The Baby is coming on March 8, 2007. So, things are a bit crazed here at the JTS. But that doesn't stop us from playing some kick-ass music, including:

1. Andrew Lubman
2. Army of Me
3. Kill the Alarm
4. Jeff Mallon
5. Mike O

Check out the show here

     Back when Anna Nicole Smith appeared before the Supreme Court, I felt that the only reason that the Court was entertaining her case was not for her celebrity or her boobs, but because of the large amount of money involved, and the Federal jurisdictional questions that the Court needed to rule upon. Now that she has gone to the great reality show in the sky, and with no disrespect to the dead intended, I still am not convinced that I would have even heard of her despite her celebrity and, of course, her boobs.

     However, now that she is ingrained in the popular culture mythology like a trailer-park Marylyn Monroe, her story has been, and will continue to be fascinating. Over the past week or so, we have been all mesmerized by the Court hearings regarding the disposition of her body. Which is a really cold and unfeeling way to say, where are we provide another worm buffet. Actually, the worms are probably gonna get a contact buzz off of her. Actually, come to think of it - disposition of her body is probably less cold, but you get my drift.

      I will admit that the first time that I saw Judge Larry Seidlin, I had a nightmare. Really. True story. I was absolutely amazed that here was a sitting Judge conducting a conference that was one part roller-derby, one part jeopardy on crack, and one-part Wrestlemania. I mean this guy was outrageous. He was over the top. This was like a Judge that I had never seen before. He gave everyone in the room nicknames, like "Texas" or "California" or "Mama". He called the body of Anna Nicole his "Baby". He would cut people off. He wouldn't allow lawyers to finish a sentence. He'd break down crying at important parts. I mean when watching Judge Larry, I had to wonder if Judge Moe and Judge Curly weren't right down the hall. "Quash a subpoena, oooh a wiseguy, eh? Woop. Woop. Woop."

      But anyway, I had this dream that I was representing a party before him, and everyone was moving at double-speed, like they had some sort of double caffeinated chai latte grande espresso drink with a shot of cuervo and I had nothing to say, and it completely freaked me out. Really. That was the dream, which of course, is much better than the one that I'm always having which involves Fred Flintsone speaking German to Toucan Sam, which is really weird considering that I don't speak German, but I really do like Fruit Loops.

    This being said, the saga of the corpus of Anna Nicole Smith has now been completed, and we now have an opportunity to conduct a post-mortem on the body of work that was that of Judge Larry Seidlin. What has absolutely amazed me, is that this guy has taken more abuse than Judge Ito, more abuse than Judge Bork, and just about the same amount of abuse as Judge Larry Elder on the TV show "Moral Court", who frankly is as much of a Judge as Judge Reinhold.

     The talking heads on television were apoplectic, which is one of my most favorite, and most underused words of all time. Glenn Beck of CNN called Judge Seidlin, "Judge Shecky". Nancy Grace condemned the Judge for disregarding the Rules of Evidence, and allowing the Courtroom to become a dog-and-pony show. Attorney Roy Black said that the proceeding gave circuses a bad name. Even my guru, Keith Olbermann, said that Judge Siedlin was gearing toward his 15-minutes of fame.

     With all due respect to my esteemed amigos, they are out of touch. Look, I'll be honest, Judge Seidlin, is extreme. He is outrageous. He is like watching Hulk Hogan trying to fight Sylvester Stallone, but in the end, what did he really do wrong. He took a somewhat complicated legal question, to wit, where a woman dies intestate, without a valid will, without clear intent of where she wanted to be buried, do you give that decision to her estranged mother, her corrupt and somewhat dubious leech of a personal assistant/drug dealing pseudo attorney, or some random guy that she was fooling around with. Judge Seidlin did what any Judge would do in the same situation, he threw up his hands and took testimony, and then, after hearing from these three rings of a three ring circus, frankly, I think he made a very nice decision in letting the decision lie with the guardian for Anna Nicole Smith's minor daughter, who felt that it was in the best interest of the child to have her mother buried next to her mother. That's it. Cut to the chase. While it may not have needed any testimony to get to this place, it was a very conservative decision that will likely stand-up on appeal and even more than likely be forgotten quicker than Britney Spears' next album. To all those who criticized the decision, I ask you this - what decision would you propose: offer to split the baby in half and the party that objected to the solution is the one that gets it. Of course not, because in today's world, we know more about Rick Soloman than we do about King Soloman.

      For Olbermann, or Glenn Beck, or Nancy Lack of Grace, or even Roy Black to have any criticsm of Judge Seidlin is really unfair. First of all, this was a bench trial over a probate issue. The Rules of Evidence in these kind of things go out the window anyway. I know, it shocked me the first time that I ever did a bench trial, and somedays still bothers me, because you have no idea what to expect. The whole point of a bench-trial is for the trier of fact to have all the information they need to make an informed decision. Second, so Judge Seidlin was over-the-top. He's a Probate Judge in Florida. Next week, he's going to be doing a trial to figure out which one of Bobbi Lou's illegitimate heirs is gonna receive the trailer park, and which one is gonna get the money from the lawsuit where Bobbi Lou sued the Cracker Barrel for allowing Bobbi Lou to get an order of chicken and dumplings with a side-order of dumplings that ultimately killed her. So, for this Judge to actually get emotionally involved in this particular case, was a bit bizarre, but no different than the Judge that once asked me in the middle of a trial whether I knew anything about Arizona condo-law, or the Court that held up twenty-lawyers one morning because the Judge had parked in a handicapped spot illegally, and lost his robe when his car was towed.

      Do you want to know why the Supreme Court doesn't allow for cameras of their hearings. Well, it wasn't because of Judge Seidlin, but it kinda, sorta, was. You see there are days when the kitchen of justice feels like the kitchen at Ruby Tuesday's and some sophomore kid is spitting in the Louisiana Fried Shrimp. Sometimes the justice comes out just right, and sometimes it comes out just a little over-done with a side of cheesy fries. Now, this is not to suggest that the Supreme Court of the United States wears clown noses, and doesn't treat their cases seriously, but the fact is that when there is a camera in the Court room, everybody from the lawyers to the Judges all start putting on a show just because they know its there. Justice Souter has even gone as far as to say that camera's in the Court room will be there "over his dead body." When there is a camera in a highly publicized case like this, the lawyers (and in this one particular instance the Judge) plays to the camera like they are trying the case on American Idol, and not trying to get to the heart of the matter.

     Judges, like the Supreme Court, like Judge Seidlin, are to be evaluated on one thing, and one thing only - the substance of their decisions. Judge Wopner, or Judge Judy, or Judge Milian are sitting on the television bench because they make for good television, and not necessarily make for good day-to-day Judges. Judge Seidlin is an eccentric, granted, but not unlike the thousands and thousands of other eccentric Judges that the general public doesn't see on a day-to-day basis, and the type of eccentric Judges that Glenn Beck, Roy Black, Keith Olberman, or Nancy Grace have never seen before, and for these guys to criticize Judge Seidlin after the week he had, well, then they're just a bunch of boobs.

I always get so excited to get a show out, but this is a really energetic show. Featuring:

1. Dan Anibal
2. Aloud (Promo)
3. The Rewinds
4. Kevin Reeves and Ian Baird
5. Noush Skaugen
6. Lee Silby, Jr.

Intro: Psykosoul

Check out the Joe Rogan video here

Download the show - HERE


        I know my place in the big, bad world of entertainment; I'm like a drop in an ocean of talented whales and sharks where I don't even amount to the size of plankton. I understand this, but thanks to Al Gore, who created the internet, even a little plankton like me gets to swim free in the deep depths of the entertainment sea, with my little tail wagging in the tide, my little plankton antennae searching out little bits of plankton food.
        Ok, that is the stupidest analogy I have ever written. Jeez, oh man, where am I going with this I mean sure its cheap and easy to call Rosie O'Donnell a fat whale,  Andy Dick a sucker-fish and Joan Rivers a Crab, and Bill O'Reilly a piece of crap. Actually, I can call Bill O'Reilly that on dry land too, but the point being, it's a stupid analogy.
            The point being is that I know my place in the big bad world of professional comedy. Generally, my place has never been to be the one on stage. My place has been in the cheap seats, crying over the goddamn two drink minimum and the lousy service. But like the guys who sit in the stands at the Yankee games who think they can manage better than Joe Torre, I have every right to get up and yell and scream every time I see a bad play.
            Carlos Mencia is a no-good, lying, dog, scab, the white puss that comes out of an infected canker sore, hack of a comic, that should be playing the Olive Garden rather than Madson Square Garden.
            You may ask? Jersey Todd, what exactly did Mr. Mencia do to you? Well, nothing personally, but when has that ever mattered on this show. What matters is what the modern day Sinbad allegedly does to other comedians that has me all riled up, and if you didn't notice it, I just did it, too. You see the line that I just told about Carlos playing the Olive Garden rather than Madison Square Garden, is a joke that I picked up off of the Opie and Anthony Show. It's a fantastic line, and as much as I would have like to have thought of it, I didn't and that's why they have a multi-million dollar contract and why I have boxes of Splenda being mailed to me.
            But the difference is that Carlos Mencia robs other comedians like he was Bonnie and Clyde . Actually, I don't know if he's Bonnie or Clyde, but it doesn't matter, because I'm not sure whether he is entirely sure about his sexuality, either.
            A little bit of background is in order. Carlos Mencia is a pretty well known comic. He's got a show on Comedy Central called Mind of Mencia, which I guess Comedy Central put up there after Dave Chappelle lost his mind.
            According to Radar Magazine, which I am very happy to say is back in publication, after almost ripping me off, and they have an excellent article this month about comics ripping off other comics and I find it fascinating, and rather than me ripping off the article entirely and claiming it as my own, lets just say it runs through the history of joke stealing from such master criminals as Milton Berle to Robin Williams, to Dane Cook, to Dennis Leary, but the one that stood out for me is Carlos Mencia, or should call him by what other comedians call him, "Mensteala."
            You see, I have no bridges to burn. I'm not even sure if I could find the road to get near the bridge to burn it. I don't even know where to get the ez-pass to get to the bridge that I need to burn. Jeez, that's horrible, I am like analogy-impaired tonight, but the reality  is that where some comedians are probably scared that Menstealia would use whatever entertainment pull he has to hurt their careers, I have no desire to go into comedy as a way to feed my family. No, I have chosen the three ring circus of Workers' Compensation law for that source of fun and hilarity.
           Let me just read you this:

"Comedy Central star Carlos Mencia is almost universally reviled. According to Rogan, the famed Comedy Store in Los Angeles has even instituted a Mencia early-detection. "Every time he walks in, the guys in the cover booth just start yelling 'Mencia's here!'" he says. Nick Di Paolo claims the Comedy Central star also swiped material from him, and notes that "every Latino comic wants to kill him." One in particular is sitcom star George Lopez, who told Howard Stern last year that Mencia stole 13 minutes of his act for an HBO special, inspiring him to pay Mencia a personal visit. "I just had enough," Lopez recalled. "So one night at the Laugh Factory, I just picked him up and slammed him against the wall."

 
Even since the article came out, Mencia apparently has no shame, this past week Joe Rogan, the host of Fear Factor on NBC and an even better stand-up in his own right, confronted Mencia on stage at the Comedy Store in Los Angeles. You can see a clip of the whole exchange on Joe's web site, and I'll put a link to it on my page, but Rogan essentially gave Mencia a verbal beat down that would have made Alan Dershowitz proud. Mencia, who's apparently really named Ned, and is half German, basically had no comprehensible answers to Joe's accusations, and basically came off like Anna Nicole Smith at a deposition. I'm saying Anna Nicole now, not two weeks ago, now.  Speechless.
    Maybe Menstelia thought that he could get away with it, but to quote the great American philosopher, Mr. Michael Tyson, "everyone has a plan until they get punched."
            But lets take a quick right turn back on to the highway of this story. What's even more amazing is that according to Joe's Website, there really are no repercussions to Ned. He's going to go on the same way that he always has, and probably stealing other people's jokes. In the meantime, Joe has been asked to take a break from the comedy store, and is now doing some shows at the improv, and it blows me away that the victim is ultimately the one who's punished.
         You see, joke stealing is a crime. Its plagiarism. Not only is it morally wrong, but in a world where morals have as much respect as Tim Hardaway at a GLAAD convention, it's also potentially legally wrong, too.
            The Radar article goes on to say how Robin Williams and Lorne Michaels have paid comedians off to avoid being sued. Of course, it does mention how WC Fields paid people to break other comedian's legs, which in New Jersey is of course an acceptable remedy, too.
            In the end, and I know that no comedian is going to come out and say this, but the onus, and who doesn't like a little onus every once in a while, ultimately fall on the Comedy Clubs to make a tad of an effort to police this kind of thing. Now, I realize that it would be virtually impossible and potentially harmful for the clubs to pre-screen every act that hits the stage, but where there a known fox in the hen house, the club really has to make some sort of effort to keep these poachers out. It's like bringing Lindsey Lohan to an open bar - you just know that nothing good is going to come from it. More importantly, by not policing it somehow, the Comedy Clubs devalue the originality, the creativity, and the uniqueness of each comedian, and thereby reduce the value of their product.
            Maybe it's the "Wal-Marting" of comedy. Maybe ultimately, you'll not only be able to go into a comedy club in New York and hear the exact same routine that you would in Alabama, even down to the same jokes. Maybe this is exactly why Kramer went crazy on-stage. Stand-up comedy and stand up comedy has gotten so wide spread that every minor metropolis with a population has a comedy club in it. Trust me, if you go into the Whack-Shack in Tuscaloosa or Bananas in Buffalo, you're gonna hear some comedian talking about the differences between white people and black people, or some female comic being shocking by saying the V word or somebody making jokes about President Bush. In the end, because there are so many outlets for comedy and so many professional comedians, the product is more watered down than the Vodka at a Mormon's Christmas party.Maybe, the comedy clubs condone stealing because when it all gets watered down, going to a comedy club will be like going to McDonalds, and you'll be happy with getting the same meal every time, and they'll be happy to serve it to you because you'll pay for it.
    But I will say this, when the day comes that people realize that even at the comedy clubs, they are getting the same homogenized, processed, non-original crap that they can get anywhere else, then it is on that day that the Plankton shall rule the ocean! Man, five minutes later, and that analogy is still stupid.

     Anyway, I'm Jersey Todd, and "Peace and Be Wild", and "we'll all get together again and talk about some more shit", and of course "Tailwinds."

Good Evening Mr. and Mrs. Podcast Listener and all the ships at sea. Lets Go to Press! We interrupt your regularly scheduled programing for a special announcement!
 
Flash!
 
Headline: We've got 'em on the run!
 
Dateline: Today!
 
That's right Mr. and Mrs. Double Latte. Mr. and Mrs. Cublicle Dweller. Mr. and Mrs. We're Not Gonna Take it Anymore. We've got the music industry on the run! But we need your help! On March 22, 2007, we're gonna put the coup de gra-cee on them with Operation Bum Rush the Charts
 
Stemming from a secret location deep within the secluded fortress of the internets, plans for this not-so-secret operation are being unrolled today. On March 22, 2007. Go over to the itunes directory and purchase a copy of "Mine Again" by Black Lab. On March 22, 2007, there will be one great surge of podcast listeners from all over the world buying this track, and we're enlisting you, too.
 
Flash!
 
Reports coming from tell us that the only way that Operation Bum Rush the Show is going to work is with your help. That this is your chance to show the music industry who's boss. The enemy is weak and is tired, and needs to be put out of its misery.
 
On March 22, 2007, for less than a cup of Joe, you have the choice between Freedom and Totalitarianism, the choice between Good and evil, and the choice between creative life and death.
 
On March 22, 2007, the choice is yours.
 
Good Night Mr. and Mrs Podcast Listener, whereever you are.
 
Jeez, Walter Winchell was amazing....

Check out the Promo here

March 22, 2007 is a day that will stand in podcasting history. More information to come, but I wanted to get this post up today.

Read what Chris Penn is doing over at the Financial Aid Podcast.

Way too much music to choose from, and the rant didn't suck either. After 75-Shows, I might just be getting the hang of this. Featuring music from:

Download "life" (mp3)
from "dream"
by keller williams
SCI Fidelity Records

 

1. The Rewinds
2. Kyle Avalon
3. Black Lab
4. Jarah Jane
5. The Attorneys

Featuring:  Tigertail
 
Check out the show here

       February, when a young man's thought's turn to Spring. When the Groundhog has seen his shadow, and winter is only a quick blink away from being over. We have the exciting thoughts of Washington's Birthday, and of course Lincoln's Birthday, and of course Valentine's Day. St. Valentine, of course named after Valentinus of Alexandria, who was the patron saint of cheesy cards and crappy chocolate, who is not to be of course confused with Greg "The Hammer" Valentine, who was of course the patron saint of the figure-four leg lock.

     While I am a happily married man, my thoughts turn to my swinging bachelor days, which frankly were as swinging as a pendulum in outerspace. I'm not saying that I didn't have my moments, oh who am I kidding, Rex Grossman had a better completion percentage than I did. Back when I lived in my bachelor pad, my Blockbuster card was swiped so many times that I am now representing the clerk for Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, and at the time, I would have done anything for love, but I doubt, doubt that I would have worn a diaper for love, at least I don't think so.

     While the tabloids have been taken over by Anna Nicole Smith quicker than you can say Chandra Levy on September 11, I want to press the universal rewind button one more time and just step back and take one last time and give one more look at the my favorite space case, Lisa Nowak. If you haven't heard this story, and really the weight of anna Nicole has really crushed this story, I really need to run through it with you one time. Set your phasers to stunned kids, we're going in at warp speed.

     Lisa Nowak was an astronaut, which by itself is an amazing achievement, right? I mean we all want to be cramped into hot tight little metal containers and get to eat crappy food, I mean other than flying a commercial airplane, of course.

     This past week, Nowak admitted to being in an extra marital affair with Commander Bill Oefelin. Commander Oefelin, was also involved with another Nasa employee named Colleen Shipman. This is where the starts, and nobody has really spent much time analyzing it, because the rest of the story is so wonderful. I'm loving the names. Commander O'Feelin you can't make this up. Support Analyst Shipman? I swear, somewhere underneath a mountain in Colorado, sealed air tight until the day when the Vulcans arrive, Gene Rodenburry is probably smiling in his pneumatic tube. Commander Ofeelin of the Crotch Rocket Squad apparently has gotten more tail in space than Captain James Tiberius Kirk. Man, can't you just hear Spock saying, "Commander, crapping where you eat, that simply isn't logical" and Bones coming in with a "Damn it Bill, they're both whack-jobs damn it."

       But this is where the story really gets good, the married mother of three drove from Houston to Orlando to confront her love rival after she had learnt that Captain Shipman was returning to her home near the Kennedy Space Centre in Florida. Police said that Captain Nowak wore diapers for her mission so that she did not have to stop to urinate during the 950-mile drive from Houston - a technique used by astronauts during launch and reentry.  Disguised in a black wig and tan trenchcoat, Captain Nowak waited for Captain Shipman's aircraft to land before dawn on Monday and then boarded an airport shuttle bus with her to the car park.

       Hearing "running footsteps" behind her, Captain Shipman hurried to her car and locked herself inside, police said. Captain Nowak slapped the window and tugged at the door, asking Captain Shipman for a lift. When Captain Shipman rolled down the window two inches, Captain Nowak allegedly sprayed her with a chemical that made her eyes burn, prompting her to drive off to seek help.  Police found Captain Nowak dumping two bags in a rubbish bin. They contained not just the discarded coat and black wig but also an airgun, a 4in penknife, a new steel mallet and several rubbish bags. Inside her car, police found pepper spray, latex gloves, directions to Captain Shipman's home and nappies, including two soiled ones, "that Mrs Nowak admitted to using so she did not have to stop to urinate".

     Also, in the car were copies of e-mails between Captain Shipman and Commander Oefelein, and "a letter that indicated how much Mrs Nowak loved Mr Oefelein".

     Now since this story broke, Nutwak, or Nosak, or whatever her name is has posted bond and has special futuristic ankle jewelry, and is awaiting further instructions from her evil alien overloads at the Prosecutors office.

      My big problem is that it already feels like Lisa Nowak is getting special treatment for being an astronaut, or smart, or white, or whatever reason they have to give her special treatment. Because, if she were you, me, or anybody else with two white earbuds in their ears, this would be a no brainer. You and I would be spending the next 45-days at the Oswald Correctional Facility waiting for our lawyer to find us. Two points for you if you caught the Oswald reference. Jeez, Shillenger dude still scares me.       

       First off, I am shocked that any Judge would make her post so low a bail. I mean posting 10% of $25,000 is really not that big a deal. Here is a woman that just spent days or weeks planning to murder a co employee, someone that had in her possession weapons, both bb and soiled diaper. And then where did they send her back to? Frigging Texas? She can get a coke, a bag of "cheetos", a semiautomatic, and a Hershey bar from a vending machine. Flight risk? This woman knows how to leave the planet.

       Second, it is driving me bonkers that everyone is saying that the stress of her job drove her to do it. Stress of her job?? You're kidding. Did you see Appllo 13? Jeez, they have thousands of people at NASA who's main job is to just press a button. Ed Harris just stands there and tells other people when, where and how to press the button. Have you ever heard of Pat Sherrill? Of course not, in 1986, Pat Sherill shot up the Edmond Oklahoma post office and ended up killing 14 people. I mean stress, want to talk about stress, Postal Workers have stress with the dogs, and the zip codes and the certified return receipt cards. Postal workers don't have 1/10 ^th of the support that a astronaut has.     

      No, the idea that Lisa Nowak went insane because of her job is frankly troubling. Lisa Nowak went insane, because she was used to being competitive and winning, and as someone who has competed more than once, and lost more than once, I say to you this hardy-har-har. You didn't get the guy, even though you're married to someone else. Because someone younger, faster, smarter , and with a nicer set of booster rockets got him. So what! We all don't get what we want every time, and we all don't get to try to go play OJ every time we do.  

        This brings me to my third point, the idea that Lisa Nowak is indee insane. Has anyone given her a medical diagnosis of this? We're already hearing NASA bang the gong that they need to reevaluate their screening processes to see if people have a psychological problem before they get to be an astronaut. Well, duh. We certainly don't want someone dressed as Napoleon singing the Wonder Pets song flying the Space Shuttle. "Hey I just wanted to park this big fly-boat at Toy's R Us for awhile, alright."

       But, boy oh boy, wouldn't I like it if my bosses wouldn't make my defenses for me when I committed a crime. Not saying that I committed a crime or anything, I mean nothing serious. I mean nothing that the Statute has expired on. Ahem. What I mean is that Lisa Nowak, has all but confessed to committing a crime and a big one 1 ^st degree murder. With malice aforethought. With the mens rea similar to Sirhan Sirhan. A Crime, that when committed in Texas, they start spraying PAM on your ass so you won't stick to the chair. Yet, before she gets to even meet with Denny McClain, NASA has already beamed in the insanity defense. I know, maybe NASA has a time machine hidden away, and they have gone into the future to see what exactly Nowak's legal defense is going to be, and have started laying the groundwork.

            Within one week's time, the press coverage has gone from horrible potential crime, to the assailant as the victim. Lisa Nowak is not a victim of anything. You don't lose your mind in a love triangle, unless you're in high school. You lose your mind trying to put together a podcast every week, while handling 500 active litigation files, and chasing a 2-year old with another kid on the way in March. Damn, nobody is crazy enough to try to do all that, right?

     So, don't feel sorry for Lisa Nowak. If given the chance, I truly believe, she would have killed Shipman or Seaman or whatever her name was. But she is entitled to a fair, impartial trial. I certainly believe that she is innocent before she is proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. No, I will give her every opportunity to prove her defense not in the papers but in a Court of law. But frankly, if I'm sitting on that jury, I'm shipping her off to the frozen ice prison planet of Remulak-V.

About a year ago, I did a show about Anna Nicole Smith in the Supreme Court. Her death today is an American tragedy, and my heart goes out to her friends, family, and fans. Originally podcast on March 2, 2006.

Check out the show here

Special thanks to Brian from Audio Attitude for the wonderful intro, as always.

My son Charlie, the "Jersey Toddler" hasn't allowed me to sleep for the last few nights, so I need some music to wake me the heck up. On this episode, you'll enjoy the silky smooth sounds of:

1. Munk
2. Brett Mikels
   
3. The Tones
4. The Brand New Heavies
5. Matt Caplan
6. Laura Lambert

With a promo for the Friday Night Dance Party Podcast

Download the show directly here

     I didn't grow up with pets, but for the past five years, our home has been taken over by animals. Real, absolute animals. I hear them in the middle of the night. I hear them chomping on plastic. I scoop their poop, and deal with their puke when they eat too much and explode all over the floor. For the last five years, my home has been infested with cats. We got Judge first. Can you tell that I had the naming rights? Its been very therapeutic for me - "Get off the table, Judge!" "Don't eat that, Judge!" Of course, I also thought it was weird the first time someone said "Judge is on the phone." A few years later, Lou arrived, and ever since then I've been woken up pretty much every night to the sounds of Wrestlemania, which I don't mind so much, except when they set up the cage matches, because man oh man, the banging on the steel bars just gets to you after awhile. But, I guess, after all this time, I think its fair to say that I have a special spot for animals.

         However, like I always tell my friend Madge Weinstein when she tells me that she subscribes to FarmLove.com, you can love your pets but you really shouldn't love your pets.

        While I hate reading you the newspaper, I have to give you the highlights of an article that I read recently in my local paper, the Courier News. " The FBI is looking for animal rights activists who vandalized holding pens at a Somerset County quail farm, leading to the deaths of several dozen birds they released in the name of stopping animal cruelty.

Unnamed members of the Animal Liberation Front issued an Internet communique taking responsibility for the damage to the Griggstown Quail Farm on Monday night."  

Let me stop right there, Animal Liberation Front? ALF ? This has the be the stupidest name for an organization that I have ever heard. I mean come on, what other names did they reject? DORA? Demonstrating Our Rights Aggressively? How about WEAK? Wrecking Economic Animal Killers? ASS? Animal Salvation Service? HAMSTER - Helping Animals Maybe Surivive Terrible Endangerment, Retard. Let me give you one more - Animals Don't Always Make Cute Underwear Really, Really Yellow - ADAM CURRY

Say what you want about terrorists, some of them have some pretty scary imagery, and frankly someone in a ski-mask with a picture of a bad 80's TV icon, holding a kitty strikes as much fear in me as Seth Green having roid rage. Go away Seth, and tick-tick-tick. Better hope there's a Austin Power's 4 dude, or its back to the shoe with the rest of the elves, but, I digress.

Anyway, the article continues to say, "the ALF - said they were acting on behalf of six imprisoned animal rights activists who were convicted of terrorism-related activities in U.S. District Court in Trenton earlier this year."

"We gave an early Christmas present to around 250 of our friends at the Griggstown Quail Farm," the Web bulletin from ALF activists read. "After clipping through the fencing, we cut out large sections of the canopy covering three pens, then flushed several hundred quail, pheasants and partridges out into the starry sky and freedom. The farm is located by a waterway and open fields, and we wish our friends the best of luck in establishing new lives."

But that's not exactly what happened, said Steven Siegel, a spokesman for the FBI's Newark office. Ok, got to stop again, there is actually someone working at the FBI office in Newark named Steven Siegel. Oh come on, that can't be right. Well, who knows, I mean I thought Marked for Death and Hard to Kill, were ok movies, but man oh man did he ever kill his credibility with Fire Down Below. Come on an EPA agent that's trying to stop big business that can do karate? You know that the EPA is in the pocket of major corporations. However, from my sources if Lindsay Lohan doesn't kick this little drinking habit of hers, she's going to end up doing a porn remake of Fire Down Below, but the plot is going to have to be completely different. But again, I have steered away from the main part of the story.

Agent Siegal was quoted as saying, "The persons responsible for this crime wrongly believed they were liberating wild animals when in fact their actions directly resulted in the death of all of the domesticated fowl they 'freed,' " he said. "These particular species are unable to survive in the wild without human assistance. When these misguided individuals ripped open the holding pens, they only succeeded in freeing these birds directly into the path of oncoming traffic on a nearby busy highway and sentenced the remainder to slowly freeze to death without food, water or shelter," Siegel said. "It's like liberating fish from an aquarium by throwing them on the floor."

Jerry Vlasak, a Los Angeles doctor and spokesman for the Animal Liberation Press Office, which posted the activists' statement, said he does not know who sent it, nor does he want to. But he commended the vandalism and said if even a small number of animals survived, it was worth it.

"They were all going to die anyway if they were left at the farm, and there's a good chance a lot of them will survive," he said. "If it was you being held in a cage, wouldn't you want a shot at getting out and being free, even if it was only a slim one?"

            Hmm. I dunno so much about this one. I mean on one hand, I think that torturing animals is obviously wrong, but torture in itself is a very hard thing to define. One man's torture is another man's American Idol, and one man's animal cruelty is another man's progress of science.

          I agree 100% that these ALF people (sorry, the name still makes me giggle), have every right to protest. They have every right to make a big deal about this subject, but when it gets into destroying other people's property and livelihood then we have a real problem.

            At the outset, has anybody ever figured out whether these shock tactics are even effective. These are the same kind of people that pour blood on fur coats, and post pictures of monkeys with their heads chopped off. But rather than gaining my sympathy, rather than gaing my empathy, these people repulse me. I just can't see someone saying, "dead apes are used to save children? Well, sign me up right now!" I end up running away from their issues rather than running to them to try to even figure out what they are talking about. Maybe for half a second these animal rights people feel pretty good about themselves, and maybe for half a second they feel like they accomplished something.

          All I know is thought that quail is a pretty lousy dinner regardless of who or why they got axed. But the person who runs the farm has just a right to run a business as anyone eles, and rather than just walking in the middle of the night with masks on and destroying the place, the ALF people have obligation to comply with the law and address their concerns through the proper channels, and then when those channels don't work they should use their brains and find new channels. Trust me, there is no big quail conspiracy out there that wouldn't listen to you about how to coexist.

            And fine, you have some deeply held views. Good for friggin you. So do a lot of people, who don't put on ski masks and run around in unguarded farms in the middle of the night like a bunch of teenagers. You may consider yourselves patriots in some weird Chicken Run kind of way, I consider you cowards.

            We recently found out that my son Charlie is allergic to cats, so my wife and I really had a tough decision to make. Do we allow our child to continue to rip his skin off or do we make a change. The conversation lasted about a half of a second. Judge and Lou. Gotta go. We found them a home in Philadelphia with a nice girl that wants them both together, and we're going to bring them there today, and this is essentially the point that these ALF people miss.

Sometimes humanity requires us to make hard decisions, decisions that we don't want to have to make. But in the end, its about family and in the case of some of these researchers, its about other people's families, and finding ways to keep them healthy, and if we don't use our higher functions every once in awhile then it makes us no better than the animals that we have come to protect.

And torture? Well, don't worry Judge and Lou, I'll make sure that we send some extra cat nip so you can get loaded if you ever have to watch the Eagles or Sixers on TV.