Coming off of a cold, its some of the best music that I've played on the show yet. Featuring:

1. Justin Hopkins and the Guilt
2. Ray Tarantino
3. Kongos
4. Glen Philips
5. Jerzy Jung

Featuring Colie Brice

Go over to Accuquote and save on your life insurance.

Listen to the show or download it here

       Back when I was in law school, I played in a Law School Street hockey league. 5 on 5, on a tennis Court, knocking an orange ball around while miserably trying to stay upright on inline skates. I gotta admit, like many of my athletic adventures, I was miserable. Don't get me wrong, I had great eye hand coordination, played great defense, and actually scored a ton of goals. The problem was that I didn't have great eye, hand, feet coordination, and most of my stopping came courtesy of the tennis court fence. But hey, in a league filled with future lawyers, this was a skill level a tad beyond embarassing. By the way, and I know someone is going to ask, yes, having any kind of sports league with future tort lawyers is a pain in the ass. Some hockey leagues hold a draft - we had a three hour conference call going over the rules, and drafting the league's charter. Even geeks have to have their fun.

      I even have a pretty scar over my eye from the time that one of the other players tried to help me stop rolling by treating my face like a shish kabob with his stick. I'm sure he didn't mean to wack me - hell - he was trying to stay on his feet, too. But I ended up with a nice 8-stitch gash over my eye, and I think he's senior counsel at an insurance defense firm now. Funny how things turn out.

      So that being said, I am always fascinated when the law, the internet, and the wide, wide world of sports collide like a cross check from Jeff Beukeboom. This past week, the Rangers, who have one the Stanley Cup only 4 times out of 83 years (which comes out to a success rate of 4.18 for you math geeks out there), once again got the ol' slap shot through the five hole. Uhm I'm sorry, pushed too hard on the hyperbole button.  

     But,  back in the fall, MSG, the company that owns the Rangers filed a lawsuit in Federal Court because the National Hockey League promised to fine it a grand a day if it didn't give the league complete control of its website. Apparently, the league wanted to convert it into one of those cookie cutter websites that makes every team in the league look exactly the same. You've seen it pretty much accross the board from major league baseball to the NBA to the NFL. All of these websites look like they were pooped out by the exact same programmer.

     The Rangers attorneys, wearing their home whites, claim that the NHL was seeking to control the competitive activities of independent businesses in ways that are not necessary to the functioning of that legitimate joint venture. In fact, they claimn that the NHL has become an "illegal cartel,â€? Yeah, comparing your league to Columbian drug lords is probably not going to go over well at the next Christmas party, but considering that the Rangers hired the law firm of Hansen and Hansen, better known as the Hansen brothers, you should expect that their first move would speak of legal goonistry.

     Jeez, I love the image of the Rangers' lawyers. From the University of Saskatoon School of Law, leading the league in depositions, he's your lead counsel, Number 66! Hell, most lawyers track their time in billable hours, the Rangers' lawyers bills say .5 periods for trial preparation. Hell, do you think anybody wants to go to a binding arbitration with a lawyer from the Rangers? You'd end up with your dress shirt pulled up over your head while some dude tries to grab your tie and box your ears in. Geez, I wonder if we can get Tie Domi to take some night classes.

     The lawsuit went onto say, that the poor downtrodden Rangers use the web site for a competitive advantage against other teams to generate and maintain fan interest. However, in November, the District Court ruled against their attempt to get a preliminary injunction, and this week the Second Circuit Court of Appeals again denied their attempt to stop the NHL from taking over their website, or fining them $100,000 a day, which in fact, is the cost of a skybox at Madison Square Garden.

     The Court said that MSG and the Rangers “did not show that the NHL’s website ban has had an actual adverse effect on competition in the relevant market. Nor did MSG demonstrate that the many procompetitive benefits of the NHL’s restrictions could be achieved through an alternative means that is less restrictive of competition.â€?

     Like I do, time and time again, let me turn the circular legalese back into English, however, in this particular case, let me turn what the Court said into language that an average Ranger fan could understand. "Yo, you fn moron, getouttahere with that lame bs. Fuggetaboutit."

     In all seriousness, I see the Rangers point. They are a business, and they are in a competitive market with two other hockey teams, two baseball teams, two football teams, a Basketball team, and a team with about as much talent than your average 8th grade basketball team, the New York Knicks. Actually, I think the way that the Knicks have played this year, an average 8th grade basketball team could possibly beat them if you hyped them up with the promise of pizza and ice cream after the game, but I digress.

     The Rangers have to be concerned that their fans are being pulled in so many directions for their entertainment dollar. But come on, they're being a bunch of silly nillies. I know you don't like when I use that language. But do you think for one second that a fan of the Devils or the Islanders is going to say, hmph, I've been a fan of my team for twenty-years but I'm going to switch allegiences because the Blueshirts have a flash player on their site. Come on. 2-minutes in the penalty box for stupidity.

     The product in this case is the sport of hockey - not the individual team. The NHL has the ability, as an agreed upon joint venture of all the teams, to do things on behalf of the whole league - like negotiate TV deals, or to decide what the uniforms are going to look like. When one individual team argues that they should have the ability to go their own way, then the whole thing might as well go back to a Canadian barnstorming league. The Rangers are acting like spoiled little kids who just want to take their sticks and go home when they don't get what they want, and frankly, what they want isn't going to amount to a hill of beans in the long run.

     Its hockey; which over the course of my lifetime has lost more juice than the Buffalo Bills Hall of Fame. Ok, that was a convuluted sports reference that only about two of you are going to find remotely amusing. Let me clarify. Its hockey; which over the course of my lifetime has pretty much held the same orbit as Michael Jackson's singing career. I'm sorry, when I was a kid, professional hockey held a certain grip over me for the few months inbetween football and baseball season. But now, when an individual ticket costs about as much as a Broadway play, when there are more teams south of the mason-dixon line than there are above the snow line, I'm sorry, the Rangers competition isn't from the Devils or the Yankees or the Knicks, their competition has degraded to UFC, Professional Lacrosse, and Tractor Pulls.

     I don't even like the Rangers. I've always been partial to a certain team from Broad Street in Philadelphia, but over the past two years they've slipped from my consciousness like the name of Appollo Creed's trainer that ended up training Rocky Balboa in Rocky IV. Jeez, what was his name....the bald guy...Duke....played by the great Tony Burton...thought you'd stump me there, didn't ya? The only guy other than Sly and Burt Young to be in all 6 Rocky movies. There's your trivia of the day, no need to thank me.

     Hockey has always been the fourth most watched sport in the US, but standing at that spot has more zombies clawing at hockey's ankles than a George Romero Night of the Living Dead film. And rather than biting the waffle glove that feeds it, the Rangers should be spending more time actually putting a team on the ice that wins games and gets me excited. Here's a quote to anyone trying to get their feet wet in new media, whether you're a podcasting company or a hockey team, "Here we are now, entertain us." Hey that would make a great song lyric. But my point is, I don't care whether your website has more bells and whistles than Dr. Emmett Brown's train in Back to the Future III, if your product sucks, I'm taking my eyeballs and earbuds elsewhere.

    In fact, if I were the Judge in this matter, I would just have reviewed the Rangers' lawyers' filings and told them, to "shut the puck up."     

  ....yup, and with an ending like that, I can only assume that you'll be taking your eyeballs and earbuds elsewhere, too.

Every once in awhile a news item comes along and doesn't have the reach of a proper Jersey Toddshow essay, but nonetheless deserves comment. Check out this story from the wonderful folks at Blue Jersey.

"Dozens of Easter Bunny surrogates were rescued just in time:

Dozens of rabbits were removed from a house in Atlantic County after they were found living in conditions officials called deplorable.

The rabbits were being bred and sold by an elderly Egg Harbor Township man who apparently became overwhelmed with the responsibilities of caring for so many animals, officials said.

The Atlantic County Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals removed 57 rabbits from the home today, but the man did not receive any summonses."

 

What are conditions deplorable to a rabbit? Day-old carrots? Soggy wood chips? Despite their incredible cuddly facade, these are animals that live in dark underground holes filled who-knows-what.  I know Bugs Bunny. Bugs Bunny is a friend of mine. Let me be 100% honest, I've never seen Bugs Bunny with a vaccum cleaner. Frankly, I very rarely see Bugs Bunny wear pants, and that's a different problem altogether.

How did this get reported to officials? Is there a hotline for this kind of thing, or did Thumper just stamp out a message with his big foot? Frankly, I think the rabbits could have just gotten out of there by telling the man that it's not rabbit season, but duck season.

How did this gentleman lose control over his inventory? He bought two rabbits yesterday, and overnight there were fifty-seven. It didn't help that he was accidentally mixing his Viagra into the rabbit food.

Finally, shame on the newspaper for not following up on the story, and not interviewing the poor defenseless rabbits. When reached for comment, Fluffy could only tearfully state, "Hey man, I was just happy to get out of there with my left foot."

I played Yael on the last JTS and I can't get the song out of my head. The video is one of the most creative that I've seen in years, and really adds a new dimension to the song.

Here we go again kiddies. Some old favorites and some new hotness. Featuring:

1. Ike Reilly and the Assassination
2. Jackopierce
3. Guitar Jack
4. Sudden Death
5. Beth Hirsch

Featuring: the Spark Effect and Jack Wakes Up,  and the UC Radio Podshow.

Go to Accuquote.com

Listen to the show, or download it here

       We here at the Jersey Toddshow love to take requests. Today, on Twitter I received the following instant message from the absolutely wonderful Shakespearecast.com. If you haven't checked them out yet, I highly recommend that you do. However, the message shocked, shocked me. 

       I'll read it to you, "If you do a rant for the show on Spitzer and don't include the term "Swallowzer" I'll be very disappointed."

      Far be it for me to disappoint even one of the thousands and thousands of listeners of the JTS. But I am concerned, the saga of former Governor Eliot Spitzer has been picked over more times than the garbage outside of Britney's casa. No, Jay, Conan, and Dave, and whatever his name is on ABC have done a fine job of throwing dirt on America's favorite john. No, I come here tonight not to bury Eliot Spitzer, I come here tonight to take another swing at my favorite lost uncle, Alan Dershowitz.

     Like Eminem in 8-Mile, I will concede that Alan Dershowitz is a far superior lawyer than I am. I will concede that he is far smarter than I am. I will grant that as a Harvard Law Professor, that 99.9% of his students have been more academic than I is, I mean am. I wouldn't even gtaduate from the Harvard Law bus tour. Trust me kids, though I seem pretty bright here, trust me, Alan Dershowitz would treat me like Ali treated that heavy bag in the D-Con Roach Proof, though I doubt that he would say "I don' want you livin' wit' no roaches!"   

     But Professor Dershowitz, I do have one thing that you don't have - its not good looks, nor a keen sense of style, though I certainly have you beat on those accounts, I have a big, hard microphone, and well, for at least the time being I have the attention of one or two people.

     My problem right now is an article that Professor Dershowitz wrote in the Wall Street Journal entitled, the "Entrapment of Elliot". If you didn't know, Elliot Spitzer was a student at Harvard Law and actually worked with Professor Dershowitz and was a student in his class, so I don't doubt his affection for his former student or his motives in trying to defend him. No what I have a problem with is his hypocrisy. In the article, Professor Dershowitz argues that

 â€œThe federal criminal investigation that has led to Eliot Spitzer’s resignation as governor of New York illustrates the great dangers all Americans face from vague and open-ended sex and money-transaction statutes; Congress enacted these laws to give federal prosecutors wide discretion in deciding which ‘bad guys’ to go after.â€?

    Generally, says Dershowitz, “wise and intelligent prosecutorsâ€? use proper discretion in pursuing the real bad guys, such as mobsters, terrorists and exploiters of children. But, he claims, “selectively enforced statutes . . . lie around like loaded guns waiting to be used against the enemies of politically motivated investigators, prosecutors and politicians.â€?

    Dershowitz’s proposal is that over-broad criminal statutes should be narrowed so that they can be used only to prosecute predatory crimes with real victims, not to facilitate politically-motivated prosecutions like Spitzer’s. In Dershowitz’s words: “Money laundering, structuring and related financial crimes are designed to ferret out organized crime, drug dealing, terrorism and large-scale financial manipulation. They were not enacted to give the federal government the power to inquire into the sexual or financial activities of men who move money in order to hide payments to prostitutes.â€?

     Woah, woah, woah, wait a cotton-pickin' second here, Professor. Let's not mince words. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Eliot Spitzer made his career, following your teaching and guidance frankly, by the selective prosecution of criminals, and that prosecution led to a political career. Most prosecutions are political. Most prosecutors are indeed political appointments, and most decisions of who to prosecute and why start off as a political decision.

     At the end of the day, the bad-guys didn't get to yell "no fair" and ask for a do-over. Do you think the Gambino crime family had a problem when, in 1992, Spitzer while working for DA Robert Morgenthau set up his own sweat-shop and hired 30-laborers just so he could plant a bug to get evidence about crimes in the garment industry? Was that not a political prosecution? Do you thing that Dick Grasso, former chairman of the New York Stock Exchange, had a beef when he was prosecuted for the crime of Excessive Compensation as head of a non-profit Board? Did Dick Grasso support Spitzer poltically, no? Did you know that a Newsweek reporter was physically threatened by one of Spitzer's staff when reported on the investigation? Doesn't look good for the guvnor run.  Did you know Spitzer told the State Police to file reports on political rival Joe Bruno's whereabouts in orer to dig something up on him? If that ain't a political use of the law, then I don't know what is.

    Now I will concede to Professor Dershowitz that since the advent of 9/11, Federal criminal statutes have become more and more vague. I don't necessarily think this is a horrible thing if I've done nothing wrong. But here we have an elected official of one of the biggest States in the country conspiring with criminals. Its not about the sex, though that sells papers.

    I mean even here in the great Garden State, our sex crazed wacky Governor - McSteamy, I mean McHottie, I mean, McGreevey. It was never about the sex. It had nothing to do whether he was gay or straight. It had everything to do with appointing people into positions just because they were willing to uhm assume the position, even though they had no qualifications to do so, and that put the health and safety of New Jerseians at risk. The sex....nah, that was just something to sell papers.

    In fact Spitzer and McGreevey are quite the pair. In fact, I think it would make a great tv show.

On November thirteenth Felix McGreevey was asked to remove himself from his place of residence. That request came from his wife. Deep down he knew she was right. But he also knew that someday he would return to her. With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his childhood friend, Oscar Spitzer. Sometime earlier, Spitzer's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he never return. Can two former Governors share an apartment without driving each other crazy? 

    Its about a guy, with an obvious problem either personally or in his marriage, that led him to deal with a major criminal operation. Sure, utilizing the services of a professional sex worker is only a 4th degree offense in the State of New York, and Elliot Spitzer really didn't commit a major crime. Hey, he hasn't even been charged with anything. But lets look at the degree here, this isn't Spitzer buying a dime bag from some dude at the Knickerbocker Arena in Albany - he spent a couple of grand on this. This is like a high-end coke habit. And what would have happened if he refused to pay his bill? You think the pimps at the escort service would have just let him fly because he's got a "I control the jails" so it should be free card? Of course not. More importantly, what would have happened if some of those nefarious elements started acting like the lobbyists, who of course are other forms of whores, and started pushing Spitzer to promote some of their causes or they'd spill his secrets.

     No, Spitzer was compromised, and the Federal prosecutors in this matter did nothing but hasten the inevitable. Did Dershowitz even read the legal documents? I did. Spitzer was only Client-9. For the life of me, I'm dying to know who Client-8 and Client-10 were, or how high up this list goes. Now, I'd love to make the joke the people of the State of New York should at least be proud that Spitzer was in the top ten. I mean I saw that video on the net of Gene Simmons and his prostitute, and I gotta think that Spitzer has to be somewhat more coordinated than that fossil. So Number-9 isn't so bad, right? I mean you're in the top ten. Sure better than the Knicks. As an aside here, between Gene Simmons and Eliot Spitzer, whaaat's the deal with these nearing the end of middle age Jewish guys being complete sex freaks lately. Jesus, is that what I have to look forward to? Just shoot me now.

      In the article, Professor Dershowitz closes with the story of Lavrenti Beria, the head of Joseph Stalin's KGB, who once quipped to his boss, "show me the man and I will find the crime." The Soviet Union was notorious for having accordion-like criminal laws that could be adjusted to fit almost any dissident target. The U.S. is a far cry from the Soviet Union, and claims that our laws are dangerously overbroad.

     Well, we here at the Jersey Toddshow never heard of Beria prior to your article, and will only respond with a quote from another New York City resident, noted goldfish keeper, Mr. Arnold Drummond, and I paraphrase, "Whatchu talking about, Dershowitz?" Spitzer didn't resign because he committed a crime. He resigned because he was a fraud, and even a truckload of Viagra wouldn't have gotten his political schwantz back up, and to compare the incidental discovery of Spitzer to Mother Russia in the good old days is a hasty generalization, and alarmist.

     Ask Joe Bruno, Dick Grasso, and Joe Bruno, or a thousand guys in jail, Professor Dershowitz, but nobody who ever gets caught by the police doing something that they know is not right think the law is fair.

     And to my friends at the Shakespeare cast, I say this:

There once was a Governor of New York/who liked to find hookers to pork.

He thought he'd never get caught/Or have to atone for any of the ahem he uhm bought.

A prosecutor with dubious tactics, hell how many times did he tie the noose? / But Dershowitz screams and says whats good for the gander isn't good for the goose?

Sorry, Professor, but Spitzer's a bad dog, a real Schnauzer / and cheap, he was once overheard saying for five bucks, I don't care if she spits or swallowser

   Wow, Spitzer or Swallows-her. I'm sorry Shakespeare-cast, but that was really, really rough. I haven't been challenged like that since 5th grade when we were making fun of Martha Lipschitz. How did that go again? If her lipschitz, my butt talks....

Yesterday's Daily Source Code spoke a bit about the differences between succesful audio and video podcasting. The Jersey Toddshow has never been about advertisers (though we certainly appreciate them), episodes going viral or amassing numbers for the sake of numbers alone.

This podcast is about the independent artists and their music... and it always will be.

This is embarassing. If I were Hillary, I'd do anything possible to get this video off the 'net.

If you were on the fence at all, this video seals it. Its McCain v. Obama now, because, do you really want to vote the same way as these losers?

Say it ain't so, Taylor Hicks wannabe.

Tonight, we celebrate the brand new release of "Fan the Fury" from one of the greatest Podsafe bands of all time - Aloud.

Their album releases on March 25, 2008, and I strongly encourage you to check them out.

Listen to the show or download it by clicking here

I'm wired tonight. Featuring

1. All Crazy
2. Geoff Smth
3. Temple of Soul
4. Scott Andrew
5. Yael Naim

Featuring DJOC

Go to Accuquote.com to save on life insurance

Play or listen to the show here

      I am a fan of rumors and innuendo, and I heard a big one the other day in Court, that way back on that cold day back in 1993, when William Jefferson Clinton took the oath of office, there was a delay in the start. And sure, there about a million things that have to happen prior to swearing in a President, but the rumor that I heard takes your breath away - that Vice-President Elect Al Gore, Jr., and First Lady Elect Hillary Rodham Clinton were arguing about which office to take, and ultimately it took the pre-blue dress Bill Clinton to negotiate a truce between them. Now, I don't know if this is true, and you certainly shouldn't believe everything that you read or hear on the old internets, but I think there may be an element of truth to this one.

      Lets face it, Al was always the second man in Bill's life. Sure, as a Senator from Tennessee with a great political pedigree, he brought the Southern delegates to the Clinton/Gore ticket, but once that was decided they basically made him disappear like he was Chevy Chase in "Memoirs of an Invisible Man." He was so marginalized as Vice President that he could have been the spokesperson for Parkay. It was pretty obvious that for eight-years, the cooking staff had more decision making ability than he did. I truly believe that Al is a funny, engaging guy - a bit weird and nerdy, but you want to know why he came off so cold and distant when running for President - its because Hilary froze his balls off for 8-years. By the way, what other podcast is going to make a "Memoirs of an Invisible Man" reference? Come on, next you'll be expecting me to refer to "The Man with out a Face" and damn it, I remind you that the Mel Gibson Reference Ban is still in force and effect on this podcast, so you can take your Martin Riggs and shove it.

      But I digress.

      The point I'm making is that I don't believe that the Ice King has any affection for the World's Coldest Female Poltician. Jeez, between the two of them they'd neutalize El Nino, for sure. But that being said, I'd rather park my Honda at the corner of Nerdy Road and Inarticulate Avenue, than at the cross streets of Monster Hwy. and Bitch Street.

     The difference is, I believe Al Gore. I believe that he has a deep seated love for the environment. Frankly, I believe that big business and/or industry is hurting the environment. I respect his opinions, although I'd rather read the highlights, than go through a two hour discussion of a social security "lock box", over and over again. Had he run for office, after winning a Nobel Peace Prize, I believe he would have won, and frankly, I think he would have been the most qualified person for the Oval Office. Hell, he was Aaron Rodgers to Bill Clinton's Brett Farve, and those 8-years of carrying Bill's clipboard would have made him a great President. Its not like he ever lost an election for the Presidency.

      So that being said, its time Al. Its time to unfreeze thy self. You told me that you wanted to lead my party. You told me that you wanted to lead my country. The time, Al. Its time that you stepped into that role of the unbiased dean of the Democratic Party, the once and perhaps future king, the voice of reason in a sea of calamity. Its time Al for you to choose a candidate, and give your blessing.

     I'm not telling you who to endorse, but lets look at the facts. There is now approximately 7-weeks until the next primary. Neither Obama or Hilary have proven to be able to land a knock-out punch. Its funny, I think in a lot of ways, we have a classic Muhammed Ali versus George Foreman. The boxer versus the power puncher. Of course, George Foreman looks a lot prettier in a dress than Hillary, but that's besides the point. Obama is pretty, so pretty, and he's quick - he's so fast that he turns off the light he's in bed before the room goes dark. Float like a butterfly, sting like O-B. Hilary just kind of grunts and throws her arms all over the place, but when she lands her right hook its lethal. I would like to see Hilary shave her head and sell grills in twenty-years, because I'm just wacked like that, but again, I digress.

      Hilary and Barack, lets be real honest, are not entirely too different in political philosophy. This isn't like the Democrats are choosing between two polar opposites, in fact, they really do compliment eachother more times than not.

      But it is seven-weeks until the next primary. John McCain has a time share in Aruba for the next month. John McCain, dare I say it, is going to arrive at the Republican convention, actually looking youthful. John Mcain just has to sit on the sidelines and wait for Obama and Hilary to tire eachother out. Think about it: Isn't this just the political equivalent of the "Rope-a-Dope"? But in this case, McCain is the beneficiary?

     No, Al, its time. You want to do it for selfish reasons, sure. First, you'd be an absolute king or queen maker. Think about it - by endorsing Hilary at this point in the game, you'd be doing something for your former boss' wife, that he himself could not accomplish on his own. You want to talk about debt? You want to talk about gratitude? My lord Al, Bill would set you up with girls until your a zillion years old, and the good ones this time, not like the old days when you had to get Bill's sloppy seconds. Jeez, could you imagine the sloppy second to Monica Lewinsky? Yeesh...

     But somehow Al, I don't think in your heart of hearts, you'd endorse Hillary. Too much water under the bridge, too many stolen spotlights, and hard stares at eachother. Too much clawing away at page space in a shared history. No, if I were a gambling man, which I am, I'd bet a dollar that Gore would support Barack Obama. You both opposed the Iraq war. Barry has been talking about climate change. In fact, Al, between you me and the listeners, I wouldn't be horrified at a Obama Gore ticket - you sure could fill that Leo McGarrity role, and give the ticket some much needed gravitas in a general election. Now I know the chances of you running for president right now are as likely as Britney Spears being asked to take the MENSA test, but we all can dream.

      Oh, and I don't think a Gore endorsement of Obama really hurts him if Hilary pulls off some sort of miracle on ice and somehow wins the nomination, because I want to be very clear, I truly believe that there is no place for Al Gore within Hilary Clinton's administration.

      So, in the end Al, think of the environment - how many trees have to be cut down to make a Obama or Hilary sign? What is the carbon presence of these two campaigns and their staff running around campaigning for no good purpose.   

     Al Gore, its time for you to save the environment, its time for you to save the party, its time for you really to come forward and save the nation.

      ....and do it quick, because I'm terrified that McCain is going to have so much free time over the next couple of months that he's going to show up on Dancing with the Stars.

 

The sad thing about this story is that its just politics as usual. Frankly, I would have preferred President Obama supporting a valued member of his staff, who made an error in judgement and apologized.

The sadder thing is, Hilary is indeed a Monster. Not like there's anything wrong with that.

And Samatha Power is no prize either....

Talking about one of my favorite subjects: Coffee. Featuring the music of:

1. The Teenage Prayers
2. Munk
3. Chris Trapper of the Push Stars
4. Maren Morris Band
5. Ball in the House
6. Justin Marcus

Featuring: Lemon

Sponsored by Accuquote or call - 1-800-410-7215

Listen to the show (or download it) by clicking here

         I like coffee. No let me restate that: I Love Coffee. If I were writing an SAT question, it would be Popeye is to spinach as Jersey Todd is to coffee. I might not know as much about computers or podcasting or other stuff that you're going to hear on other shows, but damn it, I know my coffee. Right now, I'm running a 10-cup Capuano maker with some Trader Joe's Dark Volcano with some soy chocolate and splenda. Yeah baby, take your tricked out PC or Mac and shove it, because at the end of the day, if you want to get my motor running, give me an IV of the the black stuff and let me just main line the beans.

     Sure, I use splenda. Hey, do you know how many lab rats they had to kill to get that stuff right? C'mon, its better living through chemistry, and frankly, I don't exactly clean my coffee mug as well as I should so I need some bleach based artificial sweetener to keep me, and my mug, clean - both inside and out.

     I drink a lot of coffee. The good stuff. Not instant. Not chemical created monstrosities. No, thank you. I want real coffee. Something that takes a couple of minutes to brew; something that tastes like its been scraped off of a log in Guatemala and carried by the ass of donkey up a rainy hill right to a waiting plane to be crushed into a small fine powder and brewed with water straight from a Hobbit Shire. 'Cause damnit, if I gotta change the diapers of my clients, and make sure the babies cases move along - then damn it - I want the high end stuff. I drink enough coffee to make Michael J. Fox on a tilt-a-whirl look stable. I drink coffee like I was one of Andrea Yates' kids in the backseat of that car. 

     But no, I do not like the Senseo. I will not drink it in a hurry, and I will not drink it with a boss named Curry. I do not like Senseo, my man. I will not drink it, Jersey Todd, I am.

     Look. Let's be blunt. Screw all of the awe and wonder about the Senseo machine or whatever pod coffee you're using. Its a tea bag filled with coffee. There's not a ton of ingenuity here, and when push comes to shove, its god awful, stale tasting, low end flavorless coffee strained through the bad end of a female hygene device.

     Oh, and do not, do not get me started on that paint thinner known as coffee mate. You know what coffee mate is? Its crap you pour in to coffee to make your coffee taste....nothing at all like coffee. I'm sorry, coffee should taste like coffee. Its got its own flavor. Go over to the coffee mate.com web site. They've got crap to put in your coffee that makes it taste like blueberry cobbler or vanilla hazelnut. Blueberry cobbler coffee? What the hell is that? So you don't even have to stress out eating something so bad for you as a piece of pie with your coffee. Please. Look, maybe this makes some sort of sense to a suburban soccer mom who's trying to count Weight Watcher's points. But uhm, lady, let me splain somethin to you - if you really give a damn about your health, and not just trying to lose some weight prior to your 40th high school reunion, so Billy Ray Jock-itch can finally pick you, yes you, out of the crowd, then maybe just maybe, you shouldn't be drinking blueberry cobbler coffee mate that has as much chemicals as the Hess Oil plant in Woodbridge, New Jersey. Have you seen the side of a coffee mate bottle? My gd, the date of expiration on these things is Armageddon. They've got words in the ingredients that have more x's and q's than a Scrabble game sold at a Punjabi dollar store on sale. Jeez, coffee mate. Jeez, mate with my coffee? That's like having a dirty, rotten, skank with cheap perfume mate with my beautiful brew. Thanks, but no thanks.

     I mean who really needs the noise of coffee mate in their coffee distracting you from the goodness of the bean.  I mean its noise. Hazelnut. French Vanilla. Irish Coffee. I like my coffee like I like my women, hot, sweet, creamy, and quiet. Wow. That's gonna get me in trouble. Sorry, honey - too much coffee.

     So all this being said. Starbucks was in the paper this week. You do know that their stock is down over 50%, which I guess means that Merrill Lynch and those kind of folks now rate it as a Venti, at best. I have mixed feelings about Starbucks. I think they're a good place to sit down in the mall and watch the eighth grader with their wheelie sneakers take a full on header into the Sunglass Hut. I think that their coffee is adequate at best. Frankly, most of their beans taste like Juan Valdez was taking a siesta through the roasting process. My lord, those beans are so burnt they look like Robert Uhrlich in Turk-182. But don't get me wrong, because you can't go three blocks in Jersey without being hit over the head with that green logo, I've learned to accept Starbucks for what it is - overpriced and adequate, and I completely understand that some of their double frosted machiato's have more calories than a calzone, but it is what it is.

     That's why I was completely interested that they closed almost all of the stores for a three-hour coffee clutch this week to rally the troops in the face of a decaffeinated corporate books. Hell, their books and ledgers are starting to look like Heath Ledger. Too soon? Really? You think so?

    Anyway, these Starbucks guys ain't exactly the Masons, because according to the 'net, during this super-secret corporate-wide pow wow, they did the following: they watched videos, they role played customer service issues, they learned how to make coffee, and made all of the little pledges drink 10 shots of espresso while singing the fight song. Oh, sure I make light, but did you hear what I said - they actually pressed the ctrl-alt-delete button for their entire corporation to learn how to make coffee. What, next you're going to tell me that the kids working the fry-o-lator over at my local McD's thought that they were at working a radiology machine? Oh come on. I'm sorry, learning how to make a cup of joe should have been on day one of barista school, and if you can't hack that then its off to the rice krispy treat making class for you.

    Let me tell you something Starbucks. Let me give you some suggestions on how to get the stock price back up. First off, you've got way too many stores. You're thinning out the qualified barrista talent pool. Not everyone out there has got the gd given talent to press a button to make espresso. No, its something that uou just know. Let me compare Starbucks to another chain that ballooned too quickly - Hooters. Sure. Great concept. Unique. Marketable. Special when you went there. And then I went to a bachelor party at a Hooters in Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania. You know what the, uhm, talent looks like in Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania? They look like girls that aren't able to get the frak out of Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania. That's where you are Starbucks. Spread too thin. When you allow a Starbucks to be built inside a rest stop on the New Jersey Turnpike, you're going to end up with coffee that tastes like Turnpike coffee.

     The new ads for Starbucks now say that I can have my cup of coffee, "perfect every time." The scary thing about that is, that what this says to me is that last week, I couldn't. I mean for $4.00, my mocha-java with goats milk better be grade A, or else I'm sending it back.

     And finally, Starbucks, lets be honest. You're not a music store. You're not a movie store. Its great that your trying to pull another buck out of my pocket, but when that CD or DVD takes focus away from the actual product that you are in business to provide, coffee, then I have absolutely no use for you.

      So, in the end, close some stores, get rid of the hicks and sticks and baristas, and stop selling the tchokes. Oh, get a new logo, because for the life of me I have no idea what the deal is with that mermaid with a crown on.

      It makes me think that your coffee tastes like fish.