I'm sorry. I know you've missed me. I've just been so busy. Work. The kids. Everything.

But don't fret, I'll be back again soon. But I appreciate you thinking of me....

By the way, I endorse Obama, too. Great, now that the Kennedys' have done it, my endorsement holds a lot less weight.

You knew this already.

But apparently, the gds of the internet have alerted me that I was setting up my feeds all wrong. Apparently, you can't have two feeds running off of the same page. It makes perfect sense to me.

But, apparently, like most of my mistakes, I have made some improvements. Accordingly, you can now subscribe to the Podcast only (by hitting the Podshow icon), or the Podcast plus the text of the essay (by clicking the other reader or rss reader icons). When I post the Podcast portion of the show to my Podshow site, I will be sure to mark it "Podcast Only."

I don't know if this will create more or less confusion, but it does give you more options.

A hyped up show, to say the least. Featuring:

1. Ike Reilly
2. Abra Moore
3. Codaphonic
4. James Power
5. Jon Crocker

Featuring Soul Summitt and the Journey Inside My Mind Podcast

Download and play the show here

 

 

       Whaaat's the deal with Jerry Seinfeld? I know that is perhaps the worst Jerry Seinfeld impersonation possible. But, it had to be done. I mean Jerry Seinfeld is an icon. He's perhaps the most single best paid comedian on network television of all time. But, I must be honest with you - I've never been all that impressed. You must understand, dear listener, I see Seinfeld's act, and the Seinfeld show and say, "yeah, and ?"

     I know that criticizing the comedic value of Jerry Seinfeld is the equivalent of beating up on the Kareem Abdul Jabaar's skyhook - it was indeed a force for a period of time, and now is in the hall of fame. But, as a member of the tribe myself, I look at him, and say, that's really not so hard. I'm sure lots of people visulaize themselves as being a character in a movie or television show. Its hard not to go to a James Bond movie, and not drive like a maniac afterward. Its difficult to go to a Rocky movie, and not want to go to the gym afterward, and its a pretty typical reaction to go to a movie involving Lindsey Lohan and want to puke.

    So that being said, I look at a Seinfeld episode and go - uhm duh....I've already lived that experience. I mean sure, I never dated a girl that was a masseuse - but I did date a girl that I wasn't that into because I liked her apartment in the city, and it was a good place to stay after the bars. The girl - woof...but great location. I never went to the soup nazi, however, there was the time when I was in the mall in Delaware and the deli had a Jewish sandwich, and I asked them whether it was made with real jews. And George, don't get me started about George - before I was the slick podcasting lawyer that you see before you, I had more Costanza episodes than there were episodes with Costanza in them.

    Let me give you my all time greatest Jersey Todd meets George Costanza episode - I was taking this girl out to dinner for weeks, and she was a really tiny girl. Very, very skinny, which is fine. But the weird thing is that she would order a huge meal, that I was paying for, and then eat none of it. I'll admit this concerned me. I mean ok, fine, maybe she was shy, or something, but this girl was ordering things like soup, and then saying - nah, I really aren't that hungry, I'll just take it home. I mean come on, who doggie bags the soup?? So, at one point, and this had to be about the third or fourth date, I'm waiting for her to get ready, and her brother goes to me, "so where are you going out tonight?" and I told him, I thought we were going to "the Outback Steakhouse" and a movie, and the kid goes to me - "Nah - I don't like Fridays." And then I got it. She was giving her brother the left overs!

    Now maybe he was making conversation, maybe he wasn't, maybe he didn't think that a Bloomin' Onion would keep in the car, but my point is - c'mon - how hard is it to write a seinfeld episode? At the end of the day, all it really takes is a couple of neurotic Northeastern jews just being themselves, and you have a recipe for a couple billion dollar enterprise.
To me, Seinfeld the TV show is just a reflection of daily life. Hell, in my screwed up existence - it looks like a reality show. 

    So, that being said - let me reiterate - "Whaaat's the deal with Jerry Seinfeld." This guy has seen the Courtroom more often than half the lawyers that work for an insurance defense firm (note: in 2008, need to beat up on insurance defense firms more). Take for example what went down when he and his wife went to buy their townhouse in 2004.  They used a nice Jewish real estate agent, Tamara Cohen, who they then went on to shtup. 

    In 2004, Cohen began showing aprtments and buildings to one of Seinfeld's managers. Then in 2005, she showed a place to Mrs. Seinfeld. Then, on Saturday Feb. 12 or Sunday Feb. 13, the Seinfelds -- having failed to reach Cohen -- went back to the house on their own. After touring the premises with the owner, they agreed to buy the building for just under $4 million. On Feb. 13, Cohen checked her messages and learned that Galistinos had called her. She then spoke with the listing broker who told her that the Seinfelds and the building's owner had agreed to a sale

       Then it turned out the Seinfelds refused to pay her commission! So Cohen sued Seinfeld, the townhouse's owner, and the listings broker. Seinfeld said he didn't know that she was an observant jew, and that's why she didn't pick up the phone. But c'mon, the guy makes over $100k in interest like per second, and he's acting like he's got to buy a new house before his adjustable rate mortgage kicks in. I mean c'mon Jerry. Well, on January 30, 2007, Supreme Court Justice Rolando T. Acosta sided with Cohen, noting the sales contract, and wacking Seinfeld for a big chunk of change. Hey, Jerry - as we say here in Jersey, nuthing for nuthing, but I'm sure you knew that Justice Acosta, before he got on the bench held various positions with Legal Aid in Harlem. Wonder what his feeling about that whole Puerto Rican day episode where the Puerto Rican flag got burned. I'm not saying anything, but, you know what I'm saying.

    I mean this wasn't a situation where Jackie Chiles could do Jerry any good.

    You would think this guy has had enough with going to Court. But like a bad rerun, he keeps coming back. Take a gander at his latest legal trouble. Missy Chase Lapine sued Jerry and his wife Jessica this week, accusing them of ripping off her cookbook. She's the author of “The Sneaky Chef: Simple Strategies for Hiding Healthy Foods in Kids’ Favorite Meals,â€? claims that Jessica Seinfeld plagiarized her cookbook with Harper Collins’s publication of “Deceptively Delicious: Simple Secrets to Get Your Kids Eating Good Food.â€?  I gotta be honest, they are ridculously similar, but is it plagarism? I don't know. Just in the same way that Journey and Bad English sound really similar, it could just be two ships passing in the night. Of course, exact ships, with the exact same passengers, having the exact same destination, but I certainly could be a good juror on that case.

    But, the complaint also brings a defamation claim against Jerry Seinfeld, who in public has called Lapine a “wacko,â€? a “nut job,â€? and “hysterical.â€? And on Letterman, Seinfeld allegedly said he was concerned that “many of the three-name people do become assassins,â€? citing Mark David Chapman and James Earl Ray. 

    And I gotta admit, that claim seems pretty cut and dry, and well, Jerry, to quote Mr. Ricardo, you certainly have a lot of splainin to do. Now, I know I'm packing a lot of legally goodness into one episode, But defamation is someone uttering a public untruth that lessens someone's standing in the community. Miss Lapine is not a public figure. She has every right to have present evidence to a Court if she was indeed wronged, and shame on you to make a cheap (and frankly) lame joke at this woman's expense. Lawsuits are like burritos at Taco Bell. Everyone's entitled to have one. After two, your stomach starts hurting, and after five or six - people just think your crazy. Yup, there's your first quote of 2008 - Lawsuits are like Burritos. Write that down. But I don't think that calling a litigant a wacko and a nut job and a potential assasin, is fair and frankly, Jerry, I don't think its terribly funny.

    You see, being a comedian is not a defense. Trust me, I know how hard it is to come up with jokes all the time, and I know how hard it is - the pressure of having to feed your family based on nothing more than your mind. And I know, you Jerry Seinfeld, like the listeners of the Jersey Toddshow will use Go Daddy, and use Jersey1 at the time of checkout. But the point is Jerry, its time to start separating fact from fiction. These, in fact, are two different people.  Maybe its because he's confused, I mean there's Jerry, the main charachter in Seinfeld, and then there's Jerry, the main character in the life called Seinfeld. But he'd better start recognizing the distinction, because life is not a comedy, and there's no laugh track, and there's no commercials, and occasionally there's no happy endings. Life, Jerry, is a reality show. Because in real life, you can't short realitors their commission and play dumb and you can't go around making ha-ha at other people's expense and not expect ramifications.

      Oh and the girl that was letting her brother eat the left overs from our dates, I'll let you know what I said to her when I figured it all out - "No soup for you! One year!"

Another show, featuring your favorite ambulance chaser. Featuring:

1. The Black Crowes
2. Mama's Cooking
3. 32Ounce
4. Kristin Kitko
5. Elisa Peimer
6. Rick Barry

Download or listen to the show here

Listen to the Bartycast

Featuring PJ73 (Pedromontera)

        This holiday season, my wife's 87-year old grandfather announced that he is planning on taking the LSAT's. For you civilians out there, the LSATs stand for the Law School Admission Test, and are the test that every law student has to endure as part of the admission process into law school. It is a weird, esoteric, test, that like most things in law school has absolutely nothing to do with the actual practice of law.

     The worst part is, that while everyone is partying during their last year of college, a typical prospective law student is holed up taking more classes, and driving themselves absolutely bonkers. Because they build this test up to be the be-all-end all. Its the difference between a good law school, and having to apply to Cooley Law School in Detroit, which has a rolling admission policy. I think they gave me a start date of 2015, which is nice.  

       Let me give you a sample LSAT question. They give you the most ridiculous fact pattern.

      An amusement park roller coaster includes five cars, numbered 1 through 5 from front to back. Each car accommodates up to two riders, seated side by side. Six people—Tom, Gwen, Laurie, Mark, Paul and Jack—are riding the coaster at the same time. Laurie is sharing a car. Mark is not sharing a car and is seated immediately behind an empty car. Tom is not sharing a car with either Gwen or Paul. Gwen is riding in either the third or fourth car.

        The first question typically involves something to the effect of: Which of the following groups of riders could occupy the second car?
.
(A) Laurie only
(B) Tom and Gwen
(C) Laurie and Mark
(D) Jack and Tom
(E) Jack, Gwen, and Pau

 
     Now frankly, questions like this used to drive me absolutely nuts. I mean I have no idea why this has anything to do with the actual practice of law. All it does is teach you to draw little diagrams, and all it really shows is that you are an absolute wiz-bang test taker. Frankly, when I was applying for law school, I would have been better evaluated by playing beer pong or zonk.

     Lets work through it together: Who could occupy the second car? And this is really how my mind works. They tell us that Laurie is sharing a car, because she's a slut, so that means letter "A" is out. "B" Tom and Gwen - well they tell me that Tom is not sharing a car with either Gwen or Paul. Because well, Tom is a little funny if you know what I mean, and Paul isn't his type. Regardless, it means that Tom and Gwen aren't having a threesome in the third car of a roller coaster, which while this sounds fun, does not meet state and federal safety regulations. "C" Laurie and Mark. Well, they tell me that Mark is not sharing a car, because Mark, well is Mark, and we know what to say about him. But that being said, answer "C" Laurie and Mark is completely out, because well, Mark, doesn't like to share. Don't read too much into that one. Ok, so that leaves us with "D" Jack and Tom. Boy, they sound preppy don't they? Well, they say that Tom is not sharing a car with Gwen or Paul. Ok, unless Jack is a cross dresser, he and Tommy can canoodle their whole way through the loops. So, I'm liking D. And E - well the Answer is never E. Its just a superstition I have. E is always the bullshit one. I've probably been wrong with that - but let me see - E wants me to put Jack, Gwen and Paul in a car, but they already told me that the cars only hold two people, so "E" was trying to "F" with my head again. So, obviously, the Answer has to be "D" - Jack and Tom, the two preppy, closeted guys, holding hands on the roller coaster.

      Ok, so, this is why I did miserable on the LSATs. Not horrible mind you. Let's just say that I didn't get into Hah-vahd with my scores. Lets just say, my law school was on such a low tier that there were actual former inmates in my criminal procedure class going, "Damn! Why didn't my attorney think of that?"  Ah, Jerome, you were such a good guy. I hear that he's doing 7 to 10 in Pennsy., for assault for something that happened after he passed the bar. Guess you shouldn't have taken that day off to watch the Basketball tournament, huh?

     I mean, I'm not going to say that my law school was bad, but, I swear to gd I'm not making this up, but one of my professors used to start every lecture with, "This case comes to us from the Supreme Court, as you know I lost there." or "This case comes to us from the District Court, and as you know, I lost there, too." Seriously, I was waiting for day for him to come in to class and say, "This case comes to us from the Customer Service desk at Home Goods, and as you know I lost there, too."

      You see, the LSAT's are made for people with strategic, logical minds. Because, as we know, all succesful lawyers and law students should have the exact same skills and experiences coming into law school. Yeah, apparently, that's not how my mind works. In fact, a question like the one above should take a normal prospective law student about a minute to figure out. I would sit there for a good ten minutes and wonder why exactly was that bitch Laurie sitting with Jack, and debating why three guys would take two girls to an amusement park, and trying to figure out which guy is the loser. My guess - Tom. But that's just a guess. Tom is such a tool.

      I know, that cost me ten-minutes. But like so much of law school testing, there is no room for creative thought. There is an old story going around about the law student who was asked in a Contracts exam to discuss the legal implications of a ticket to go to a baseball game. Because, as you know, there is a ton of goodness on the back of any ticket for a sporting event - waiving everything from your right to sue them, to your right to buy beer after the seventh inning. Well, the rumor is, that that the genius of a law student just wrote "Game Cancelled Due to Rain" in the essay book and handed it in. Now I don't know what ever happened to that dude, but the rumor is that he is now the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court - or maybe not.

      I fought law school, and man oh man, did the law win. I never really wanted to actually do the course work in the way that they wanted me to. I took those 400 Page law books, and went through them like a copy of the Encyclopedia Britanica. I mean, lets get to the good stuff....why do I have to wait six-weeks to start reading about murder and mayhem. Hell, I'll take Truman Capote over Prosser on Torts any day of the week.

     But, that's not the way the way that the powers that be wanted it, and while a lot of kids ended up on the "Dean's List" I ended up on the "Dean's Other List" - you know the one where they make you take extra classes on Saturdays with some really arrogant 3rd year student. Of course, at my school, there was always talk about these tutors being on something called community service or work release, but I never really understood the whole background of that.

      Ultimately, they broke me. They broke me down. I learned how to play their game. It was somewhere after they cashed my first check of the second semester, and to be really honest, I didn't really realize how to play the spit-it-back-to-them game until it was time for the bar exam, when I sat on my deck all day and had a beard worse than Letterman's new face rug.

      So, to my grandpa-in-law, I have some advice about taking the LSATs. First, stick to the question. While Laurie, Tom, Jack, and Paul certainly appreciate your concern for their day at the amusement park, apparently, and I didn't realize this - they aren't real people. So, you might as well just answer the question and move on to the next wacky question of which type of fish is going on a northbound train, or something like that. Second, the LSAT, like law school, is not an accurate measuring tool to determine succesful lawyers. Its just another endurance test, another pledge event that allows you to get to the big fraternity mixer that is the practice of law, where you someday learn that the beer is always warm, and being a pledge is really the most fun of actually joining the fraternity. Oh, and here's the most important piece of advice:

      The Answer is never (E), and if all fails, there's always Cooley Law School.

       But who wants to live in Detroit?

 

 

Or maybe you want some nice, Podsafe, tunes....

I had to get this guy out first. Jason Moss, from Cali, is only 15-years old, and has some amazing tracks.

Download or play the show here

Today marks the official beginning of the Presidential race. My son, Charlie, insists that Barack Obama is really DJ Lance, the "host" of Yo Gabba Gabba.

Frankly, I see no similarities.

For more insightful updates, like this, check out my friends at the Talk Radio News Service.

Happy New Year Everyone. I am so pleased to see the results of the Jersey Toddshow on Google today (check out the search box). This is very exciting.

Welcome all new listeners that live in New Jersey, are alcoholics, and are affluent. You wanted to come to a nice place, and here you are.

Save me a drink.