "Musicologist" segment. I have done both these things because podcasting is bigger than my show or myself, and rather than spending righteous fury criticizing Podshow, what have you done for podcasting lately that didn't benefit you personally? Those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, or take showers.
I have some really rewarding experiences, and made some life-long friends from all over the world as a result of podcasting, and from being affiliated with Podshow. I continue to make new friends and acquaintences every day. From a dark basement, I have been able to be part of a movement that hopefully has affected a lot of lives, and that is pretty inspring. I have certainly enjoyed appearing on the Daily Source Code and numerous other Podshow shows. However, I'm a fan of podcasts. I'd pretty much appear on anyone's show if they merely asked.
It may make me promiscuous, but I'm certainly not a whore.
May it please the Court. over my ten years as an attorney, I have had to represent some low down, despicable people. I have had to represent alleged rapists, drug dealers, drug users, fraud committers, and, even worse, local politicians. But never before in my career have I been asked to represent someone with a worse reputation than the client I bring before this esteemed jury. Ladies and Gentlemen, today, I am representing none other than Beezelbub, the Adversary, the Father of all Lies, the King of Babylon, the Power of Darkness, the Son of Perdition, Louis Cypher himself. Yes, today, friends I represent Satan, and I am proud to tell you that today, my client is 100% innocent of the allegations made against him.
Don't let his pitchfork fool you, deep down, the Devil plays by the Rules. Come on the Devil believes in fair play. Think about it, if you're one of those good people that follow the rules and avoid temptation, then you have as much to worry about my client as Britney Spears has a place at a Mensa meeting. Please, you stay on your side of the car and my client stays on his side. It's a fair deal, and trust me, the Devil knows the rules, and frankly cares about your well being. But today, the Devil has been accused of a very serious crime. Eva Marie Mauldin said Satan compelled her 19-year-old husband, Joshua Royce Mauldin, to microwave their daughter May 10 because the devil disapproved of Joshua's efforts to become a preacher
"Satan saw my husband as a threat. Satan attacked him because he saw (Joshua) as a threat," Eva Mauldin told Houston television station KHOU-TV. A Galveston County grand jury indicted Joshua Mauldin last week on child injury charges after hearing evidence that he placed his daughter in a motel microwave for 10 to 20 seconds. Eva Marie Mauldin, the girl's 20-year-old mother, told the television station that her husband is "not the monster people are making him out to be." "That was not my husband; my husband is a wonderful father," she said. "Satan was working through his weaknesses."He would never do anything to hurt her. He loves her," she said. "When she cries he is the one who comforts her. When she is sick, he is the one that takes her to the doctor." Joshua Mauldin faces a charge of injury to a child causing serious bodily harm, which carries a possible prison term of five to 99 years, as well as a fine of up to $10,000. Eva Mauldin has set up a MySpace page, "Joshua Mauldin is not a Monster," in hopes of defending her husband and making pleas for people to help her.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I will be nothing but honest with you. I can not find the myspace page for "Joshua Mauldin is not a Monster" because, frankly, my client, Satan was the programmer for the search engine for "My Space". (Satan Voice: Sorry). But, my client is not on trial for this, in fact, I don't know what allegations Mr. Maudlin would put on his myspace page. I do know that a crazy bird like Josha Maudlin is indeed one crazy mo-fo, and anything that he puts up on his myspace page must be considered incredible and lacking of any real substance. Indeed, 95% of what you find on myspace lacks any real substance, but that's another story.
I can tell you this, my client had nothing to do with putting this baby in the microwave, for one simple reason. Satan deals in evil, not stupidity.
Microwave Hot Pockets. Deliciously Evil. Microwave Kettle Corn. Crunchy Evil. Microwave Rice Bowls from Uncle Ben. Salty Evil. Babies in the Microwave. Not Evil. Babies in the Microwave � Cornbread stupidity.
Ladies and Gentlemen. My client, Satan, deals with big evil things, and has no time to micromanage little alleged evil like this. When I talk of big evil, I speak of Rosie O'Donnell or Whoopi Goldberg taking over for Bob Barker on the Price is Right, I speak of unjustified wars in Iraq, I speak of the RIAA, I speak of Google (which if you didn't know, the word google is actually ancient Aramaic. Really. Read your Bible people - Bubba 3:16, "And he came from the night with the ability to waste your time with meaningless searches and tall tales, and the people avoided their work and went hungry, and the people said who is this man, and he said, my name is - Google." Look it up people.)
Satan never considered Joshua Mauldin some sort of threat just because he was thinking of becoming a preacher. Heck, there's lots of preachers. No preachers aren't a threat to Satan, in fact, some preachers are actually on the farm club. No, Satan fears things that are good and pure, and innocent, and absent any evil intention. Yeah, I'll say it - Satan fears Podcasters.
Satan doesn't put babies in microwaves. Moronic Texans put babies in microwaves. Please Joshua Mauldin is not a Monster, well, if he isn't I don't know what is. Joshua Mauldin needs to take some personal responsibility here, because at the end of the day, Satan don't have time to podcast, and certainly doesn't have the time to show up in little Joshie Maudlin's earbuds. Jeez, if Satan did a podcast he wouldn't be talking about putting babies in microwaves, actually, it would kind of sound like diggnation. Oh come on, you know those guys sold their souls right around the time the first round of venture capital came through. Hey, and just for the record, Kevin - Alex - suntan lotion and barbeque sauce - that's all I'm gonna say.
Its easy for Maudlin to blame Satan. Sure, the big guy here carries a big pitchfork. He can take it. But he's misunderstood and maligned, and he can not allow for his reputation to be besmirched any further. Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I ask you to go back to that jury box, and ask yourself this - if my client, the Devil, had anything to do with this little girl being placed in a microwave, don't you think that she would have come out looking like a bag of Orville Redenbocker that's been put on ten minutes on high? Is this really the work of the Prince of Darkness or the Court Jester of the Trailer Park? Of course its not the work of the Devil, and I think when you've had a few minutes to talk about it, I think you'll agree with me that Lucifer has nothing to do with this. Thank you for your time.
[whispering] - Think they bought it?
Satan - that was great. Best money I could have spent on you.
Damn, I've got to get out of the practice of law - when's this quit your day job thing kick in, anyway.
It's a sad day to be an Australian. I can't believe that the Court's attitude is that since their punishment won't be a deterrent, that they should give a reduced penalty.
Another amazing comeback for Sly, for better or worse.
Jersey Todd is a happy camper, cause I got two shows out in a week. See what happens when I have a little bit of free time.....What a show we have for you today, including the dulcet sounds of:
and don't forget to get your domain names at GoDaddy.com and get some Tylenol PM
I am a big reader, and I have been ever since I was a little kid. I think I went right from See Jack Run, to see Spider-man thwack Doc Ock. I've talked about it on the show, but I remember being in Mrs. Buffett's kindergarten glass in Asher Holmes Elementary School in idyllic Marlboro, New Jersey, trying to explain to her that I read 'omnipotent' in a comic book. Frankly, a billion years later, I don't even think she knew what 'omnipotent' meant. Take your E-I-E-I-O and shove it, lady.
It was high school when I first read "Catcher in the Rye" by JD Salinger. JD Salinger, not JD from Scrubs, and certainly not the JD that I got from good ol' Route 202 U in Delaware. But anyway, I love this book. It is male teenage angst personified. It absolutely, perfectly captures and bottles that AJ Soprano moment in your life when you realize that a lot of the things that you looked up to and respected, really turned out to just be a crock of crap. If you never read it, the main character, Holden Caufield basically is standing on the precipice of adulthood, and characterizes so many adults, and especially those who are seeking materialistic things as "phonies."
I felt for Holden Caufield. I really did, and I related to him, not in a Mark David Chapman kind of way, but I really did, and I think I always will. To that extent, I think that every once in awhile, even though I am supposedly an adult, I still have my Holden Caufield moments. This is especially true when I see an icon of my youth turn out to be a complete phony.
The first movie I ever owned on video tape was Rocky. The movie that I watched while taking a break from studying was Rocky. Heck, there were a couple of days in law school, where studying took a back seat to a Rocky marathon. Come to think of it, I used to run to the soundtrack to Rocky III all the time. I really related to it on two levels, first the obvious story of the Rocky Balboa � the southpaw from South Philly who goes from punching meat to becoming the champion of the world. This is the quintessential underdog story. But, I also related to it on the adult level as well. Sylvester Stallone was a struggling artist, and out of nowhere, and a minimal budget, came out of nowhere to win 3-Oscars. Sylvester Stallone was inspirational to me. He also now appears to be a completely vain, dishonest, phony.
I've already told you my distaste for Mr. Stallone's pushing the last Rocky Movie toward the religious right. They had websites and everything explaining how Rocky could be used in secular curriculum and really it pushed me away as a fan. I told you about how I wasn't going to see Rocky 22.5, or whatever they had out, and I still haven't seen the movie. But that was a few months ago, and I thought that was it. In fact, in the history of the JTS, there has not been anyone that has deserved two essays for the similar offenses, but as Mr. T said: Sly, "I'm gonna bust you up."
This past week, Sly was charged charged with illegally importing performance and image enhancing drugs in a Sydney courtroom, according to the Sydney Morning Herald. According to Australian authorities, the 60-year-old action star, who did not appear in court, was caught at Sydney Airport with several vials of a steroid known as hGH (human growth hormone), during a random baggage check. Customs officials claim they found a total of 48 vials of the steroid after they raided Stallone's Sydney hotel room, limousine and private jet. Stallone will be required to enter a plea on April 24. If found guilty, he faces a maximum fine of $22,000 Austrailian.
According to steroid.com, "Bodybuilders may illicitly self-administer hGH to improve size and strength, usually by subcutaneous injection into the lower abdomen." HGH has also "become a popular but expensive medication prescribed in anti-aging therapies."
That's right kids, that patented Rocky comeback ability � that was nothing more than roid rage, and the chisled look didn't come from running up the steps of the Art Museum, it came from performance enhancing steroids. For some reason, I can accept that Barry Bonds and major league atheletes use steroids, but Rocky on roids just really burns me up, on so many levels.
At the most basic, here is a guy that portrays the image of hard work. I've gone to the gym for years (well, not recently, but I've got scuses. Send me a nano, and I'll think about it). Now Rocky was the guy that told you that at the very basic, you didn't need a fancy gym membership to get in shape, you could go out in the alleyway and chase a chicken. Speed, speed is what we need. How many times have I run up the stairs of a building and got to the top and put my hands in the air and waved it around like I just accomplished something. Actually, now that I'm turning into an old man during allergy season, running up the stairs, that is a big deal, but I digress.
You see, today, Rocky isn't in the back alley, chasing a chicken � nope, he's in that alley peddling roids, and that just makes me sad. But this bothers me on the personal level, too. You know, because of the relationship Sly and I have had for the last twenty years. Lets be honest, he's made some bad, bad movies, but you know he's also made some pretty darn good ones too. The best one that he's made in 20-years, Copland. Yeah, it's a bit long in parts, and a little bloated in the amount of "stars" involved, but what I loved about Sly in this movie is that he was willing to put on about 100-pounds to play the role of a small town New Jersey cop. I thought he did a great job, and while his performance was certainly not Oscar worthy, it really made me feel that this guy took his craft a little bit more seriously than he did in "Demolition Man".
But, I guess not. I'm not sixty-years old, and I certainly have a face made for podcasting, but I can't imagine being that vain. I can't imagine the need to break the law, I can't imagine the need to sacrifice my health and future just to look like a body builder. I mean seriously, this isn't some second string defensive end from Texas trying to make Varsity, this is a guy who has all the money in the world, and is taking steroids for maintenance? Give me a break.
Now I don't begrudge aging celebrities from getting some work done in an effort to save their "spot." However, botox, facelifts, and boob jobs � well, they're all legal, just ask Goldie Hawn. Jeez, she�s had more work on her than HUD housing. My god Goldie Hawn has had so much work on her that ever time she leaves her house that Ty guy from Extreme Makeover starts yelling, bus driver move that bus! But when you start importing illegal roids into another country you've pushed vanity up the list of the several deadly sins.
Speaking of movies, here's one that I can't see Stallone doing a remake of � Midnight Express Yeah, he brought 48 vials�.48 vials of steroids. I mean this guy had to know that this was illegal, he had to know that what he was doing was wrong, and you have to think that he knows that dropping 22K to get out of going to jail is the best friggin' money he could have spent. If it were Rocky's world, and not Sly's world, well Rock would be singing Dancing Matilda until after Barack's second term at the very least (see how I snuck that in there).
In thinking about my man Holden Caufield, its almost like he so badly wanted to maintain his childlike innocence. He wanted so bad to see the world as he wanted it to be, rather than the world that its is. He put on blinders to the world, and he knowingly made choices that ultimately kept him from living a full life. Slyvester Stallone � he's made choices too, and he's sacrificing his health and potentially his freedom for just one more round of fame and power. If that's not a "phony", I don't know who is.
This is just another thing, another shot to the head, just another shot to the body, and while its not the knock-out punch that would put Stallone out of our consciousness entirely, its clear he's losing on points. Sly has to know that fighting Father Time and Mother Nature is the one fight that he'll never win, and in regard to this fight, maybe Rocky needs to do the one thing he should have done Appollo Creed, because instead of loading up on roids, its time that Rocky throws in the towel.
For me, Paris Whitney Hilton has always been sort of a punch line. She's never really deserved her own essay. She's pretty much been the predicate of a sentence that starts out something like, the RIAA press people are bigger ho's than, well, Paris Hilton.
But she's finally worked her way up the celebrity dog pile to something that's in my neck of the woods. After being laid on more floors than Mr. Clean, Paris has finally been laid bare on the hard wood of the judicial system, but most importantly it appears that she is going to have to do some hard time.
Paris Hilton's original DUI charges alleging that on September 27, 2006 she was driving while under the influence, and while "under the combined influence of an alcoholic beverage and a drug. In January 2007 she subsequently pleaded no contest to reckless driving charges stemming from the incident. A judge sentenced her to 3 years of probation, mandatory attendance at an alcohol education program, and fines of $1,500.
On May 4, 2007, a judge sentenced Hilton to 45 days in jail for violating the terms of her probation. According to prosecutors, she failed to enroll in an alcohol education course by mid-April 2007, and was stopped for two more traffic violations, including driving with a suspended license.
Now what I find fascinating is the utter disregard that Paris Hilton has for the law. At the time of the sentencing, a prosecutor requested jail time, and her mother, the extremely maternal Hilda Van Starling Poofy Miffy Hilton (at least I think that was her name), actually had the balls to laugh out loud. Now, I have been to a billion sentencing hearings, and it is pretty safe to say that the only person that should be laughing is the stenographer when they realize how much money they should be making for the transcript.
It is this utter disregard of the law that got her into trouble in the first place. I mean what exactly was the Judge supposed to do? Celebrity aside, this is a young girl who clearly has a substance problem, and clearly has no idea what any kind of personal responsibility is, and what did she expect to happen that she was going to do, walk? Of course not.
But what really gets me riled up, is that there's an online Petition trying to get Guvnah Ahnold to actually pardon her. I'll put the link in the show notes, and the arguments here are just fascinating. The first argument is that she provides, hope and beauty to America's youth. Really? Does she? Which youth exactly are we talking about? Trust me, most inner city kids couldn't give a crap about some rich white girl. Hope? For what? Jeez, I hope in my next life I'll be reincarnated into someone that hasn't had to work a day in their life? Beauty? Really? Is she? Despite her preening, I don't look at Paris Hilton as beautiful, I look at her as a 26-year old child that's going to age very very badly. Oil of Olay up, baby, you're gonna need it in the next ten years.
The second point is that, well gee wilkers Governor, lots and lots of celebrities, like Tracey Morgan, Mel Gibson, Wynonna Judd, well they get stopped for DUI and they don't have to go to jail but Paris does. Well, say what you want about Wynonna (bloated), Mel Gibson (Nazi), and Tracey Morgan (oh man, I can't say anything bad about Tracey Morgan. Man, you so funny! Much love bro), but say what you want about these people, these were all first offenses. Lets put out a word that Paris Hilton can't begin to spell, recidivist. Malinger, and bulimic are also big words too, but the point being that this is a girl that is going to hurt someone if she does not immediately clean up her act, and hey, if it means hanging out in jail for a couple of weeks to scare her straight then as we say here in Joisey, she gotta go.
In the end, what I don't think that anyone really understands is that I don't think that anyone understands is that 45-days isn't some sort of number picked out of the air. The criminal system in California, like the Federal system, is very much based off guidelines. They pretty much take the discretion out of the Judge's hands. For the prosecutor in this case, this one was as smooth as a Larry Bird layup.
On Show Number 86, I made some comments that didn't go over very well with some people that use Linux. If you remember, there was a whole brouhaha over some stupid code that will let you copy DVD's and will let you play them on a linux computer. I still believe that you can't go around hacking things just because they don't work on your computer, if that's your main justification. From what I hear, that's really the main affirmative argument for this silly code. Then again, I can't get Blu-Ray discs to play on my toaster no matter how hard I push them in.
That being said, one listener, whose name you can find on the website that is of no relation to Gary Coleman or George Foster, told me that I lost him as a listener. He said, today's tirade and insulting comments towards the linux community have pushed you off my podcatcher playlist. Your insulting attitude and comments are exactly the same type of specious argument that the new media community needs to fight against, not embrace. You are one step away from being in the RIAA and MPAA's hip pocket." Another listener, no relation to Jim or Tammy Bakker, or economist Alan Keyes, wrote me and told me "Sorry Jersey Todd, but you're not getting it. It's not about "make copies of movies that you didn't pay for", it's about freedom to choose something else than Windows om my computer.Yeah, I'm a Linux user, go ahead make fun of me. I can handle it. Please realize that a lot of your listeners are Linux users." Ok lets break this down, guys. A specious argument. Lets talk about that. Of course, a specious argument is one by definition that looks good at first, but is really false. Well, thank you voice of god. Thank you oh voice of higher authority.. If there's anything I can't stand around here its speciousness. Thank you, thank you, for countering my specious argument with an even more specious argument. Its good when a bunch of guys can just sit around and just be specious with each other. I wouldn't want to think you were just throwing around a word because it sounded impressive. To say that I'm a step away from representing the RIAA and the MPAA, - dude, I'm a frigging podcaster. Everything I've done for the past two years have been about screwing around with their status quo. So for you to even imply that I would represent the RIAA with their really great pension plan, their impressive wood offices, their smoking hot secretaries, their good pay, and their gourmet cafeteria is just plain wrong. Even to imply that is just plain, specious.
Speaking of wanting to impress me. You use Linux, oooh. Impressive. Great. Good for you. I can't even figure out how to get my printer to work half the time. My computer is so old it comes with a tape deck. My computer is such a piece of crap, that I sometimes have to roll it down the hill just to get the thing started. My computer is such a piece of crap, that Nigerian spammers feel bad for me and are trying to buy me a new one. Thanks Mgumbu. You da man.
Some people collect Pokemon cards, you guys play around with Linux. Jeez, oh man, I mean if that's your hobby, great. Who am I to ruin your buzz. If you don't want to pay Microsoft or Apple, fantastic. If you want to use a word processor from 1982 because its free, great. Frankly, it blips up on my radar as often as, as often as, well never. Its an operating system. The good ol' OS. The backbone to the computer. Guys, as long as the lights come on, and the computer doesn't blow up I could be using software created by the Russian mob. It just doesn't matter to me. Its like debating whether I should be using a bic pen or a eraser mate. As the guys that I used to know from West Point used to say, it just doesn't matt-re.
Look, its beautiful if you use Linux. Its beautiful if you use Ubuntuu, whatever that is. Its beautiful if you want to be one of the small percentage of people that live in an alternate reality using an alternate computer system is just beautiful. But just because something is perceived to be beautiful doesn't mean that you can do whatever you want. You can't go around just ignoring the law, and if the law says not to do something and you go ahead and do it, you're going to have to suffer the consequences.
Ok, kids, lets get this out of the way shall we? Nascar. Pro-Wrestling, the "View", McDonalds, Dancing with the Stars, American Idol, Deal or no Deal, Britney's Crotch and Lindsey Lohan's alcoholic bullshit, and Rosie O'Donnell is a loud mouth crackpot that wouldn't have the credibility of an insane homeless person but for the fact that she waddled into a b-movie with Dan Ackroyd and can do a half-way decent Betty Rubble laugh.
Ok, good, I got that out of my system. This week I need to talk to you about something near and dear to my heart. I just needed to get the usual suspects out of my brain. The law. Now if you're a lawyer, you can put your Bruno Maligia shoes up on the desk, and take a puff off your stogie and just smirk through this one with me, because we need to talk. Now when I talk about the law, I don't mean the dusty old crap in the books. I mean the practice of law, the day to day in the trenches, mano e mano, headbutts and foreign objects are legal, just let me go home by six o'clock practice of law.
People come to my office all the time, and think that I can just wave my magic wand, and lets be honest, it is magic, and have everything quickly wrapped up in a nice little package before the end of the next commercial. I can't. All I can do is present your arguments in a way that makes some sort of sense. Sometimes, the situation is so bad before it hits my desk that I'm not sure sometimes if the people want a lawyer or a mortician.
The problem is very simple. People have too high an expectation of the law and what lawyers can do for them. The problem is that everyone, everyone thinks that they are right, which is absolutely impossible. The other problem is that everyone thinks that their claim, their injury, their lawsuit is the one that is the most pressing one since Bruno Hauptman stole Lindbergh's baby.
Take for example the case of Judge Roy L. Pearson Jr. of Washington. In 2005, he brought some suits to the dry cleaners of Mr. and Mrs. Chung that they worked with their son Soo. When he got them back, a pair of pants were missing. He requested more than the full price of the suit, $1000. But a week later, the Chung's found the pants and didn't want to give him the $1000. Rather than doing the right thing, the honorable thing, the judicious thing and taking the goddamn pants, Judge Pearson wanted to press the whole suit thing more and try to take the cleaners to the cleaners. Ok that's the worst bit of word play on this show ever, but you get my point. He sued.
The Chung's tried to settle. They offered $3000, then $4600 then $12000. But no, Judge Pearson demanded $15,000 because he calculated that he needed to rent a car for 10 years to go to another dry cleaner. I know ridiculous.
But here's where it gets even more bizarre. He is now requesting $65 million dollars because he thinks that the Washington consumer protection law imposes fines of $1500 per day, per violation. So dummy boy counted up 12-violations over 1200 days and multiplied by three defendants. I know ridiculous. He says that because the Chung's had a sign up that said "Satisfaction Guarunteed" that some how this equates to fraud.
This is a Judge we're talking about. Someone who apparently either knows the law well enough or knows the system well enough to get appointed to the black robe and the gavel. But rather than just suiting up and walking away, this imbecile thinks that he can ding Chueng's insurance for as much as he can get. The Cheung's, well, they're sick of it, and are moving back to Seoul after immigrating here, and setting up their own small business.
Their trial is set June 11, and you just know at the end of the day, Judge Pearson is never going to come close to $65 million. At best, a Washington Judge, or Judge Judy, or Judge Mathias, or my old cat named Judge is going to award him the price of his suit and get on with it.
But this is part of the epidemic in this country. People who think that the law is the income source of last resort, or maybe it's a place where they can publicly set out on a path of racist behavior under the auspices of the of the statues of justice. Either way, this guy not only should be disbarred and sent to live on an island with Richard Hatch.
But Pearson's not the only one who thinks that the law is only their for them, and only in the situations that they want it to apply. Here's a right turn for you; and if you're not a geeky person, then this one's gonna take some splainin' cause I'm not sure if even I understand the whole story.
This past week some techy person discovered some sort of hex code that when entered into a computer would allow the user to copy HD-DVD's. I'm not even sure what a hex code is. I thought it was something that the Scarlet Witch used to pop on bad guys in the old Avenger's comic. Regardless, the story got posted to digg.com, and Bert and Ernie, or Kevin and Alex, whatever their names are, for as much as I think that they are really some self-serving jerks, actually made the right call on this one. They took the articles with this hex code down. Not because they get sponsored by companies that are involved with this technology, though I think that's a part of it, but because they could get sued for having it on their web site, and if they did get sued they'd get banged good, which is what I guess they like (note to self: need to write more for Mark Yoshi Nemcoff, JTS having a little too much PCH flavor this week).
This is when all he-double-hockey sticks broke out. All the fans of Digg.com went bonkers. They posted the code in songs. They hid it in pictures. The code is in more people's hands than the Da Vinci Code on a beach in Aruba. Ultimately, Felix and Oscar gave up and just let everything go, and you can go over there and get the stupid string of code yourself. Here, I'll give it to you too. B5-I69-N2-G1.5-Omygoodness. Oh wait, that wasn't the code, but apparently I would have won if I played Bingo at the synagogue this week.
Now, to me, from my perspective and my world. I gotta commend Abbott and Costello. They should have tried to take the code down. They were absolutely right. The whole purpose of this code was so that you could screw over the DVD companies and make copies of movies that you didn't pay for. You know its wrong and I know its wrong. Go to Target and pay $20.00 for "Miss Congeniality II" like everyone else. Oh, and please, please don't tell me that the code is necessary to play HD-DVD's on a computer running Linux. Jesus, if you're watching your movies on a Linux computer, then you're one 8-sided die from busting through the space-time-geek continuum. Take the throttle back a few steps, Nimrod. It will be ok. Pull your hands away from the dual screen, ergonomic super computer, and go get some fresh air.
The law is pretty clear. If you didn't pay for something you can't steal it. This is exactly the kind of behavior that makes the entertainment industry want to screw with us even more. It's the exact example that they're going to use when they want to put more restrictions on your content. It's the reason why you can't play a song that you purchased on one computer on another computer. It's the reason why the RIAA is going to try to sue you're grandmother for making copies of her Perry Como albums.
But everyone knew the law. But they were greedy. Rather than just letting things go, people pushed as hard as a guy who wants $65 million dollars for a pair of lost pants. Now the code is as probably as effective Alec Baldwin looking at Kim Bassinger in Playboy.
In the end, as much as I want to help everyone that comes into my office. There are a lot of people that need the law, and a lot of people that the law can help. But, not everyone. Not everyone is entitled to get everything that they want out of life, be that million dollar trousers or free movies. The great British philosopher, Sir Mick Jagger said it best, "You can't always get what you want."
Paul Mecurio @ Rascals Comedy Club in Cherry Hill May 3-5 the Crown Plaza, 2349 Route 70 East, Cherry Hill NJ 08002 856-662-9200, www.rascalscomedyclub.com Show times: Thurs 8:30pm, Fri 8:30pm & 10:45pm, Sat 8:00pm & 10:30pm For more on Paul, check out www.paulmecurio.com for videos, audio clips and more and be friends at www.myspace.com/paulmecurio!
Before we start this week kids, I want to make something perfectly clear. I respect John McCain. Out of anyone currently running for president, he truly is one of the last great American heroes. He comes from a family that has served its country in some of its darkest hours. He is the son and grandson of Navy Admirals, and has sacrificed portions of his own life for the safety and betterment of the United States of America. If I were a Republican, in the 2000 election, I probably would have voted for John McCain. And while I understand that he is only 70-years old, John McCain has absolutely no chance of becoming President because he acts like my grandfather trying to set the VCR.
Do I think that John McCain is qualified to be President? I guess so. I mean whatever he is, he's an improvement over the office's current resident. It is literally too easy to give the, what crazy Joe Clark used to call, the HNIC a shot or two - oh please before you get all Rev.Al on me -I mean it as the "Head Nincompoop" in charge, what were you thinking? Special thanks to Roget;s thesauraus that provides synonyms for nincompoop as cretin, ding-dong, dip, goof, jerk, nerd, turkey and my personal favorite expletive for our president - schmuck - .see I knew I was on to something.
Do I think that John McCain is going to win in a general election. No way. Not today. Maybe ten years ago. Definitely, twenty years ago. Today, he's got as much chance as Barry Bonds breaking Hank Aaron's record without the 'roids. Because if we've seen anything during this Presidential version of American Idol, it is that the world has changed underneath John McCain's feet.
I certainly am calling this a Presidential marathon, because the next President doesn't get elected for another two years almost. Think about this, my daughter is 6-weeks old this week (yeah I know), but by the time that we elect another President, she'll be almost one-ninth eligble to vote herself! She'll be walking and talking somewhat, and drooling all over the place, kind of like the Head Nincompoop in Charge. Ok, fine, I'll admit it, I really like calling him that. By the way, I do want to tell you about this. As I was typing out this essay, Robyn wouldn't fall asleep. So, I have her literally propped up on my desk now with both of my hands underneath her, with her head resting on my forearm, and every time I get to the end of a line I kind of have to shoosh her back like I was using my grandparent's old Corona typewriter. But, shes cute.
But this election really has gotten away from the Senator from the desert. I mean if you asked me who was a front-runner when this thing all started, I would have easily told you that McCain was the Seabiscuit of this race, or is it Man-of-war, oh I don't know I really don't do horsey references.
But then things got all out of wack. For example, back in 2002, Senator McCain went bonkers, absolutely bonkers trying to ban betting on the NCAA men's basketball tournament. In fact, he introduced a bill to ban internet sports betting, and to curtail the use of credit cards to bet on games. I don't know who he was trying to appeal to - conservative tea totallers, suburban soccer moms, pissed off Wildcat fans who just lost their house on the team, and swore Martha, swore that they would never ever bet on basketball again. Fast forward to the new kinder, gentler McCain, because this past March you could have won a "McCain '08" fleece had you just filled out your brackets on McCain.com. Seriously, to paraphrase the great American philosopher, Rudy from Fat Albert, this guy is like school on Saturday, no class.
Now, I'm not saying that this is Gary Hart or Michael Dukakis in the tank, but it's a symptom. It's a symptom of the greater disease of kind of just saying whatever to be cool. If he were from Massachusetts, you'd have to call him a flip-flopper, or I guess since he's on the West Coast he's a flop-flipper. By the way, it took me 1.5 seconds to find an article about McCain's 2002 position regarding college basketball and another second to find an article about his 2007 tournament. In the lightening fast pace of politics, McCain doesn't realize that the electorate isn't waiting for the morning paper to find out information, and certainly doesn't need to run down to the crotchety-old library to research some minutia. Two-point five seconds is all it takes to lose someone's vote.
I'm not even sure that McCain understands the basic dynamic of television. Sure, he sometimes has that Bob Dole on Viagra scowl, but I'm not sure he gets how all of the packaging works. Fast forward to jut the beginning of April. Senator McCain went to Iraq, just for a leisurely stroll around Bagdad. Somehow, I don't think he was there to pick up a rug. What's fascinating about this, is that he gets there and blasts the media for not reporting how safe everything is there, but fails to tell you that he was given a contingent of 100-soldiers and a whole fighter contingent so he could have his morning constitutional with the Iraqi people. Don't even get me started about attacking the media in today's day and age, that's like Donald Trump attacking the makers of fine toupees everywhere. Give me a break, if I had that kind of protection walking around Bagdad, I'd feel comfortable tying a sack of cheeseburgers on my back and walking around fat camp.
But the latest one just blows my mind, let me play you the audio
That's right, boys and girls, now on the Unlabel from Podshow, you can get the best of the 2008 election right now, featuring such hits as:"And I Tehran, I ran so far away"; "Girls Just Wanna Have Fundamentalism"; "Shiite loves you, yeah yeah yeah"
"Daddy took her T-Kurd away"; "I fought Islamic Law, and the Law won and the Law won."
This concerned me on two levels. First that this guy actually had the wherewithal to come up with this lousy joke, and second, that this guy is still listening to the Beach Boys. Sorry, kids, I know I'm going to take some heat on this, but the Beach Boys should have been kept out of the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame like a surfin' Pete Rose the day that they allowed Uncle Jesse to play drums in the video for Kokomo. The dude keeps time like a clock during rolling blackouts.
But what does John McCain tell me, let me play it
"Lighten up and get a life." What exactly has he been lighting up? This isn't like we're making fun of Madge Weinstein in her polka-dotted, summer, knickers, he's making light of bombing Iran. You know, the folks with the nukes. "Lighten up and get a life." This isn't some guy who is just hanging out at the corner of 8th and Walnut, this is a United States Senator and Presidential candidate. "Lighten up and get a life" says to me that if you vote for me, that we'll have four more years of a President that would prefer if you and I just kept our mouth's shut, our wallets open, and our brains turned off. Lets face it, since September 11, 2001, giving a crap about the safety of my friends, relatives and neighbors, well that is indeed my life. I mean this is Iran we're talking about. Come to think about it, Mahmoud Amadininjad is 5'6, and McCain is roughly around 5'7 (give or take the platform pumps), maybe his position is going to be that our cranky little troll is gonna give a smack down to the Persian cranky little troll. So it was a bad joke, a stupid joke, an insensitive joke. His, not mine, I'm a podcaster, I can say what I want. But was it the type of joke that should get him fired, of course not. It was just passing speech, and I guess he just kind of forgot the microphone was on. Oh wait, that was some left over stuff that I had from Mr. Imus. Isn't it amazing that one joke gets a guy fired, and another joke gets you street cred with Ann Coulter. Oh wait, Ann Coulter was probably into the racist joke, too. The point is that McCain isn't getting it at all. I'm not saying that myspace pages or second life town meetings is going to be the answer for the person that gets elected to be our next president. But in dealing with new media, John McCain just comes off like the cowboy that he wants you to believe he is. Just riding the range, come hell or highwater, not caring about anyone's opinion but truth, justice, and the American way. This worked for me in 2000, but its not working now, because we already have a cowboy. The cowboy thing isnt working, and if we're going to get things back on track, we're going to need a President with a whole lot of nerd in them.
Kurt Vonnegut passed away this week. I have been a Vonnegut fan for a really long time. Breakfast of Champions, Slaughterhouse Five and Cats Cradle are probably three of my all time favorite books. So, you can't imagine how excited I was when I graduated from Syracuse University they told us that Mr. Vonnegut was going to be our commencement speaker. I couldn't have asked for a graduation present. On that day, Mr. Vonnegut taught us a lot of things, but something that he said will always stick with me for the rest of my life, he said that too often in our busy world, we miss the good things, we miss out on seeing things for what they are, we miss out on sunsets too often, and every once in awhile, we should just stop, take a breath, and say, "hey, isn't this nice?"
Mr. Vonnegut passed away this week, and in thinking about his legacy, and one of the main things that I think about is his battle against censorship, of any kind. Slaughterhouse five is an enigma, it is at once one of the most banned books in this country, and yet is one of the books that many teachers consider required reading.
I wonder what Mr. Vonnegut would think of Mr. Imus' situation. They both had a lot of similarities. They both are some craggly, old, pains in the butt. But they both love words. Unless you've been living under a rock, you know the whole story, I can't recall a more overanalyzed deal - but for the benefit of our foreign listeners, let me just run through it one time. Don Imus is a legendary radio personality. I used to listen to him on my little AM clock radio getting ready for school in like elementary school. I was a weird first grader, sue me. He always pushed the envelope of what you could get away with on the radio. I remember him going, 'hey baby, let me show you my donkey kong' and "hey baby, let me see your fuzzy peaches." I mean this was before Howard, before Opie and Anthony, and before Mark Yoshimoto Nemcoff. Yeah, I said it - he's on their level if not more so.
So this past week, he called the Rutgers Basketball team, in an attempt to be funny a bunch of "nappy headed ho's". Now I don't find this all too funny. I mean in the context of what he was saying in the comedic context, it was as funny as making a joke about Corey Lidle's piloting skills. See, it just doesn't work.
However, just as I respect the right of Mr. Imus to say whatever he wants, I also respect the right of others to say that this was offensive. Though I question the degree of some of the outrage - Tony Dungy, coach of the Colts, said "this incident has caused more pain to us than any other racially insensitive incident in our industry that I can remember."
Now Coach Dungy could be the subject of an entirely different essay, but the hyperbole from Reverends Sharpton and Jackson and even Barack Obama is the equivalent of using a bazooka to swat a fly. This is the most insensitive thing he can remember. Did he forget that this week was also the 60th anniversary of Jackie Robertson entering the major leagues? What kind of insensitivities did Jackie have to deal with? Those who don't follow history are doomed to repeat it.
However, this past week, the world exploded under Imus' feet. He was fired from MSNBC, and fired from his job on CBS, and has in some respects been labeled being more of a pariah than the kid wearing the ponchas pilate t-shirt at bible camp. He's apologized to the team, he's apologized to the fans, he's apologized to Coach Vivian Stringer. In an effort to fully disclose all of my bona fides in this discussion, I actually was the attorney that represented the people that sold Coach Stringer her house when she moved to New Jersey to take the job to become women's basketball coach. She and I spent a good two or three hours doing the closing together, and chatting about college basketball. I was in awe. She was an incredibly cool woman, and I could totally see why her players would break down walls for her. Of course, my clients were annoyed that I spent the whole time talking to her, but hey they were moving out of State - it wasn't like they were gonna send me any more work. However, Coach Stringer, on behalf of her players, is really the best spokesman and the only real person with standing to express their feelings. Reverend Al? Come on - the man behind Tawana Brawley? The man who refused to apologize to Stephen Bagonis after being found liable for defaming him? Reverend Jackson? I'm still waiting for my apology about hymie town.
I don't really know if nappy headed hos is offensive. I know what its like to be offended. I know that I got cross eyed stares when I went to school in Delaware and one of the sandwich shops had a "Jewish sandwich" To which, I asked whether it was made with real Jews. Maybe I'll never know as a white guy why that phrase is the nuclear bomb that it has been perceived to me. It's not a phrase that I ever use or would use. I just don't think a white guy calling a woman a "ho" in any context is that funny. When I write for Pacific Coast Hellway, it allows me to reach into that dark evil mean context of my soul and spew it all out there. Yeah, I'm not telling you which shows I contributed to, but the point is there is a dark humor side in me that shocks me but you know, I've never really used the word because it doesn't have any comedic value; its not shocking, its not controversial, it has no pizzaz - its just very lame sounding. Its not creative. Calling a female podcaster who's show I don't really care for "Golem", well that's got style. Nappy? I dunno. I mean it's just weak. Making fun of someone's hair? Giving Imus the benefit of the doubt, and considering the context of a comedy radio program, it was just a bad joke. I am shocked, shocked that nobody noticed this: the Rutgers' Women's Basketball Team are nicknamed the Scarlet Knights. Think about this for a second. For all of their feminist wiles, for all of their aversion to being called "ho's", they'd prefer to be manly men in tin cans. Yes, for all of the yelling and screaming about being demeaned as women, they were already being demeaned by the State University of New Jersey, who forced them to play under the moniker of masculinity. They aren't the oxymoronic Lady Knights. But in the context of the game of basketball, it didn't matter. The term "Knight" is just a word, and while "ho" is just a word, too. Its all about the context of where the words are spoke. Hey, my school's Women's basketball team was 9-20 and was called the Orange. Don't ask me to figure out why Central New York supports citrus so much. It must be the weather. Imus has said some offensive things over the years. Some things that are racist, some things that as a jewish guy, have offended me as anti-semetic. However, I also know that he's not an anti-semite or a racist; at least I don't think so. You know what I do when Imus pissed me off? I punished him. I turned him off. I understand that words hurt. It's what I do for a living. I understand. Trust me; I dropped some poor word choices over the years, too. Like the time that I went into Court and said to a defense attorney, "look what your carrier did to my client! Look what this injury did to him. He's a cripple!" Yeah, apparently, calling your own client a "cripple" really pushes the Defcom 5 button. But words heal, as well. The same mouth that uttered nappy headed hos also uttered the words that raised millions of dollars for kids of all different races and shame on MSNBC for not simulcasting his telethon. I guess preventing additional racist comments is more important than helping kids with cancer. It's all about priorities. Should Imus have been fired?
Certainly what he said is not illegal, complies with current FCC guidelines, and is protected 1 st Amendement speech. No, Imus was fired for business reasons. His employers were threatened by advertisers who were threatened by special interest groups. Follow the money. I can't say that I would buy a product if it was being shilled by an anti-semetic host, and I can see why an employer would fire a racist host just because its bad business. The problem is that, Don Imus isn't a racist, he isn't an anti-Semite. He's a crotchety old man that forgot that not everything out of his mouth is funny to everyone. I certainly can't believe that GM would sell less cars because they advertise on a radio program. GM sells less cars because they don't make great cars.
The other day, New Jersey Governor John Corzine was on the way to arbitrate an apology between Imus and the Rutgers team. Again, do I think we need the Governor of the State of New Jersey to get involved with this pressing issue of State business? Of course not. Why not appoint some Judges and lower property taxes instead? While on the way to the meeting, Governor Corzine's SUV was in an accident and was crushed against a guardrail. He suffered a bad break of his leg where the bone popped out, a fractured collarbone, 6 broken ribs and fractured vertebrae. He's going to need at least three surgeries. The lesson that he taught the Scarlet Knights that day was pretty simple. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but crashing into a guardrail without a seatbelt that's going to leave a mark.
In the end, I think people need to be accountable for their words. I think you have to examine the context of things. I think you have to look at a person's intent. I think the only response to bad words is more words and louder words. I think that if someone apologizes, you have to accept it. I think that a lot of people rushed to judgment regarding the Imus situation. I think if the title of a racist doesn't fit, you must acquit. I think that when you hear something that you think offends you, you have to take a deep breath, really think about the source, and maybe before you talk of marches and firing people; take ol' Vonnegut's advice and look at a sunset and say "isn't this nice?"
...and now for something completely different. On this episode, I interviewed Emmy winning comedian, former attorney, and all around good-guy, Paul Mecurio.
Paul took an interesting route to becoming a comedian, beginning his career on Wall Street as a mergers and acquisitions lawyer and moonlighting in the clubs. Now with an Emmy and Peabody award under his belt for his work as a writer and performer on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Paul regularly headlines comedy clubs across the country. He's had his own Comedy Central Presents half-hour special and has made numerous TV appearances including Late Night w/Conan O'Brien, The Late Show on CBS, Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn, Shorties Watching Shorties,VH1, CNN, and many others
The big joy of this show is that I get the opportunity to really think about things. Having to write a different essay once a week, really forces me to really look at the world around me and think about things. Without this forum, this space, I would probably go on like thousands and thousands of Americans and just allow the news to bombard me every day. Like most Americans, without this forum, I'd allow talking heads or voices in a box to tell me what to think, and I'd some how synthesize these opinions like one of those blizzards at Dairy Queen, and somehow maybe possibly come up with something that I think is my own opinion. However, this past week I saw an article that really hit close to home. In Morristown, New Jersey, which is not too far from where I am, the Mayor recently asked the Immigration and Customs Enforcement of the Federal Government to deputize 10 police officers so that they could charge individuals with immigrations violations which could ultimately lead to certain people being deported. Only 10-other law enforcement agencies participate in the program, which includes the Alabama and Florida State Police, and 8-correctional facilities. Morristown's Police Department would become one of the first in the country to grant limited federal powers on local police officers, and other municipalities are watching and the thought is that as Morristown goes, so will the rest of the country. My thought about this is, aren't we going a bit over the top here? I mean, I recognize that illegal immigration is a problem. It's a problem on a lot of different levels. I've represented people that were here illegally. For the most part, a lot of them would like to be here legally, and some of them don't really care one way or the other. Again, I know that's a problem. But there is one thing that they all know, that what they're doing is not appropriate. However, a lot of them have as many options for career advancement as Elizabeth Berkely after doing "Showgirls", which is to say - absolutely none. Like Showgirls, a lot of what is going on with illegal immigration is sheer fantasy. Just like a young drifter, named Nomi, couldn't arrive in Las Vegas to become a dancer and then after clawing and pushing her way to the top ends up being the top showgirl in the city of dreams, in the same fashion, a young drifter named Pablo can't arrive in New York City and after clawing and pushing his way to the top, is not going to end up being the CEO of Google. Generally, if you are listening to me on Sirius satellite radio or on your computer, you and I are not at risk of losing our jobs to illegal immigrants, unless your fantasy is one day to give it all up and deliver won-ton soup or mow the lawn wearing a asteroids ball cap and a Member's Only jacket. No, your job is pretty much safe. I'm not even in love with terminology. Nobody has a problem with illegal immigrants. I mean nobody is standing there with a clip board asking to look at Visas. No, if immigrant workers just faded into the sunset, nobody would have a problem. They have a problem with the perception that immigrant workers are taking all the jobs. But immigrants do pretty much all of the jobs that nobody wants to do. Even the lowest, night shift floor salesperson at Walmart, looks down upon the guy from Honduras that cleans the can after him. In fact, the national unemployment rate in this country for 2007 is approximately around 5%, which means that for every hundred people 5 people either are completely incompetent, stuck on the government dole, or just not willing to take a job that a guy or girl from another country almost died trying to get. For all of the talk and concern of out-sourcing of jobs, there should be an equal outrage about in-sourcing - the taking of jobs in our own country that American's don't want. You see, the problem really isn't with illegal immigrants. I think for the most part, they are coming here because it's a safe place, and a place where they can make a buck. I mean what is the greatest killer in this country- heart disease? Cancer? AIDS? If my options were to stay in one place and starve, or possibly get cancer from sitting too close to the TV, then I'm out of there quicker than you can say naked pictures of Dick Cheney on Podshow.com. Control-Alt-Delete! Control Alt-Delete. Jeez, just the mental image alone gives me the willies. No, like any problem, this problem is not one sided, and take a look at the words. The word that matters isn't illegal immigrants - its illegality in general. Yes, the immigrant workers who come here illegally know better. But you know who also knows better, the people that hire them, and this really is not talked about enough. For as much as an epidemic people claim illegal immigration is - illegal hiring is equally, if not more worse. In every town where there is a large immigrant population there has become a street corner, or a parking lot, or some general marshalling place where employers just drive up and pick up day workers like they were the local prostitutes. I'm sorry, the prostitutes actually have a more organized and safe employment procedure. But this can be for as little as a mom picking up a maid or baby sitter for a day, or a big business picking up laborers. This is wrong. I'm not saying that these workers are victims. Far from it. They're more like coconspirators in a process where these employers can get around paying taxes for these workers, get around providing them any benefits, and if, heaven forbid any one of them get hurt, can try to absolve themselves of any responsibility. I gotta admit, these people that hire illegal immigrant's really piss me off, because they set the clock of employment law back a hundred years. Hey maybe if we play around with the time machine even more we can get all the way back to slavery. In fact, the New York Times this week had a blurb of an editorial actually encouraging the creation of hiring zones as a way to control the tide of illegal immigration. Fine. That���¢�¯�¿�½�¯�¿�½s great, but lets take it even further. Rather than having these cops get trained in skills that would lead to people's deportation, lets have these cops actually enforce the laws that are on the books, and these are all the laws - not just the ones that we like. Let's have cops sitting at these hiring zones with a clip board, and a money box, so these so called lawful citizens can actually pay for the privilege of skirting various laws. Let's make it a serious criminal offense for an employer to hire illegal immigrants. Not just a ticket, but when an employer knowingly and willfully hires someone with the intention of going around the law, or paying taxes or insurance, then they are hurting all of us, and if that isn't something that shouldn't send a habitual offender to the cross-bar hotel, then I don't know what should. In the end, this is a touchy subject - I know, and there may not be any one answer. But what's going on right now isn't working, and for Morristown or any municipality or for that matter, any government official to not address both sides of the equation is as short sighted as Mr. Magoo in a Vaseline factory. Rather than attacking the immigrant workers, and making special programs to get rid of them, these politicians really should look at the causes of illegal immigration. And I dare, dare, any politician to make a better analogy than comparing illegal immigration to Showgirls. You can't do it, can you, Bucko?
Here's a statement that I bet you never saw coming: "I have a soft spot for prisons." Really, its true. No don't get the wrong idea. The worst thing that I ever did was ripping the tags off of my mattress and driving five miles over the speed limit occasionally. Actually, I'm lying but the statute of limitations hasn't run on that and I'd rather keep this story on the down low, if you get my drift.
However, for two years, I was a Deputy Attorney General for the State of New Jersey representing the Department of Corrections. I think its fair to say that it wasn't a position that I had chosen, and an assignment that I was very happy to see come to an end. But during that two year period, I was a good little soldier, and kept my head down, my Halliburton pen set at my side, and learned what it was like to be a prison lawyer. Oh not that kind, the kind that got to go home at the end of the day.
But, the whole concept of prison management, of prison life, of the butt side of the criminal justice system was, for the most part, a fascinating experience to learn about. That's why, when I hear about Sherriff Joe Arpaio from Maricopa County the hairs on the back of my head stand up like Britney Spears with a five-o'clock shadow on her dome.
Let me start with what I think prisons should be. Because the last thing that I want you to think is that I'm another screaming liberal with a bone to pick about every stinking issue. That's further from the truth. But like everything else, I can't stand being locked into one group or another. I'd like to think of myself as neither conservative or liberal. I'd like to think of myself as open minded. I'd like to think of myself as the starting right fielder for the New York Mets, but I don't think that's happening either.
Prisons are certainly about punishment. They are a model for deterrence, and at the same time for people to serve their penance, which is the root word for penitentiary. We forget that, prisons were originally a place for people to pay for their crimes, and having done so for the appropriate amount of time, the scales would be even. That being said, prisons are not a place where human rights are to be disrespected and not the local Costco to warehouse those with mental illnesses or a place where the hopeless and lawless. I'd like to think that in this country we can do better than just a warehouse.
My first experience with a prison was a juvenile detention center in Lima, Pa, outside of Philadelphia. I actually kind of dug the place, because, frankly they gave me a free lunch everytime I went and saw a client. As long as there was no glass in the salad dressing, and I politely said no to anything made with mayonnaise, it was a pretty good deal for me. I had just finished representing a kid for sexual assault, and it was like a week after the trial, and I had just proved that he had nothing to do with the situation, and he was released. The kid was in jail for a long time pending the trial. Well, less than a week later, he was back in jail on an accusation that he had dealt some drugs. When I went and saw him the next week, I asked him what was going on, he said, hey all my friends are here. The next week he called me worked up because someone had stolen his shoes. I said, hey man, there's all criminals in there.
The point is, I know jail is not supposed to be a friendly place. However, some of the stuff that Sherriff Arapio does in Arizona absolutely spins my head. He serves the inmates surplus food like green bologna and limits meals to twice a day. Ok, I get it, its not a luxury hotel. We don't want you to enjoy it. A tent city in hot Arizona heat. Uhmmm, I'm not loving that either, but ok, I guess. He has gotten rid of cigarettes and coffee. Mean. Cruel to get rid of the coffee, but I'm seeing that too. Making inmates wear pink underwear: just a tad perverted. Chain-gangs for women and juveniles, uhm wait a second. Mandatory English classes: woah woah woah. Lets put it this way for all the good that he says he does Amnesty International has given a big thumbs down to Sheriff Arapio's prison.
In representing the New Jersey prisons, I learned something interesting, that the Supreme Court has pretty much given prison superintendents pretty far leeway in the running of their prisons. Basically, you can get away with a lot of things as long as you can show that it benefits the security of the prison, and Sheriff Arapio has pushed this further than Rosie ODonnell's belt buckle, and his answers are amazing. The tent city, well that's because of over crowding. The pink underwear, well that is because pink has a calming effect and hey nobody is going to steal them from the jail.
Alot of what Sherriff Joe tells the public and the Court seems like it has a legal and permissible end, and I doubt that the Courts ever would knock it down as the presumption is that what he's doing is fine. But lets be honest, a lot of it is a lot of bullying. The pink underwear thing isn't exactly subtle, either. Lets be honest, it is an attack on the machismo on these inmates, and no-so-subtle attack on homosexuality. The speaking English thing, in the jail, is a not-so-subtle, near racist and xenophobic exercise. The chain gangs for women and juvenile offenders, no matter what excuse he comes up with �¢ that's just plain wrong. And for all the good that that he says that he does, Sherriff Arapaio has cost the people of Maricopa County, 13.7 million in settlements.
The latest from Sheriff Arapio is a scream. He's holding a contest in his jail, where hes having "Prison Idle" based off American Idol. Now he claims that it benefits the morale of the prison to have a con-test to have these inmates sing sing for their supper. Ok those puns were probably a 3rd degree misdemeanor offense in Arizona, but the point is this really bothers me, and certainly I'm not going to make the mistake of continuing the analogy between inmates and actors, because I'm sure your not going to want to hear that: long term contracts, a lot of time near bars, silver bracelets, drinking bad hootch made from toilet water, dried prunes and urine left underneath a bunk for a month oh wait that's just Bobby Brown. He's even gotten Alice Cooper to be one of the Judges. While Alice Cooper was scary in the seventies, somehow, I can't imagine that I guy that once sang no more mister nice guy, is going to be anything less than a nice guy when he tells bubba that his version of ain't no mountain high enough didn't suck. While the Sherrif claims that this contest is voluntary, clearly its not. When you have an option of eating green bologna and working in the Arizona heat, or going inside to sing and hope to get a chance at a hamburger, this is as coerced as a confession in Ulster in the eighties. Oooh, my little controversial meter just went off, but I think you get my point.
This is grandstanding. This is demagoguery. This is just another publicity stunt meant to get us to keep Arapio's name in the media. Maybe I'm doing a disservice from mentioning this at all, but at the end of the day, if he really wanted to do real law enforcement, if he wanted to make sure that these people never came back to jail, then he should force them to watch back to back episodes of American Idol, Clockwork Orange style. Or, in the extreme cases, he could make the inmates see naked pictures of Randy, Simon and Paula. Yuck. Talk about the potential to scare someone straight.
As a red blooded American male, there is one thing that I know about -breasts. Knockers, Hooters, Bazooms, Melons, I have been trained from an early age about the social life of the biggest and best this country has to offer. Everywhere I look things remind me of boobs - a pair of watermelons in the store, simple things like endangered animals, like the "titmouse" or even my favorite chewing gum, "Boobalicious" It seems in this culture, we are surrounded by more knockers than the doorbell section at Home Depot.
But as I said, this is the fun side of fun bags. There is a professional side of puppies, as well, and this is the side that we don't really talk about that often - the business end, and we don't really talk about them until we have a baby, and far be it for me to take a very personal point of my life, and my wife's life and expose it for personal use. Ouch Ouch ok, don't twist my arm, just this once.
As you know, we just had a baby. As I previously told you, she is healthy, happy, and well - very, very hungry. If you don't have any kids, or even if you do, you may have blocked this part of your memory out. But every 180-minutes, the newest diva of the casa de Toddshow needs to be fed. That's right, watch the Godfather, and add nine-minutes, and you're looking at yet another buffet at boob-town. But rather than expose you to any more of the gory details, what I did want to talk to you about today is the absolute zeal of the pro-breast feeding lobby, and ask you the rhetorical question, has their cups runeth over?
Twice before my daughter was born, and once after we were visited by what I've come to learn were "lactation consultants." Now I don't really know their qualifications other than the fact that they had white coats. I doubt that they were doctors, and simply had a certificate in lactology from our local community college where they took night classes. But, hey, they had a white coat, so as such we were obligated to listen, and some of the stuff they said blew me away. Most of what they told us had to do with how incredibly beneficial it was to the baby if she exclusively breast fed. No supplementation, no stored breast milk, no the best and right way to do it was fresh from the tap, good old fashioned boob juice.
Now I am not going to deny anyone that breast feeding is a natural, beautiful, helpful, economic, way for mothers to feed their newborns. I support a woman's right to choose whether to breast feed in public, so long as they are discreet and aren't doing it on line at Haagen Daas. What I do have a problem with is their claims that breast feeding is the universal cure all that its all cracked up to be. In fact, in 2006, the New York Times published an article entitled, "Breast Feed or Else." However, it really appears to be a lot of what they are saying is a great big diaper full of poopy.
The scare tactics are phenomenal. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, breastfeeding leads to a 21 percent decrease in the death rate of babies in an age range over one month and under one-year old. But turn to the AAP's source. According to a George Mason University study from 2006, the scientific study used to support this claim found that babies who are nursed are less likely to die of injuries! Jeez, oh man, I haven't seen fraudulent representation of numbers since I watched FOX news. It is absolutely impossible to explain away this kind of sloppy science by what is intended to be a credible organization, and I agree with the authors of the study that I simply can not believe that the AAP is recommending that exhausted, tired, guilt-ridden, and otherwise strung out mothers nurse because otherwise, their child might end up falling off a table. Come on, be serious.
Here is another one, that breast fed babies are smarter. In fact, in 1996, a study came out from a medical school in New Zealand that followed breast fed babies for 18 years and found that the longer they breast fed, the better they did on tests. Oh give me a break, who are you kidding. The truth of the matter is that parents that breast feed are more likely than not very very committed to their kids education, and whether the kid does better in school than a non-breast fed kid has as much to do with what's going on in the kid's home life than what went on inside of mom's sweater. Moreover, once again, we have a mom-centric study that completely undervalues any contribution from the child's father, who, at the very least needs to be given my credit than just his initial deposit to get the ball rolling.
This has been one of my biggest gripes in the whole pregnancy process. The absolute ignoring of fathers. I literally was stepped on and kicked in the hospital when I slept on the floor by my wife's bed. The hospital didn't offer to bring me food, even though I was in the room just as long as the patient, and when it came to discussions of breast feeding, I was the last person who's opinion counted. I understand that there is a significant benefit of having a child and a mother breast feeding, but what is clearly underreported, and under researched is the benefit of bottle feeding by fathers on their children.
Lets talk about the negatives of breast feeding, shall we? What's nice, is as a testosterone filled man, I've already got the respect of the breast is best lobby as Howard Stern at a meeting of Christian conservatives, but at least let me make my points. First, lets be clear breast feeding is not always healthy for the child. It can transmit diseases like HIV, and herpes. Also, it can transmit the affects of medication, like Paxil. So great, youll end up with a child with less ear infections, but addicted to anti-depressants. Second, for all of the supposed health benefits of breast feeding, the studies don't take into any consideration any environmental factors. How many breast fed babies now live in houses underneath power lines? How many breast fed babies have parents that feed them cheeseburgers? How many breast fed babies have parents that vote Republican? Ok, that was cheap, but the fact of the matter is that the health and well being of a child comes just as much from parenting as it does from any chemical, natural or formula that you put into your kid. Third, some women like Brooke Shields, or, ahem, Britney Spears suffer from post-partum depression. I'm with ya Britney. I'm sure the alcoholism is just a side-effect, whatever, baby. Call me. But my point is, you have an extremely stressful situation, the birth of a newborn, which is an extremely emotionally and physically draining situation, and these lactation experts are going to add the extra burden onto a mother of what's mommy brewing or not percolating for lunch. Forgetaboutit. In fact, it would be easy peezie, lemon squeezy for me to make the argument that breast feeding in some cases can exacerbate post partum depression. Of course, I'm not a doctor, but I just kick the crap out of them on cross-examination.
But my final point is this, where does this all come from? We are in a society now that pushes parents from day one of their child's life. Every waking and sleeping moment, needs to be based on getting your kid into Haahvard, or becoming a doctor or a lawyer, and you get that nasty look on people's faces when you tell them that, "No, I'm not going to do flash cards for my two-year old or send them to Montessori school." Lets be clear, there has not once ever been a bad parent that was a bad parent simply because she chose to give her child formula. No child has succeeded or has been healthy simply and soley because they were breast fed, and no parent should feel otherwise. However, not forcing your kid to listen to each and every episode of the Jersey Toddshow, that is bad parenting, but you already knew that.
It was on the cover of the March 5, 2007 issue of New York magazine that a close-up of Rudolph Giuliani's smiling face appeared. Superimposed was a one-word question: HIM? The caption read, "What America Sees In Rudy: The Weirdness of the Giuliani juggernaut." Few things infuriate me more at the moment than the idea of Rudy running as a presidential candidate. I live in Mount Vernon, New York, about a half hour train ride north from New York City. While the rest of America stands in awe of a man who put on a brave face during Gotham's darkest hour, I still live with the memories of the pre-9/11 Giuliani. And not one of them is pleasant.
It sounds like a horrible thing to say, but 9/11 was the best thing that ever happened to him. He was visible when the commander-in-chief wasn't, and that alone elevated Giuliani to a status of not only New York's Mayor, but America's mayor. It is arguably the only reason why he is being looked at as a serious contender for the White House's main seat. But I remember the Rudy from September 10th, and he had a Napoleon complex like you wouldn't believe. So I suppose his current quest for the ultimate high chair shouldn't surprise me.Travel back in time with me to his handling of two incidents of police brutality that the home of the brave has largely written off. As for me, they're forever burned into my memory. February 1999: Amadou Diallo, an African immigrant, was gunned down in a hallway by four cops, shot at 41 times when they mistook his wallet for a gun. The cops were acquitted the following year. Wanna know how much some people can't stand the truth? Even the beloved "Boss" Bruce Springsteen caught it bad from New York city cops and Giuliani for daring to perform his song "American Skin" at Madison Square Garden, a song which references the Diallo incident, repeating the phrase "41 shots."
In the wake of the shooting, Giuliani ordered black talon bullets for the NYPD as a preventive measure. The bullet was known to be more lethal, to explode upon contact, and able to take down someone faster. Since a person would fall faster upon being hit by these bullets, there would be less reason to keep shooting. This was Rudy's rationale. Let's read into that a little further: it wasn't necessarily the fault of the cops for shooting at an unarmed man 41 times. If only Diallo had fallen faster, ¦now there's an interesting spin on things. Are you starting to see why I can't allow this man to be President? This was not the first time that Giuliani would come out in strong vocal defense of his police squad. Anybody remember the name Patrick Dorismond? (You get bonus points if you do.) He was a security guard that was shot to death by plainclothes police in March of 2000, only one month after the acquittal of the four cops from the Diallo trial. Undercover cops were performing a drug crackdown and one of them approached Dorismond outside of a bar, asking to buy drugs, which he was not in possession of. Cops say he became belligerent after that, but I would too if someone assumed that I had drugs in my possession due to my race or my age. They say a detective's gun went off after Dorismond lunged for it. Eyewitnesses on the scene say differently. The end result was the same: a 26-year old unarmed brother dead at the hands of police. And he wanted to be a cop someday. Before Dorismond's body was cold, Giuliani ordered the unsealing of his juvenile records, using these to make the claim that he was "not an altar boy." This was a charge that a judge had long since dropped, occurring when Dorismond was 13 years old. Despite the fact that the detective who shot Dorismond had a blemished record, Giuliani never made mention of it, instead heaping praise upon the officer for doing his part in keeping the community safe. Beyond that, he also pointed out that Dorismond was in a domestic dispute with his girlfriend a week before the incident, building a case of what Giuliani considered to be a history of violent behavior.
With the Sean Bell shooting trial coming to a close, in which cops shot at an unarmed black man 50 times last November, killing him the night before his wedding day, the cases of Diallo and Dorismond were already weighing heavy on my mind. Talks of Rudy as national martyr and presidential hopeful aren't helping matters much. A brief side note: if you ever want to know what black life is truly worth in America, it's easy to figure out - just count the shell cases.
But back to our thug in hero's clothing. Remember me saying something earlier about his Napoleon complex? Whenever I see press photos of Rudy and Judi loving it up in front of the camera, I can't help but think of Donna Hanover, an accomplished reporter and anchorwoman, as well as Rudy's better half before Judi came on the scene. Every American that points to Giuliani as an example of a real hero may want to ask themselves something: do real heroes inform their wives that they are divorcing them via press conference? To this day, I still can't get over that. I was talking about this with my wife the other day, asking her how does someone do that? How does a man tell the mother of his children that they're getting a divorce not to her face, but by way of a press conference? Wifey didn't mince words: "He was married to a powerful woman, and that scared him to death." A valid point. Now might be a good time to recall the image of the high chair. If this is how he handled business at home (business which should have stayed behind closed doors to begin with), who's to say he won't handle domestic policy the same way in the White House? Never mind foreign policy, because the same people who gaze at him transfixed as he talks about September 11th will eventually have to acknowledge the fact that Giuliani HAS no foreign policy experience. Just memories, vivid images, pathos, speculation, and prepared chunks of patriotism to pluck at the heartstrings of middle America, ready to be spun any way he sees fit.
9/11 ultimately made him who he is now, but I would hope that between now and next November, the Giuliani from September 10th will become known to those planning to cast their votes. But seeing as how I don't trust people's better judgment, and being the occasional pessimist and part-time conspiracy theorist that I am, allow me to propose a hypothetical scenario. Should another stateside terrorist attack occur shortly before the 2008 elections, all eyes could be on one man when the smoke clears. Go ahead - guess who. Wisdom tends to go out the window when feelings are running high, and people voting with their hearts and not their heads is not unheard of. Should that happen, we are all in serious, serious trouble. Because if you think that Bush the sequel has the whole arrogant figurehead thing on lock, think again. Believe me, I know. I remember. And I'm not letting that happen to the nation at large.
uhm On March 8, 2007, we're having a baby. It's crazy...I know. On the show tonight, we're gonna keep the anticipation coming, with some great tunes, from bands including:
This week on the Jersey Toddshow, we're gonna try something different. I've got three different things that I want to talk to you about, and I know you can't see this....hell its podcasting....but what I've done is taken this old wheel and put three different topics on it; let me give you my three thesis statements:
Anne Coulter called John Edwards a really offensive name regarding his sexuality. Does this mean I can call Mitt Romney a catcher
The Secret of Stealing your Money.
Alyssa Milano sues people to take down pictures of her naked. A rant designed to increase google searches.
Lets give this thing a spin....well, it looks like we're talking tonight about the Secret.
If one were to run over to Amazon.com, they'd see that the Number 2 title being sold, right behind the new Harry Potter book, which I think is called Harry Potter and the Revealing of the Sphincter is a book called "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne from Australia, and I think Number 2 is a really appropriate place for a book like this, because it's a big pile of steaming Cheney.
This book has been made into a DVD, its been endorsed by Oprah, its sold 1.75 million copies and the basic theory is the "Law of Attraction" which has absolutely zero credibility, and basically, you can get whatever you want: Money, relationships, success, just by visualizing it and letting the "power of positive thinking" just take off.
Let me read you the blurb about it:
"Fragments of a Great Secret have been found in the oral traditions, in literature, in religions and philosophies throughout the centuries. For the first time, all the pieces of The Secret come together in an incredible revelation that will be life-transforming for all who experience it. In this book, you'll learn how to use The Secret in every aspect of your life -- money, health, relationships, happiness, and in every interaction you have in the world. You'll begin to understand the hidden, untapped power that's within you, and this revelation can bring joy to every aspect of your life.
The Secret contains wisdom from modern-day teachers -- men and women who have used it to achieve health, wealth, and happiness. By applying the knowledge of The Secret, they bring to light compelling stories of eradicating disease, acquiring massive wealth, overcoming obstacles, and achieving what many would regard as impossible."
Let me say this, "The Secret" is the same old, snake-oil, humbugged, ape-repellant, false-promise, false-idol, delusional, deceitful crap that we see time and time again from the new-age community, but this one is as new as dinosaur crap. This one really takes the cake. I mean check this quote out from around halfway though the book
"The most common thought that people hold, and I held it too, is that food was responsible for my weight gain. That is a belief that does not serve you, and in my mind now it is complete balderdash! Food is not responsible for putting on weight. It is your *thought* that food is responsible for putting on weight that actually has food put on weight....IF YOU SEE PEOPLE WHO ARE OVERWEIGHT, DO NOT OBSERVE THEM, BUT IMMEDIATELY SWITCH YOUR MIND TO THE PICTURE OF YOU IN YOUR PERFECT BODY AND FEEL IT" (caps mine for emphasis).
That's right, you supposed to visualize your self fighting into those old jeans again, and just wait for the pounds to come shedding off. However, Ms. Byrne ups the ante by telling you that when you see a fat person that you should immediately hide your eyes! Hide your eyes! You certainly wouldn't want anybody to take you off your mental image of where you want to be.
Let me give you another excerpt, "This is really fun. It's like having the Universe as your catalogue. You flip through it and say, `I'd like to have this experience and I'd like to have that product and I'd like to have a person like that.' It is You placing your order with the Universe. It's really that easy." - Dr. Joe Vitale
Now, I don't know Dr. Joe Vitale, I would have to think that he's got the same doctorate of bracketology that Dick Vitale has, because, no...You can not simply visualize things and have them appear on your doorstep like the nightly delivery from Fed Ex.
Maybe it's the state of the country, maybe it's the state of the world, maybe people have just flat out lost hope. They've lost hope in their ability to succeed, they're ability to find happiness, and the ability to see good things in the future, but a book like "The Secret" doesn't help anyone. In fact, it probably hurts more than it helps, because rather than telling people to get off their ass, and work harder towards the things they want, it says the opposite. You don't need an education. You don't need any skills, and you don't need anything to get what you want. You can just sit on the couch and rub your personal genie and wait for the vibrations, or the crystals, or magic potions to work their way through the cosmic ether for things to happen. Jeez oh man, you'd have better luck using the Force. Help me Obi Wan, you're my only hope.
Speaking of the state of the Country, maybe President Bush got an advance copy of the Secret. Maybe if he visualized nuclear bombs in Iraq, there would actually be nuclear bombs in Iraq. Maybe if he visualized an accomplished mission, there actually would be a mission accomplished. Ah, strike that, Bush didn't read this book, there isn't anything in it about his pet goat.
I mean where are we going with this? When bad things happen to people, is it because they are practicing the Power of Negative Thinking? Deep down, a homeless person really really wanted to be a homeless person, and deep down, a severely injured person really really wanted to be injured. Of course not.
This book is the worst kind of terror known. It preys on people's weaknesses. It tells people that the only key to true happiness is a lot of money, a killer bod, and maybe a shaved head and some tattoos. Call me Britney, we need to talk. I mean, jeez, I've seen brainwashing cults that provide more motivation. This whole "ask, believe, receive" philosophy is "hope porn". It takes over the hearts and minds of individuals who are just unwilling to take any personal responsibility for their own actions, and would rather just be told what to do, without any independent thought, which explains why this book is doing so well with morons. The phrase, "if its too good to be true, then it probably is comes to mind", and while you certainly have nothing to lose by trying the ideas in this book, actually you would lose $15.00 plus shipping and handling, and maybe this is "The Secret" that JT's gonna share with you, no matter what you want in life, relationship, money, success, you're gonna have to bust your ass for it, and trust me, Rhonda Byrne didn't just visualize her book she sat at her desk and pooped it out.
Passing on this piece of crap, certainly that's no secret, and with that $15.00 dollars you could go sign on a website to see Alyssa Milano's boobs, could actually buy the book and visualize dropping a piano on Anne Coulter, or you could go over to Go Daddy and purchase two domain names with the Code Jersey1. Tes I am visualizing you buying a domain name....oooooh.....spooky, right? The power of the mind!
The Baby is coming on March 8, 2007. So, things are a bit crazed here at the JTS. But that doesn't stop us from playing some kick-ass music, including:
Back when Anna Nicole Smith appeared before the Supreme Court, I felt that the only reason that the Court was entertaining her case was not for her celebrity or her boobs, but because of the large amount of money involved, and the Federal jurisdictional questions that the Court needed to rule upon. Now that she has gone to the great reality show in the sky, and with no disrespect to the dead intended, I still am not convinced that I would have even heard of her despite her celebrity and, of course, her boobs.
However, now that she is ingrained in the popular culture mythology like a trailer-park Marylyn Monroe, her story has been, and will continue to be fascinating. Over the past week or so, we have been all mesmerized by the Court hearings regarding the disposition of her body. Which is a really cold and unfeeling way to say, where are we provide another worm buffet. Actually, the worms are probably gonna get a contact buzz off of her. Actually, come to think of it - disposition of her body is probably less cold, but you get my drift.
I will admit that the first time that I saw Judge Larry Seidlin, I had a nightmare. Really. True story. I was absolutely amazed that here was a sitting Judge conducting a conference that was one part roller-derby, one part jeopardy on crack, and one-part Wrestlemania. I mean this guy was outrageous. He was over the top. This was like a Judge that I had never seen before. He gave everyone in the room nicknames, like "Texas" or "California" or "Mama". He called the body of Anna Nicole his "Baby". He would cut people off. He wouldn't allow lawyers to finish a sentence. He'd break down crying at important parts. I mean when watching Judge Larry, I had to wonder if Judge Moe and Judge Curly weren't right down the hall. "Quash a subpoena, oooh a wiseguy, eh? Woop. Woop. Woop."
But anyway, I had this dream that I was representing a party before him, and everyone was moving at double-speed, like they had some sort of double caffeinated chai latte grande espresso drink with a shot of cuervo and I had nothing to say, and it completely freaked me out. Really. That was the dream, which of course, is much better than the one that I'm always having which involves Fred Flintsone speaking German to Toucan Sam, which is really weird considering that I don't speak German, but I really do like Fruit Loops.
This being said, the saga of the corpus of Anna Nicole Smith has now been completed, and we now have an opportunity to conduct a post-mortem on the body of work that was that of Judge Larry Seidlin. What has absolutely amazed me, is that this guy has taken more abuse than Judge Ito, more abuse than Judge Bork, and just about the same amount of abuse as Judge Larry Elder on the TV show "Moral Court", who frankly is as much of a Judge as Judge Reinhold.
The talking heads on television were apoplectic, which is one of my most favorite, and most underused words of all time. Glenn Beck of CNN called Judge Seidlin, "Judge Shecky". Nancy Grace condemned the Judge for disregarding the Rules of Evidence, and allowing the Courtroom to become a dog-and-pony show. Attorney Roy Black said that the proceeding gave circuses a bad name. Even my guru, Keith Olbermann, said that Judge Siedlin was gearing toward his 15-minutes of fame.
With all due respect to my esteemed amigos, they are out of touch. Look, I'll be honest, Judge Seidlin, is extreme. He is outrageous. He is like watching Hulk Hogan trying to fight Sylvester Stallone, but in the end, what did he really do wrong. He took a somewhat complicated legal question, to wit, where a woman dies intestate, without a valid will, without clear intent of where she wanted to be buried, do you give that decision to her estranged mother, her corrupt and somewhat dubious leech of a personal assistant/drug dealing pseudo attorney, or some random guy that she was fooling around with. Judge Seidlin did what any Judge would do in the same situation, he threw up his hands and took testimony, and then, after hearing from these three rings of a three ring circus, frankly, I think he made a very nice decision in letting the decision lie with the guardian for Anna Nicole Smith's minor daughter, who felt that it was in the best interest of the child to have her mother buried next to her mother. That's it. Cut to the chase. While it may not have needed any testimony to get to this place, it was a very conservative decision that will likely stand-up on appeal and even more than likely be forgotten quicker than Britney Spears' next album. To all those who criticized the decision, I ask you this - what decision would you propose: offer to split the baby in half and the party that objected to the solution is the one that gets it. Of course not, because in today's world, we know more about Rick Soloman than we do about King Soloman.
For Olbermann, or Glenn Beck, or Nancy Lack of Grace, or even Roy Black to have any criticsm of Judge Seidlin is really unfair. First of all, this was a bench trial over a probate issue. The Rules of Evidence in these kind of things go out the window anyway. I know, it shocked me the first time that I ever did a bench trial, and somedays still bothers me, because you have no idea what to expect. The whole point of a bench-trial is for the trier of fact to have all the information they need to make an informed decision. Second, so Judge Seidlin was over-the-top. He's a Probate Judge in Florida. Next week, he's going to be doing a trial to figure out which one of Bobbi Lou's illegitimate heirs is gonna receive the trailer park, and which one is gonna get the money from the lawsuit where Bobbi Lou sued the Cracker Barrel for allowing Bobbi Lou to get an order of chicken and dumplings with a side-order of dumplings that ultimately killed her. So, for this Judge to actually get emotionally involved in this particular case, was a bit bizarre, but no different than the Judge that once asked me in the middle of a trial whether I knew anything about Arizona condo-law, or the Court that held up twenty-lawyers one morning because the Judge had parked in a handicapped spot illegally, and lost his robe when his car was towed.
Do you want to know why the Supreme Court doesn't allow for cameras of their hearings. Well, it wasn't because of Judge Seidlin, but it kinda, sorta, was. You see there are days when the kitchen of justice feels like the kitchen at Ruby Tuesday's and some sophomore kid is spitting in the Louisiana Fried Shrimp. Sometimes the justice comes out just right, and sometimes it comes out just a little over-done with a side of cheesy fries. Now, this is not to suggest that the Supreme Court of the United States wears clown noses, and doesn't treat their cases seriously, but the fact is that when there is a camera in the Court room, everybody from the lawyers to the Judges all start putting on a show just because they know its there. Justice Souter has even gone as far as to say that camera's in the Court room will be there "over his dead body." When there is a camera in a highly publicized case like this, the lawyers (and in this one particular instance the Judge) plays to the camera like they are trying the case on American Idol, and not trying to get to the heart of the matter.
Judges, like the Supreme Court, like Judge Seidlin, are to be evaluated on one thing, and one thing only - the substance of their decisions. Judge Wopner, or Judge Judy, or Judge Milian are sitting on the television bench because they make for good television, and not necessarily make for good day-to-day Judges. Judge Seidlin is an eccentric, granted, but not unlike the thousands and thousands of other eccentric Judges that the general public doesn't see on a day-to-day basis, and the type of eccentric Judges that Glenn Beck, Roy Black, Keith Olberman, or Nancy Grace have never seen before, and for these guys to criticize Judge Seidlin after the week he had, well, then they're just a bunch of boobs.
I know my place in the big, bad world of entertainment; I'm like a drop in an ocean of talented whales and sharks where I don't even amount to the size of plankton. I understand this, but thanks to Al Gore, who created the internet, even a little plankton like me gets to swim free in the deep depths of the entertainment sea, with my little tail wagging in the tide, my little plankton antennae searching out little bits of plankton food. Ok, that is the stupidest analogy I have ever written. Jeez, oh man, where am I going with this I mean sure its cheap and easy to call Rosie O'Donnell a fat whale, Andy Dick a sucker-fish and Joan Rivers a Crab, and Bill O'Reilly a piece of crap. Actually, I can call Bill O'Reilly that on dry land too, but the point being, it's a stupid analogy. The point being is that I know my place in the big bad world of professional comedy. Generally, my place has never been to be the one on stage. My place has been in the cheap seats, crying over the goddamn two drink minimum and the lousy service. But like the guys who sit in the stands at the Yankee games who think they can manage better than Joe Torre, I have every right to get up and yell and scream every time I see a bad play. Carlos Mencia is a no-good, lying, dog, scab, the white puss that comes out of an infected canker sore, hack of a comic, that should be playing the Olive Garden rather than Madson Square Garden. You may ask? Jersey Todd, what exactly did Mr. Mencia do to you? Well, nothing personally, but when has that ever mattered on this show. What matters is what the modern day Sinbad allegedly does to other comedians that has me all riled up, and if you didn't notice it, I just did it, too. You see the line that I just told about Carlos playing the Olive Garden rather than Madison Square Garden, is a joke that I picked up off of the Opie and Anthony Show. It's a fantastic line, and as much as I would have like to have thought of it, I didn't and that's why they have a multi-million dollar contract and why I have boxes of Splenda being mailed to me. But the difference is that Carlos Mencia robs other comedians like he was Bonnie and Clyde . Actually, I don't know if he's Bonnie or Clyde, but it doesn't matter, because I'm not sure whether he is entirely sure about his sexuality, either. A little bit of background is in order. Carlos Mencia is a pretty well known comic. He's got a show on Comedy Central called Mind of Mencia, which I guess Comedy Central put up there after Dave Chappelle lost his mind. According to Radar Magazine, which I am very happy to say is back in publication, after almost ripping me off, and they have an excellent article this month about comics ripping off other comics and I find it fascinating, and rather than me ripping off the article entirely and claiming it as my own, lets just say it runs through the history of joke stealing from such master criminals as Milton Berle to Robin Williams, to Dane Cook, to Dennis Leary, but the one that stood out for me is Carlos Mencia, or should call him by what other comedians call him, "Mensteala." You see, I have no bridges to burn. I'm not even sure if I could find the road to get near the bridge to burn it. I don't even know where to get the ez-pass to get to the bridge that I need to burn. Jeez, that's horrible, I am like analogy-impaired tonight, but the reality is that where some comedians are probably scared that Menstealia would use whatever entertainment pull he has to hurt their careers, I have no desire to go into comedy as a way to feed my family. No, I have chosen the three ring circus of Workers' Compensation law for that source of fun and hilarity. Let me just read you this:
"Comedy Central star Carlos Mencia is almost universally reviled. According to Rogan, the famed Comedy Store in Los Angeles has even instituted a Mencia early-detection. "Every time he walks in, the guys in the cover booth just start yelling 'Mencia's here!'" he says. Nick Di Paolo claims the Comedy Central star also swiped material from him, and notes that "every Latino comic wants to kill him." One in particular is sitcom star George Lopez, who told Howard Stern last year that Mencia stole 13 minutes of his act for an HBO special, inspiring him to pay Mencia a personal visit. "I just had enough," Lopez recalled. "So one night at the Laugh Factory, I just picked him up and slammed him against the wall."
Even since the article came out, Mencia apparently has no shame, this past week Joe Rogan, the host of Fear Factor on NBC and an even better stand-up in his own right, confronted Mencia on stage at the Comedy Store in Los Angeles. You can see a clip of the whole exchange on Joe's web site, and I'll put a link to it on my page, but Rogan essentially gave Mencia a verbal beat down that would have made Alan Dershowitz proud. Mencia, who's apparently really named Ned, and is half German, basically had no comprehensible answers to Joe's accusations, and basically came off like Anna Nicole Smith at a deposition. I'm saying Anna Nicole now, not two weeks ago, now. Speechless. Maybe Menstelia thought that he could get away with it, but to quote the great American philosopher, Mr. Michael Tyson, "everyone has a plan until they get punched." But lets take a quick right turn back on to the highway of this story. What's even more amazing is that according to Joe's Website, there really are no repercussions to Ned. He's going to go on the same way that he always has, and probably stealing other people's jokes. In the meantime, Joe has been asked to take a break from the comedy store, and is now doing some shows at the improv, and it blows me away that the victim is ultimately the one who's punished. You see, joke stealing is a crime. Its plagiarism. Not only is it morally wrong, but in a world where morals have as much respect as Tim Hardaway at a GLAAD convention, it's also potentially legally wrong, too. The Radar article goes on to say how Robin Williams and Lorne Michaels have paid comedians off to avoid being sued. Of course, it does mention how WC Fields paid people to break other comedian's legs, which in New Jersey is of course an acceptable remedy, too. In the end, and I know that no comedian is going to come out and say this, but the onus, and who doesn't like a little onus every once in a while, ultimately fall on the Comedy Clubs to make a tad of an effort to police this kind of thing. Now, I realize that it would be virtually impossible and potentially harmful for the clubs to pre-screen every act that hits the stage, but where there a known fox in the hen house, the club really has to make some sort of effort to keep these poachers out. It's like bringing Lindsey Lohan to an open bar - you just know that nothing good is going to come from it. More importantly, by not policing it somehow, the Comedy Clubs devalue the originality, the creativity, and the uniqueness of each comedian, and thereby reduce the value of their product. Maybe it's the "Wal-Marting" of comedy. Maybe ultimately, you'll not only be able to go into a comedy club in New York and hear the exact same routine that you would in Alabama, even down to the same jokes. Maybe this is exactly why Kramer went crazy on-stage. Stand-up comedy and stand up comedy has gotten so wide spread that every minor metropolis with a population has a comedy club in it. Trust me, if you go into the Whack-Shack in Tuscaloosa or Bananas in Buffalo, you're gonna hear some comedian talking about the differences between white people and black people, or some female comic being shocking by saying the V word or somebody making jokes about President Bush. In the end, because there are so many outlets for comedy and so many professional comedians, the product is more watered down than the Vodka at a Mormon's Christmas party.Maybe, the comedy clubs condone stealing because when it all gets watered down, going to a comedy club will be like going to McDonalds, and you'll be happy with getting the same meal every time, and they'll be happy to serve it to you because you'll pay for it. But I will say this, when the day comes that people realize that even at the comedy clubs, they are getting the same homogenized, processed, non-original crap that they can get anywhere else, then it is on that day that the Plankton shall rule the ocean! Man, five minutes later, and that analogy is still stupid.
Good Evening Mr. and Mrs. Podcast Listener and all the ships at sea. Lets Go to Press! We interrupt your regularly scheduled programing for a special announcement!
Flash!
Headline: We've got 'em on the run!
Dateline: Today!
That's right Mr. and Mrs. Double Latte. Mr. and Mrs. Cublicle Dweller. Mr. and Mrs. We're Not Gonna Take it Anymore. We've got the music industry on the run! But we need your help! On March 22, 2007, we're gonna put the coup de gra-cee on them with Operation Bum Rush the Charts
Stemming from a secret location deep within the secluded fortress of the internets, plans for this not-so-secret operation are being unrolled today. On March 22, 2007. Go over to the itunes directory and purchase a copy of "Mine Again" by Black Lab. On March 22, 2007, there will be one great surge of podcast listeners from all over the world buying this track, and we're enlisting you, too.
Flash!
Reports coming from tell us that the only way that Operation Bum Rush the Show is going to work is with your help. That this is your chance to show the music industry who's boss. The enemy is weak and is tired, and needs to be put out of its misery.
On March 22, 2007, for less than a cup of Joe, you have the choice between Freedom and Totalitarianism, the choice between Good and evil, and the choice between creative life and death.
On March 22, 2007, the choice is yours.
Good Night Mr. and Mrs Podcast Listener, whereever you are.
February, when a young man's thought's turn to Spring. When the Groundhog has seen his shadow, and winter is only a quick blink away from being over. We have the exciting thoughts of Washington's Birthday, and of course Lincoln's Birthday, and of course Valentine's Day. St. Valentine, of course named after Valentinus of Alexandria, who was the patron saint of cheesy cards and crappy chocolate, who is not to be of course confused with Greg "The Hammer" Valentine, who was of course the patron saint of the figure-four leg lock.
While I am a happily married man, my thoughts turn to my swinging bachelor days, which frankly were as swinging as a pendulum in outerspace. I'm not saying that I didn't have my moments, oh who am I kidding, Rex Grossman had a better completion percentage than I did. Back when I lived in my bachelor pad, my Blockbuster card was swiped so many times that I am now representing the clerk for Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, and at the time, I would have done anything for love, but I doubt, doubt that I would have worn a diaper for love, at least I don't think so.
While the tabloids have been taken over by Anna Nicole Smith quicker than you can say Chandra Levy on September 11, I want to press the universal rewind button one more time and just step back and take one last time and give one more look at the my favorite space case, Lisa Nowak. If you haven't heard this story, and really the weight of anna Nicole has really crushed this story, I really need to run through it with you one time. Set your phasers to stunned kids, we're going in at warp speed.
Lisa Nowak was an astronaut, which by itself is an amazing achievement, right? I mean we all want to be cramped into hot tight little metal containers and get to eat crappy food, I mean other than flying a commercial airplane, of course.
This past week, Nowak admitted to being in an extra marital affair with Commander Bill Oefelin. Commander Oefelin, was also involved with another Nasa employee named Colleen Shipman. This is where the starts, and nobody has really spent much time analyzing it, because the rest of the story is so wonderful. I'm loving the names. Commander O'Feelin you can't make this up. Support Analyst Shipman? I swear, somewhere underneath a mountain in Colorado, sealed air tight until the day when the Vulcans arrive, Gene Rodenburry is probably smiling in his pneumatic tube. Commander Ofeelin of the Crotch Rocket Squad apparently has gotten more tail in space than Captain James Tiberius Kirk. Man, can't you just hear Spock saying, "Commander, crapping where you eat, that simply isn't logical" and Bones coming in with a "Damn it Bill, they're both whack-jobs damn it."
But this is where the story really gets good, the married mother of three drove from Houston to Orlando to confront her love rival after she had learnt that Captain Shipman was returning to her home near the Kennedy Space Centre in Florida. Police said that Captain Nowak wore diapers for her mission so that she did not have to stop to urinate during the 950-mile drive from Houston - a technique used by astronauts during launch and reentry. Disguised in a black wig and tan trenchcoat, Captain Nowak waited for Captain Shipman's aircraft to land before dawn on Monday and then boarded an airport shuttle bus with her to the car park.
Hearing "running footsteps" behind her, Captain Shipman hurried to her car and locked herself inside, police said. Captain Nowak slapped the window and tugged at the door, asking Captain Shipman for a lift. When Captain Shipman rolled down the window two inches, Captain Nowak allegedly sprayed her with a chemical that made her eyes burn, prompting her to drive off to seek help. Police found Captain Nowak dumping two bags in a rubbish bin. They contained not just the discarded coat and black wig but also an airgun, a 4in penknife, a new steel mallet and several rubbish bags. Inside her car, police found pepper spray, latex gloves, directions to Captain Shipman's home and nappies, including two soiled ones, "that Mrs Nowak admitted to using so she did not have to stop to urinate".
Also, in the car were copies of e-mails between Captain Shipman and Commander Oefelein, and "a letter that indicated how much Mrs Nowak loved Mr Oefelein".
Now since this story broke, Nutwak, or Nosak, or whatever her name is has posted bond and has special futuristic ankle jewelry, and is awaiting further instructions from her evil alien overloads at the Prosecutors office.
My big problem is that it already feels like Lisa Nowak is getting special treatment for being an astronaut, or smart, or white, or whatever reason they have to give her special treatment. Because, if she were you, me, or anybody else with two white earbuds in their ears, this would be a no brainer. You and I would be spending the next 45-days at the Oswald Correctional Facility waiting for our lawyer to find us. Two points for you if you caught the Oswald reference. Jeez, Shillenger dude still scares me.
First off, I am shocked that any Judge would make her post so low a bail. I mean posting 10% of $25,000 is really not that big a deal. Here is a woman that just spent days or weeks planning to murder a co employee, someone that had in her possession weapons, both bb and soiled diaper. And then where did they send her back to? Frigging Texas? She can get a coke, a bag of "cheetos", a semiautomatic, and a Hershey bar from a vending machine. Flight risk? This woman knows how to leave the planet.
Second, it is driving me bonkers that everyone is saying that the stress of her job drove her to do it. Stress of her job?? You're kidding. Did you see Appllo 13? Jeez, they have thousands of people at NASA who's main job is to just press a button. Ed Harris just stands there and tells other people when, where and how to press the button. Have you ever heard of Pat Sherrill? Of course not, in 1986, Pat Sherill shot up the Edmond Oklahoma post office and ended up killing 14 people. I mean stress, want to talk about stress, Postal Workers have stress with the dogs, and the zip codes and the certified return receipt cards. Postal workers don't have 1/10 th of the support that a astronaut has.
No, the idea that Lisa Nowak went insane because of her job is frankly troubling. Lisa Nowak went insane, because she was used to being competitive and winning, and as someone who has competed more than once, and lost more than once, I say to you this hardy-har-har. You didn't get the guy, even though you're married to someone else. Because someone younger, faster, smarter , and with a nicer set of booster rockets got him. So what! We all don't get what we want every time, and we all don't get to try to go play OJ every time we do.
This brings me to my third point, the idea that Lisa Nowak is indee insane. Has anyone given her a medical diagnosis of this? We're already hearing NASA bang the gong that they need to reevaluate their screening processes to see if people have a psychological problem before they get to be an astronaut. Well, duh. We certainly don't want someone dressed as Napoleon singing the Wonder Pets song flying the Space Shuttle. "Hey I just wanted to park this big fly-boat at Toy's R Us for awhile, alright."
But, boy oh boy, wouldn't I like it if my bosses wouldn't make my defenses for me when I committed a crime. Not saying that I committed a crime or anything, I mean nothing serious. I mean nothing that the Statute has expired on. Ahem. What I mean is that Lisa Nowak, has all but confessed to committing a crime and a big one 1 st degree murder. With malice aforethought. With the mens rea similar to Sirhan Sirhan. A Crime, that when committed in Texas, they start spraying PAM on your ass so you won't stick to the chair. Yet, before she gets to even meet with Denny McClain, NASA has already beamed in the insanity defense. I know, maybe NASA has a time machine hidden away, and they have gone into the future to see what exactly Nowak's legal defense is going to be, and have started laying the groundwork.
Within one week's time, the press coverage has gone from horrible potential crime, to the assailant as the victim. Lisa Nowak is not a victim of anything. You don't lose your mind in a love triangle, unless you're in high school. You lose your mind trying to put together a podcast every week, while handling 500 active litigation files, and chasing a 2-year old with another kid on the way in March. Damn, nobody is crazy enough to try to do all that, right?
So, don't feel sorry for Lisa Nowak. If given the chance, I truly believe, she would have killed Shipman or Seaman or whatever her name was. But she is entitled to a fair, impartial trial. I certainly believe that she is innocent before she is proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. No, I will give her every opportunity to prove her defense not in the papers but in a Court of law. But frankly, if I'm sitting on that jury, I'm shipping her off to the frozen ice prison planet of Remulak-V.
About a year ago, I did a show about Anna Nicole Smith in the Supreme Court. Her death today is an American tragedy, and my heart goes out to her friends, family, and fans. Originally podcast on March 2, 2006.
My son Charlie, the "Jersey Toddler" hasn't allowed me to sleep for the last few nights, so I need some music to wake me the heck up. On this episode, you'll enjoy the silky smooth sounds of:
I didn't grow up with pets, but for the past five years, our home has been taken over by animals. Real, absolute animals. I hear them in the middle of the night. I hear them chomping on plastic. I scoop their poop, and deal with their puke when they eat too much and explode all over the floor. For the last five years, my home has been infested with cats. We got Judge first. Can you tell that I had the naming rights? Its been very therapeutic for me - "Get off the table, Judge!" "Don't eat that, Judge!" Of course, I also thought it was weird the first time someone said "Judge is on the phone." A few years later, Lou arrived, and ever since then I've been woken up pretty much every night to the sounds of Wrestlemania, which I don't mind so much, except when they set up the cage matches, because man oh man, the banging on the steel bars just gets to you after awhile. But, I guess, after all this time, I think its fair to say that I have a special spot for animals.
However, like I always tell my friend Madge Weinstein when she tells me that she subscribes to FarmLove.com, you can love your pets but you really shouldn't love your pets.
While I hate reading you the newspaper, I have to give you the highlights of an article that I read recently in my local paper, the Courier News. " The FBI is looking for animal rights activists who vandalized holding pens at a SomersetCounty quail farm, leading to the deaths of several dozen birds they released in the name of stopping animal cruelty.
Unnamed members of the Animal Liberation Front issued an Internet communique taking responsibility for the damage to the Griggstown Quail Farm on Monday night."
Let me stop right there, Animal Liberation Front? ALF ? This has the be the stupidest name for an organization that I have ever heard. I mean come on, what other names did they reject? DORA? Demonstrating Our Rights Aggressively? How about WEAK? Wrecking Economic Animal Killers? ASS? Animal Salvation Service? HAMSTER - Helping Animals Maybe Surivive Terrible Endangerment, Retard. Let me give you one more - Animals Don't Always Make Cute Underwear Really, Really Yellow - ADAM CURRY
Say what you want about terrorists, some of them have some pretty scary imagery, and frankly someone in a ski-mask with a picture of a bad 80's TV icon, holding a kitty strikes as much fear in me as Seth Green having roid rage. Go away Seth, and tick-tick-tick. Better hope there's a Austin Power's 4 dude, or its back to the shoe with the rest of the elves, but, I digress.
Anyway, the article continues to say, "the ALF - said they were acting on behalf of six imprisoned animal rights activists who were convicted of terrorism-related activities in U.S. District Court in Trenton earlier this year."
"We gave an early Christmas present to around 250 of our friends at the Griggstown Quail Farm," the Web bulletin from ALF activists read. "After clipping through the fencing, we cut out large sections of the canopy covering three pens, then flushed several hundred quail, pheasants and partridges out into the starry sky and freedom. The farm is located by a waterway and open fields, and we wish our friends the best of luck in establishing new lives."
But that's not exactly what happened, said Steven Siegel, a spokesman for the FBI's Newark office. Ok, got to stop again, there is actually someone working at the FBI office in Newark named Steven Siegel. Oh come on, that can't be right. Well, who knows, I mean I thought Marked for Death and Hard to Kill, were ok movies, but man oh man did he ever kill his credibility with Fire Down Below. Come on an EPA agent that's trying to stop big business that can do karate? You know that the EPA is in the pocket of major corporations. However, from my sources if Lindsay Lohan doesn't kick this little drinking habit of hers, she's going to end up doing a porn remake of Fire Down Below, but the plot is going to have to be completely different. But again, I have steered away from the main part of the story.
Agent Siegal was quoted as saying, "The persons responsible for this crime wrongly believed they were liberating wild animals when in fact their actions directly resulted in the death of all of the domesticated fowl they 'freed,' " he said. "These particular species are unable to survive in the wild without human assistance. When these misguided individuals ripped open the holding pens, they only succeeded in freeing these birds directly into the path of oncoming traffic on a nearby busy highway and sentenced the remainder to slowly freeze to death without food, water or shelter," Siegel said. "It's like liberating fish from an aquarium by throwing them on the floor."
Jerry Vlasak, a Los Angeles doctor and spokesman for the Animal Liberation Press Office, which posted the activists' statement, said he does not know who sent it, nor does he want to. But he commended the vandalism and said if even a small number of animals survived, it was worth it.
"They were all going to die anyway if they were left at the farm, and there's a good chance a lot of them will survive," he said. "If it was you being held in a cage, wouldn't you want a shot at getting out and being free, even if it was only a slim one?"
Hmm. I dunno so much about this one. I mean on one hand, I think that torturing animals is obviously wrong, but torture in itself is a very hard thing to define. One man's torture is another man's American Idol, and one man's animal cruelty is another man's progress of science.
I agree 100% that these ALF people (sorry, the name still makes me giggle), have every right to protest. They have every right to make a big deal about this subject, but when it gets into destroying other people's property and livelihood then we have a real problem.
At the outset, has anybody ever figured out whether these shock tactics are even effective. These are the same kind of people that pour blood on fur coats, and post pictures of monkeys with their heads chopped off. But rather than gaining my sympathy, rather than gaing my empathy, these people repulse me. I just can't see someone saying, "dead apes are used to save children? Well, sign me up right now!" I end up running away from their issues rather than running to them to try to even figure out what they are talking about. Maybe for half a second these animal rights people feel pretty good about themselves, and maybe for half a second they feel like they accomplished something.
All I know is thought that quail is a pretty lousy dinner regardless of who or why they got axed. But the person who runs the farm has just a right to run a business as anyone eles, and rather than just walking in the middle of the night with masks on and destroying the place, the ALF people have obligation to comply with the law and address their concerns through the proper channels, and then when those channels don't work they should use their brains and find new channels. Trust me, there is no big quail conspiracy out there that wouldn't listen to you about how to coexist.
And fine, you have some deeply held views. Good for friggin you. So do a lot of people, who don't put on ski masks and run around in unguarded farms in the middle of the night like a bunch of teenagers. You may consider yourselves patriots in some weird Chicken Run kind of way, I consider you cowards.
We recently found out that my son Charlie is allergic to cats, so my wife and I really had a tough decision to make. Do we allow our child to continue to rip his skin off or do we make a change. The conversation lasted about a half of a second. Judge and Lou. Gotta go. We found them a home in Philadelphia with a nice girl that wants them both together, and we're going to bring them there today, and this is essentially the point that these ALF people miss.
Sometimes humanity requires us to make hard decisions, decisions that we don't want to have to make. But in the end, its about family and in the case of some of these researchers, its about other people's families, and finding ways to keep them healthy, and if we don't use our higher functions every once in awhile then it makes us no better than the animals that we have come to protect.
And torture? Well, don't worry Judge and Lou, I'll make sure that we send some extra cat nip so you can get loaded if you ever have to watch the Eagles or Sixers on TV.
In eighth grade, I was named the Editor in Chief of the Marlboro Middle School newspaper, the Hawker. I took that experience and 3-years later was named the Editor-in-Chief of the Freehold Township High School newspaper, the Patriot Press. In college, I was editor of a literary magazine, named Intertext. Links available on the website. Yes, deep down kids, I guess one of the many careers that I would have liked to have tried was to have been a tried-and-true, deep on the beat, journalist.
But, once again, I think I would have been let down about what my expectations were of the job from the perspective of an adult and that of a child. Journalists, like everyone else, have the same faults, the same personality flaws, the same lack of ethics as anyone else. This is especially true when you hear the story of "The Money Honey"
Now, I never watch CNBC. I have as much financial acumen as Lindsey Lohan at a spelling bee. Don't get me wrong, I like to put money in the safe, long term investments, like my MCI stock that is gonna come through some day, as long as I keep holding on to it. But generally, I don't really pay too much attention to the industry that is the financial news.
Maria Bartiromo, aka "Money Honey," is the most recognizable face on financial news channel CNBC. Over the past few years, she seems to have grown close--some would say uncomfortably close--to the former head of Citigroup's global wealth management group, Todd S. Thomson, proving that all guys named Todd aren't completely apathetic in regard to their sheckels.
To quote Gawker.com and I certainly don't want to be accused of plagiarizing when I'm beating on someone else's ethics, but all would've probably passed unnoticed if Citigroup hadn't gotten its boxers in a bunch over a private jet trip that Thomson and Bartiromo took home from Hong Kong last year--a trip that Thomson had arranged so that Bartiromo could speak to Citigroup clients in Hong Kong and Shanghai. To fly on the plane, Bartiromo had to bump "several" Citigroup bankers from the flight. In other words, Thomson wanted the two of them to be alone. All alone. CNBC reportedly reimbursed Citigroup for a fraction of the costs of the private jet and having to purchase commercial airline tickets for the bumped bankers.
Jeez, I can just imagine the horror for these bankers. Here they expected to be flying a major flight from Hong Kong to wherever their Fortress of Solitude, and they have to fly home commercial next to some kid watching Wonder Pets on a DVD player. Two weeks in a row of the Wonder Pets. That show is still stuck in my head. What's gonna work team work. Please someone just shoot me.
Gawker goes on to tell us that Thomson was fired this week for that and other allegations of impropriety, including having Citigroup sponsor a program on the Sundance Channel for $5 million. The proposed host? Bartiromo. The two have also sat on a Leadership Advisory Board together at the Wharton School of Business since 2005 (Thomson reportedly recommended Bartiromo), and have presented at conferences together there.
Now, I love Gawker. Great website, but frankly, I think they the let the Money Honey off the hook, because this story really gets me riled up. Here's why: I could care less whether Maria Bartiromo is an attractive woman. Doesn't do a thing for me, really. I could care less that she shows more cleavage than Elizabeth Hurley painting her toenails, hold-up wait a second mental image fellas, ok where were we - ok - the fact of the matter is that she is supposed to be a unattached, impartial observer of events, and when she is riding with a big-wig on a billion hour flight to Hong Kong, and having her career pushed harder than Elizabeth Hurley painting her toenails - oh sorry, still stuck with that mental image having her career pushed harder than a Service Contract at Best Buy is just wrong.
Appearance of impropriety? Appearance of impropriety? No this isn't an appearance, this is improper. Flat out. Did you know that she has Citibank stock? I wonder how that affects her reporting. I don't care that the rules of journalism or of finance have provided Ms. Bartiromo an ability to disclose that she has 1,000 shares of Citibank stock, and the culture of the financial and journalism world says that is ok. The fact of the matter is that if Ms. Bartiromo has an ability to influence the buying and selling of Citi-bank stock, then no amount of disclosure is going to ever make her credible to me. More importantly, the fact that a major financial reporter is even telling you that she has so much stock in a company is an implied advertisement that you and I should go ahead and buy that stock, thereby pushing up the price. What's interesting is that so far, Bartiromo appears to be unscathed Indeed, as TV Newser points out, "Maria Bartiromo is a living, breathing promotion for CNBC." Well, that's a shame. Maria has even gotten the nickname "The Money Honey" trademarked. Yeah, this isn't so she can put it out on t-shirts, but so she has the right to sue someone else who tries to use her inane branding, and is it just me but was Walter Cronkite concerned about his branding? Of course not, the only word that should matter to a journalist is credibility and, when a reporter is more concerned with their image than how it affects the impartial nature of their reporting, then the credibility of the entire network needs to be called into question.
While, the Money Honey is nice eye candy, she is not some bimbo reading the teleprompter about the weather. Lets be clear, CNBC is on at the Wall Street Firms in the same way that ESPN is on at Hooters, and for some strange reason, people listen to her. But when the Money Honey is hanging out with, and doing who knows what with, and having personal interest in a companies best interest, then her reporting is as lopsided as her breasts in her Vera Wang gown. Compare this story to good ol Suzy Wetlauer and Jack Welch. Mr. Welch, the former CEO of G&E, lost half of his fortune because of his dalience with Ms. Wetlafer while she was doing an interview with him for the Harvard Business Review in 2002. I wonder what Suzy and Jack's advice would be for Maria? People who don't study history are doomed to repeat it, I guess. and frankly, what is the deal with these financial folks. Jeez, you'd think with all of this money they'd have half a brain in their personal lives. Speaking of personal lives, both the Money Honey, and her Teddy Bear from Citibank are both married, and while I don't know anything happened between them, but if I were either of their sp0uses, I think that its time to start selling that stock short. At the end of the day, I have no idea what this famous talking head was doing in that airplane, and I certainly will n ot head down the road or make any headway into that discussion or even infer anything from the headlines, and I will leave any thought of what they were doing left to your own sick and twisted imagination in your own head. But at the end of the day, there is something really distasteful about this story. There is distasteful about a reporter becoming the story rather than reporting on the story itself, and maybe sometimes we forget that reporters, like everyone else, have the same issues and the same faults we all do. Frankly, I'm still not over my Fraternity brother Marv Albert putting on women's clothing and biting people but to each their own, and maybe we should just recognize that all of these so called experts are just who they are - just people, and their opinion should have no more gravitas than some guy spouting off from a computer in his basement.
As for me, I resigned from being Editor in Chief of my high school newspaper when I realized that it got me no closer to getting a date for the Senior Prom, but what did get me a date? Well, not all stories need be reported.
Every once in awhile, the show just comes together. We had a tribute to a Toddshow Icon, and an interview with a two-year old. We also had some great music from:
I don't know if it's the generation gap. I don't know what it is, but in so many ways, I just have a profound respect for the Greatest Generation - my grandparents generation. Maybe I just respect what they did during their time on this planet, facing odds and circumstances that I couldn't even begin to fathom. This past week, we lost one of the greatest of the greatest generation. He didn't put a flag on the side of a mountain, or through spitballs at Hitler, but he did something that in a lot of ways, I appreciated more than any kind of act of physical bravery. Art Buchwald made people laugh.
I was in high school when I first discovered Art Buchwald, and I was immediately taken. If you never read any of his stuff, then you must It is laugh-out-loud funny. While I never agree that often with Senator Ted Kennedy, other than his belief that two olives are better than one, I do indeed agree with his claim that Art Buchwald is the Mark Twain for our generation. So, Mr. Buchwald, I don't know where you are now. I'm sure you've already written a column giving Gabriel some crap about his wings, but this one is for you.
Commercials are a funny thing. They make you buy things you don't need, like stuff to make your floors brighter, your hamburgers tastier, and your car go faster, and sometimes the commercials aren't even inbetween the portions of the television show, sometimes the commercials are in fact, the show itself.
This past week, Keith Olbermann once again got his name out of the sports pages and into the front pages for criticizing the Keifer Sutherland's magnum opus, the Fox mega-hit 24, as a propaganda tool for the war in Iraq, and our current foreign policy. However, if you're like me, you're probably flicking through MSNBC on a nightly basis, and heading through the 600-million basic cable channels to rest on something far more nutritious - like the Wonder Pets. Wonder Pets. Wonder Pets, we're on our way. Those kid songs really stick in my head!
So as a public service to the listeners of the JTS, and in an effort to join in the collective horse flogging of Keith Olberman and 24, we here at the JTS want to spend a few minutes talking about this.
"24" recently had its premier episode for this season. Notwithstanding you can buy the previous seasons of the show at a reduced rate on Cspan's website, and the show has featured John McCain and Michael Skeletor Chertoff and other Republican luminaries, there are aspects of the show that are clearly in line with the Republican way of thinking. In the premier episode, Muslim terrorists lit a nuclear bomb in an American city. Not French terrorists, Not disgruntled teamsters, but who better to take the place of the Universal Bad Guy than our Arab brother's and sisters. Apparently, the Germans and Japanese of WWII, and the Russians of Cold War have surrendered that title.
While the ratings for 24 have gone in the complete opposite direction of our current sitting President, Sunday night's two-hour premiere again argued not just that torture is necessary but that it works -- and it's also really exciting to watch. The show as usual made the "ticking time bomb" case for torture: we need to torture a suspect, or else thousands, or millions, will die in the next hour.
Where I think Keith Olberman makes a huge mistake is by calling 24 a pro-Republican show, because its not. I don't find it to be left-wing or right wing, what I do find is that 24 is torture porn. It is straight forward S&M for those who think that a good kick to the crotch is the best way to get information out of someone who can't remember. To quote a great comment that I read on the net from a guy named Terry S. "It's interesting that 24 has not featured any blatantly right-wing terrorists (say anti-abortion), nor any blatantly left-wing terrorists (say animal rights). The producers of 24 do not want to alienate either their right-leaning or left-leaning audience. Why? Because that would interfere with their prime-directive: making torture sexy."
Torture has got some pretty big backers. Alan Dershowitz, a man that I respect greatly, has been quoted as saying that judges ought to issue torture warrants in the "rare 'ticking bomb' case," and by University of Chicago law professor and federal judge Richard Posner, who has written, "If torture is the only means of obtaining the information necessary to prevent the detonation of a nuclear bomb in Times Square, torture should be used." He added that "no one who doubts that this is the case should be in a position of responsibility."
With all due respect to Professor Dershowitz and Judge Posner, are you insane?
Our Supreme Court has repeatedly held that confessions based on torture are inadmissible because people will say just about anything in order to have the electric shocks gizmo removed from the testicles. Now fine, I understand that we're at war. But aren't we always at war against something. Isn't selling drugs in a school zone part of the war on drugs? Shouldn't authorities in this situations be able to use war time tactics? This seems like an immediate problem that needs to be dealt with right away. Jeez, how about torturing McDonalds executives to find out what the secret sauce is all about certainly there is a problem with our War on Obesity. What about serial killers? They're certainly entitled to more protections than foreign terrorists. Does anyone see a problem here?
As a lawyer, we're taught that words matter, and I agree that there is a difference between domestic crime and terrorism. But lets cut to the chase, the words matter. Terrorists commit murder. Terrorists commit assault. Terrorists commit a whole host of nouns. Whether their 'mens rea' goes to a fundamentalist religious position, or they are just pissed that their wife was sleeping around, it is the act that matters not the motivation.
Jack Bauer is lucky, Keifer Sutherland's character, and Fox does a lousy job in explaining this to you. Everytime that Jack cracks a knuckle or bites someone on the jugular, it leads to a good solid lead to prevent a holocaust. In the real world, that doesn't happen. Trust me, TV is just TV. I can't watch law shows, because very rarely does the plucky young associate ever get a referral of a double-leg-off case. I mean take House, another big show on Fox, notwithstanding the fact that someone could make the argument that this too is another show where the capital R rules don't apply if you're getting results, but we'll skip that analogy, too, because my point is that I know doctors that can't watch that show because if they pulled some of his crap, they'd most likely lose their license and go to jail. Ultimately, the problem is that there are people that are in the terror business and in the administration that don't look at 24 as a fantasy, but look to it as a guide book for what should be and that's just wrong.
Criminals and terrorists don't have some sort of code of ethics where if you catch them and threaten them that they'll absolutely give you reliable information. Generally, they give you crap, and when that crap is extracted from them through their fingernails, then its even less reliable.
I think its fascinating that we have a place like Guantanamo where it is conceded that our government is engaging in processes like sleep deprivation and water boarding in an effort to try to get information out of individuals who have not been in a reliable position to be able to provide information for years, and when history finally sorts this whole mess out, and we do all the math, I think there will be less credible confessions coming out of G-town than successful Britney Spears movie roles.
Torture, is, I suppose, an effective method of getting information out of someone where you are 99.9% certain that they have information worth getting, but the Sam's Clubbing of torture by Guantanamo as envisioned by 24 is just plain wrong, and not reflective of the country that we'd want to live in.
Truly Fox is in the torture business, because if you really want to watch torture, if you really want to watch sadism, then go no further than some of the nut jobs that are on American Idol. Four hours a week of this crap to find one mildly decent voice?
Godspeed Mr. Buchwald, and well done cashing your chips in before another season of Paula Randy and Simon Cowell takes over our airwaves. Because if that's not torture, I don't know what is.
I am one of the last people on earth that is going to believe everything that people tell me. Its part of the job that I could never expect people to lie to their lawyer, but occasionally someone does. But if its one thing that drives me nuts, its bad liars.
I never know about it until its too late – like when there's a trial. At that point, I'm the guy trying to hide underneath my files, trying to rearrange papers, tying my shoe, basically doing anything that I can to avoid the cold hard look of the judges that is hearing the case. Oh man, who am I kidding, cold hard look? Forgetaboutit, the Judges that I see every day usually are doing their best to stop from laughing their asses off at me. I mean jeez oh man, a few weeks ago, I took testimony from a guy that was so obviously lying, so completely full of it, that I felt like I was going to have to degrease the witness stand when we were done, but lets not revisit that one. I'm still catching crap from the Court reporters….no I don't want to buy a copy of the transcript, I want to buy a flea collar for that dog of a file.
Fortunately, I'm pretty lucky I get about one client per year that does a better job testifying in my office when I'm deciding to take the case than they do when they find religion in front of the Judge.
I have heard some deceitful, dishonest, disturbing, two-faced, low-down, double-dealing, mendacious whoppers in Court, and ultimately, it isn't lying that bothers me so much. Its bad lying. I mean really bad lying. The kind of lying that is immediately see through the minute that it leaves the person's mouth and gets into the air. The kind of lying that everyone just looks up like a dog that just heard a car screetching a mile away, with a face that says, "Huh? You did not just say that."
But I don't think that its really my client's fault, I mean not really. Today, in our country, lying has become culturally acceptable – more importantly, its almost become a requirement that our public figures through a lie or two out there first just to see what sticks rather than giving the real explanation of how they screwed up.
Take Barry Bonds for instance. If you aren't a sports fan, this is the guy who plays baseball for the San Fran Giants, and is in a mess of trouble. Frankly, he is starting to have the credibility of Jon Lovitz. Yeah that's the ticket. But his recent story really has me chuckling. This past week, he tested positive for amphetamines. Ok, that's bad. Its illegal, but greenies have been part of baseball, since Babe Ruth was drinking bathtub gin in the Yankees dugout. But I gotta tell you, I love Bond's lie. According to the New York Daily News, Bonds initially stated that he took the pills out of a team mates locker and took them. He said he had no idea that they were amphetamines. Yup, Barry Bonds, already in trouble with major league baseball and the law for taking steroids just walks around the San Fancisco giants clubhouse taking random medicine from other guy's lockers for the sake of it. I mean the team mate might have been taking blood pressure meds, or antidepressants, and Bonds is just popping pills without a care. Come on. Does anyone really believe him. Dear lord, if Bonds accidentally started swiping his team mates Viagra, then he'd be accused also of playing with a corked bat, but we're just gonna stay away from that. But I love this lie. Ok, fine it completely is unbelievable but rather than thinking that Bonds is a roided up drug addict taking more pills than Robert Downey Jr., it makes me think that Bonds should be wearing big Mr. Magoo glasses and he's just stumpling around the dug out like my grandfather looking for his agina pills. Fantastic. Barry Bonds – Hall of Fame Liar.
Compare this with some of the unskilled, unprofessional liars that are currently out there with no respect to their craft. Recently, the woman that accused the Duke Lacrosse players of raping her now says that one of the guys just watched and wouldn't participate because he was getting married. Which would be great but for the fact that the guy isn't engaged. I mean this woman has changed her story more times than one of those Choose Your Adventure books. Jeez, wouldn't that be something – If you want to run screaming out of the fraternity house, turn to page 50. If you want to file false charges and completely embarrass yourself, turn to page 51. Come on
Lets be real, what happened here is that this stripper saw a bunch of rich or smart kids and thought that she could pull a fast one. But now the truth has come to light like that hot white light hitting the stripper pole, and this woman is just left naked with her credibility stretched as thin as the dental floss between her cheeks. I would not be shocked if that when this is all said and done, those guys from duke aren't going to sue her for everything she's got, but what how the heck are they gonna be able split a few used pasties and some sex toys among four guys.
Hollywood is a town based on lies. Here we go kids, it's the Jersey Todd speed round:
George Clooney – its not that you don't ever want to get married. Come on We know, its because you don't have to.
Britney Spears – sure, the lack of panties. That was a wink-wink accident. Sure it was – right in front of the cameras. Accident. Right.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – all these kids – its about the tax breaks right?
Paula Abdul. No drinking problem. Right.
Kevin Spacey – We know. Straight. Right.
Lying is woven into the social fabric of this country. It's the social lubricant that gets you out of having to take any personal responsibility for your actions. It's the method of choice for politicians, celebrities, and corporations who promise you, "bigger, whiter, faster, stronger". It's the no new taxes. It's the weapons of mass destruction. At the end of the day, if the people that you're supposed to respect are doing it, then why the heck shouldn't I. You've got it. Now, why the heck shouldn't you lie too? What's your answer? You've dug yourself a hole. Are you going to stay in there, or get out of it? If you get out of it, are you doing so WITH me, or am I (the listener) to be left behind?
As a public service to all the listeners, I am pleased to provide you with Jersey Todd's guide to lying. Because, if you're gonna do, we might as well train you to do it right.
First off all, make it believable. Every good lie is based off of a common experience. You are not dating Jennifer Anniston. You don't have a rich uncle who's gonna give you a million dollars and you're gonna have all the time in the world to get your tush back into shape. Nobody's gonna believe it. No, you've got to keep your lies simple. If your boss asks you why your work isn't done, don't tell him that you were called away on a special project, its not believable. Tell him that the computer crashed again, and the people from the IT department couldn't get to you to get the project off your hard drive. Simple. No further explanation needed.
This brings us to our second recommendation, lies don't need to be long explanations. Like episodes of Will and Grace, the shorter the better. The bottom line that two words "flat tire" are far more believable than "ohmigd I really wanted to get to your party but when I got in the car and there was a fire and then when the firemen came they asked me to help and I had to go up into a building and save a trapped kitty. It was pretty scary, and then when I realized what time it was, I figured that your party probably was over and I didn't want to wake anyone." See – the bullshit stinks like the cracks in between Rush Limbaugh's rolls of fat.
Finally, be consistent. If you need to, start writing your lies down. I recommend indexing them on your computer. Just don't save them in a file called Lies2007.doc, because you know someone's gonna stumble upon that. But you have to keep yourself organized. Personally, I keep all of my white lies on my treo in a file labeled the "Democrat Plan in Iraq" cause nobody is ever gonna look at that. But really, the worst thing that I have ever seen is when lies get all disorganized. Stay consistent. Don't get on one battleship and say "Mission Accomplsihed" on one day, and then ask for more troops the next. It just kills your credibility.
In the end, its not the lie that bothers me, it's the liar that bothers me. Because if you're not going to really work on your craft, really think about the nature and quality of your lie, then frankly you might as well tell the truth.
This has been Jersey Todd, the new director of Podshow NJ. See….totally believable, and complete b.s….jeez, you'll believe anything.
As promised, here's your audio essay for this week:
There are 400 days. There are a mere 400 days or so for you and I to make a very important decision. This decision is one that will affect all of us in ways we haven't even begun to imagine. In 400 days, you and I are going to get to pick a President. But this is a special election, as this is one of the rare occurrences in our country, where there really is no front runner. There is no sitting Vice-President using their remaining time to start their own campaigns. In fact, in this election, with President Bush's approval ratings somewhere near those of broccoli, liver, and lima beans, who ever is running from President is going to back away from the capital "L" legacy of George W. Bush faster than Lindsay Lohan ran to the back door of her AA meeting so she could go scarf some cosmo's before lunch.
Indeed, in this election, you and I are given the ultimate tabla rasa, the clean slate, and rather than going down the same old road, the same tired highway of "Has beens and never will-be's", let me suggest that we take this opportunity to really clean out Washington D.C., to really put candidates in there that are going to represent this country in a way that we can be proud, that will heal party lines and to put candidates in there that have a proven record of success and a plan to make America a better place in the future.
Ladies and Gentlemen, in the 2008 race for President, we here at the Jersey Toddshow are calling for the one ticket for a better America. Ladies and Gentlemen, I urge you to write in for President the ticket of Donald Trump for President and Rosie O'Donnell for Vice-President.
Yes, I understand that they currently hate eachother. But they don't have to like each other to get along. Didn't Bush Sr., call Reagan's economic plans "voodoo economics"? Did Gore and Clinton really get along? Jeez, Gore was stiff and Clinton walked around with a stiffy. No wonder Gore kept his hot daughters away from Clinton. Edwards threw Kerry under the bus so quick after the election, that the Senator from Mass. has tire tracks on his back. And doesn't our current President call the Vice-President, "the meany man who won't let me eat ice cream at my desk?" Presidents and Vice-Presidents don't have to get along, and for two New Yorkers' like Trump and O'Donnell, making fun of his hair, and calling her ugly is just another way of saying "I love you."
Indeed, for the good of this country, I believe that the Mr. Trump and the Diva of Morning TV can put aside their differences and successfully co-exist.
More importantly, let's analyze why I believe that the Donald and O'Donnell ticket benefits America more than any other potential ticket out there.
Vice President O'Donnell. First, what exactly is the role of the Vice-President. For the most part, it's a ceremonial position. A lot of State funerals and dinners. Well, who wouldn't you want going to a state funeral or dinner than a fat lesbian comedian? She'll get along with everybody. She'll hang out in the kitchen and eat all the left-overs and b.s. wit the straight people and the gay people. Moreover, as an Irish-American, Ms. O'Donell will finally bridge that great divide in our country between those who drink at funerals and those who eat.
More importantly, we won't have to spend any money on getting C-level entertainment like Don Imus or Al Franken to speak at the State functions, we'll just give Rosie a bottle of Chivas, a bucket of ice, and its open mic night at the Wacky Shack. Frankly, the savings to the tax payers would be enormous, and frankly, so is Rosie.
The Vice President is also President of the Senate, and this is where I can really see Rosie shining. C'mon, Ted Kennedy needs a Koosh Ball. Harry Reid needs a Koosh Ball. Consensus? Absolutely, this is the "Queen of Nice" � does she still have that title? But more importantly, lets be honest, do you want to disagree with Rosie if she were carrying a gavel. Jeez, the woman is scary.
Now, the Donald as President. That's a no-brainer, and don't kid yourself one bit, this is something that I believe that we are already watching the beginning of a campaign for a run for the Presidency down the road, so why not now, why not 2008. I submit to you, that there is no greater choice for the next President of these United States than Donald John Trump.
This man is the personification of the American Dream. Of course, a lot of that dream starts with being born to a millionaire and having parents ship you off to military school, but doesn't every American child get born to that kind of opportunity? With a hot daughter, a son that keeps his mouth shut and his eye on his inheritance, and a wife that's made dirty movies I submit there is no other First Family better suited for 1600 Pennslyvania Avenue - or as the future will rename it the "Trump Cottage."
More importantly, who else is giving a recent college, a poor soul that graduates at the top of their class, or a successful young business owner the opportunity to become a millionaire? Nobody. I mean where would the model with the MBA go? What will happen to the attractive young business owner who's already made themselves into a successful business person go without Donald Trump? No, Donald Trump cares about the children of America.
We certainly know he knows how to take care of his businesses, and don't worry one thing about the President of the United States owning casinos. Think about it, you take a small investment, and hope and pray that it's going to be a big payoff�.kind of like�well, the fundamental building block of our free market economy �.the stock market. Gambling is just a fact of life, and Mr. Trump brings the American experience away from the burgoise stock market with its rules and old boys club, and brings opportunity to the people. Trade the SEC in for "hit me", sounds more like America to me, buster.
I will concede that Mr. Trump has limited foreign policy experience. Sure, the Miss Universe contest is something for us all to talk about, and is a common ground for every man in the world to agree that Ms. Belize needed to do a better job shaving her pits. I don't think he really needs any more experience than that. I've read that Trump's position has always been if you attack me, I attack you 10% more. Well, that seems pretty hawkish, but is really no different than our current administration's military stragegy, statergieum, stradergy. Wow, President Bush, it is hard to say those three syllable words occasionally.
I think Donald Trump is the right person is the right person to solve the problems in Iraq and the Mideast, and it can be accomplished in two words. Trump Bagdad. Think about it, I don't think that fundamentalist Muslims have too much problem with gambling, they have a problem that gambling can become an addiction. So, in order to solve this problem I have it on good authority that if Mr. Trump were allowed to build a casino in Bagdad, people playing the slot machines would only be able to play them in one 48-hour sitting per month. There, problem solved, and Trump Bagdad will provide jobs, and money and all of the other good stuff that comes with it. Seriously, is there much difference between downtown Bagdad and downtown Atlantic City? Of course not, and as the old saying goes if it's good for New Jersey it's good for Iraq.
Trump won't mess around. Do you really think that he'd put up with bad planning at the Pentagon like we've seen in the past three years. I can just hear it, "Rummy, I don't know where your head was at. Your idea to have one giant meatball on a Domino's pizza was idiotic, your Dove shampoo ad was stupid, and you completely underestimated our soldier's needs. Jeez, Rummy, I thought that you had a lot of potential, but frankly you've been a huge disappointment. Rummy, I hate to say it because you're a very nice person, but I'm not looking for a nice person�.Donald Rumsfeld, (wait for it, and wait for it)�.you're fired."
Ladies and Gentlemen, there is a new day rising in America. It is morning in America and the ticket of the Comb-Over and the Chubster is our last, great hope. Because, in the end, are you absolutely 100% certain that Hilary, McCain, Obama, Romney, Guliani, or Edwards or anyone else are going to do a better job? I'm not so sure.
As discussed, here is the audio essay for this week:
If you haven't heard, I recently won an award. It's a big deal. No, its not a Podcast Peer award. No, its not a Bloggie, or anything quite like that. No, and I'm sure you've heard of it. I recently won Time Magazine's PersonoftheYear. There have been some really famous people that won this award. Its gone back to 1927. Roosevelt, Bush, Clinton, Einstein, Charles Lindberg and now Jersey Todd. No really, its true. What do you mean you haven't heard. My face is on the cover of every issue ofthe January 1, 2007 issue of Time Magazine that I've looked. No, I didn't read the article, I'll have one ofthe staff do that. I'm sure that they'll send me a staff, being PersonoftheYear is a pretty big responsibility.
I know, I know. I didn't even know I was nominated. Usually, I have to write an essay or do a speech for something for these kind of things. Last time I won an award, I was in 8 th grade and theAmerican Legion gave me a $100 for my stirring rendition of why the "Flag is Beautiful." But, I must say I am completely completely flattered. I know that a lot of you were gunning for this award, and hey, what can I say, the cream just rises to the top, I mean completely caught me from left field. Curry, did you nominate me for this? You crazy wackjob you!
In all seriousness as thePersonoftheYear, I know that I have certain obligations, certain duties that come with the beautiful tiara and scepter that Time Magazine sent me. To that end, as your new PersonoftheYear, or POY, as I like to call it, I promise the following:
You will never see me in a bar in New York City dancing in my underwear making out with Miss Teen oftheYear. Because frankly, for no other reason than I am really lazy, and the drive to New York is a pain in the ass. Mr. Trump, you won't have to worry for one second about me, and besides I hear that the runner up to my PersonoftheYear award is a heroin user. Really. Look for the track marks.
I promise never to complain when Time Magazine sends me to a State Fair in Iowa or Oklahoma or wherever you want to send me. Because as thePersonoftheYear, I promise to be a man ofthe People. You want me to kiss a pig, I'm there. You want me to autograph your baby. I'm all over it. No, in my administration all shapes and sizes are welcome. In fact, as PersonoftheYear, McDonald's French Fries for everyone!
As your PersonoftheYear, I will never lead into an unjust and unwinnable war. Frankly, I do believe that I would get my ass kicked by Sports Illustrated Athlete oftheYear, and maybe even the Food Network's Chef oftheYear but I do think that I could open a whole can of whup-ass on Scholastic American's Reader oftheYear, and to that end, Becky Smith of Snodgrass, Illinois, you and me, no holds barred, Madison Square Garden. Be there.
Don't worry kids, you'll always have access to me. This award won't go to my head, you can always hit me up at jerseytoddshow@gmail.com. In fact, lets take a look at some ofthe mail that popped up just today in the POY-box:
Ok sure, sure. Mrs. Fatima Ali of Togo, thank you so much for writing in. I am sorry your not feeling well. Uh huh. Cancer ofthe Pelvics oooh never heard of that one, but that sounds rough. Ok, so what you want me to do is you want me to contact the embassy in Togo, and to impersonate your relatives, so we can take out the $29 million that your husband, the late Mr. Usuman Ali the consulate of Togo had in trust for you. Mrs. Ali, I am ashamed of you. You know that as thePersonoftheYear, I am held to a higher ethical standard. I simply can not go around impersonating the next of kin of dead Togonese Counselors. I mean seriously Mrs. Ali, we don't even look alike, who's going to believe me. Please. Mrs. Ali, I think you've got bigger issues on your plate than the $29 million. Look, get yourself healthy and send me another note when you're feeling better. Okâ?¦lets take another look at some ofthe other mail?
Got a mail here from Blike Diedrich who informs me that I've apparently won a million euros, if I contact a bank in Amsterdam within 14-days.No I'm sorry, as the Time Magazine PersonoftheYear, I apparently am not going to push my luck. Nope, only one contest for me per year. Ok, lets see what else we've got.
Christian Russel from sweetcookiesan@onedeadlyroad.com checking in. Lets see Windows Vista for $79.00. Well that's very nice of you. Thanks for the heads up. Hey Christian, see what you can do for a flat screen for me.
From: Peter. Subject: She wants better sex? Peter, uhm, I know I'm a public figure here as the host ofthe JTS, but uhm, how did you know? Who have you talked to? Lets just keep this between us, ok. Uh huh, well, apparently its all over the place, Jayden Nelson wants to sell me "love drugs", Peter, Alexander, Henry, Austin Thomas, man oh man its all over the internet. Guys don't worry, everything is under control, because the only aphrodisiac my lady is ever gonna need came in the mail just yesterday â?? that's right my face on the cover of Time Magazine. Awesome!
Tim from Oklahoma sent an email in on December 26. Uh huhâ?¦Jersey Todd, Don't attack the Presidentâ?¦I hated President Clinton, but I was always respectful. Yadda Yadda Yadda. Jersey Toddshow should just be entertainment but lay off the political rants. Go easy on the President. I don't like everything he did either but please don't bash him in public. I already stopped listening to "Get Jacked" because of his politics.
Jesus Christ what the hell is this crap. Oh this can't be real. Holy 1st Amendment Batman. This can't be real. I mean who would take this seriously. People in Oklahoma don't have computers, and they certainly don't write in complete sentences like this. Well if you call it that. Unless Tim has one hooked up to a windmill for the wind going whipping down the plain, I'm gonna just assume that this is spam, which is really weird, because I don't usually get spam.
But anyway, lets put that away for now. As you know, as PersonoftheYear, I think I'm entitled to some things too. Google. Lets start with you. Time to bow down and kneel before Zod. I mean Todd (note to the listener: extra point to you if you get that reference). But time to start sending your links to me. Anyone searches for Lawyers. Jerseytoddshow.com. Podcasts. Jerseytoddshow.com. Kinky, freaky, uberconservative self-righteous punk, well, that can still be directed to billoreilly.com.
In the end, I am very excited to be your PersonoftheYear. However, I will not rest, I will not tire, I'm gonna keep going. I'm just gonna keep doing what I'm doing, taking one for the team, just playing within myself, keeping focused, because hey, its 2006, and I'm gunning to be your Personofthe Decade.
What do you mean that thePersonoftheYear is You? Well, that's just the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Yeah, I know I called it Episode 69, but I guess I had my hopes up. Tonight on the JTS, a new year brings us an opportunity to reflect and to look forward - and another first, the annual State of the JTS Address. Featuring:
The President of the Islamic Republic of Iran wrote an open letter to the citizens of the United States this week. I think its only good manners that I write him back. Featuring music by:
For a special essay, check me out on Episode #3 of 
The Jersey Toddlette was born on March 8, 2007. She was a happy 8.1 pounds, and was 19.1 inches. She is currently in negotiations for her own podcast.
